Pages

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mummy tummy

I hate celebrity mothers - They "sneeze" and give birth mess-free, stress-free, and without breaking a sweat on their nipped, tucked, botox-frozen faces.


6 hours after their "sneeze/birth" they are inevitably photographed out and about in their pre-baby skin tight clothes, sporting flawless hair and make up, a shiny new manicure and massive Starbucks coffee.  You'd be forgiven for doubting they'd ever really been pregnant, and would probably lose them if they turned sideways...BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MUMMY TUMMY.


I'm not a supermodel or a celebrity of any sort - I'll give you a moment to reel in shock at this revelation.  Such a fine example of womanhood as myself, not a supermodel?  Outrageous, isn't it?  Since I'm not super rich and famous, I don't have a full time nanny, cleaner, housekeeper, calorie counting chef, personal trainer, fully equipped home gym blah blah blah.  I also don't have the will power to refuse everything above 2 kilojoules and survive on free-range organic lettuce leaves.  So it's probably for the best that I haven't been "noticed" yet.


There are solutions for those of us not genetically blessed or financially prosperous enough to pay for the required personnel and equipment to get rid of our Mummy Tummy.  I totally appreciate the range of super-sucker knickers on the market these days, I truly do.  I am more than happy to forego taking in oxygen and walk like a rusty robot having forfeited the ability to bend and turn, if it means my stomach can be shrunk a size or two.  But not all the time.  I'd probably need to have a few ribs and non-essential organs removed to even attempt making that sort of underwear a regular thing.  Plus nothing quite says sexy hot mumma when you're all dressed up and out to impress...as having a wedgie of epic proportions from some seriously taut lycra, thanks to the industrial strength knickers that are covering your posterior and half your torso.



So back to my Mummy Tummy.  I look like I am still 6 months pregnant with the twins.  This is only getting worse as I lose weight.  The rest of my body has got with the program, and is returning to normal, but my tummy has basically resigned and said "forget it ..you made me carry two babies at once...that was the point of no return for me....things will NEVER be as they once were".


I know people say these things, but it's never that bad and they are often hoping for reassurance.  Not fishing for a compliment, just hoping that their Mummy Tummy is not as bad as they perceive it to be.


Mine is real.  I'm thinking of applying for the Baby Bonus again.  My Mummy Tummy can just about get down and dirty with my knee caps.


To prove my point - here's what happened to me last week...


I am in a shopping centre, pushing the twins in their pram.  I run into a nice girl I worked with approximately 5 years ago.  We chat briefly, and she says how fantastic I'm looking.  Ego-boosting compliment, yay!  And without missing a beat, she then asks when I'm due.  Ego-crushing blow.  I considered lying and saying "oh you know, in about 3 weeks".


So, in conclusion - a "Public Service Request" of sorts:


Any sympathetic plastic surgeons out there who need to get some operating hours up - I am totally willing to be your next pro-bono tummy tuck patient!  Because it really would be for the greater good of the community.  The general public would no longer have to question my chastity and why in hell I would be pushing a pram with 2 babies, dragging a whiney toddler behind me...and appear to be pregnant yet again.  It would also make it MUCH nicer when I am out and partake in an alcoholic beverage and people look at my Mummy Tummy, then at my wine glass in a mix of horror and disgust.  The unfair scrutiny almost puts me off my wine...almost.

4 comments:

  1. Hilarious reading ! I am a Mum of twins too (3 year olds), and have just found your site (thanks to the Sunday Times STM), and I am hooked as I can totally relate to your stories. My kids actually keep coming in asking me what I'm laughing at :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated! My kids are just "unique" in that they give me a lot of material to work with - hope you enjoy the future posts too, and have a great kiddy-quiet day!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey, you wrote a story about the dreaded mummy tummy on the day Wombat was born! :) I still have about 10kg to go to get to my ideal weight, but that tummy is looking pretty ominous. I haven't had twins, but I was big enough during both of my pregnancies for people to think I was. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hilarious reading ! I am a Mum of twins too (3 year olds), and have just found your site (thanks to the Sunday Times STM), and I am hooked as I can totally relate to your stories. My kids actually keep coming in asking me what I'm laughing at :)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...