I've come across a new beauty regime that I've been unwittingly partaking in the "clinical trial" of.
Unwittingly as in I had no idea. Clinical trial as in it's just never been done before as far as I'm aware.
Before you get all excited, can I just say that the following would be pushed to receive any official medical type endorsement beyond...say....Dr Seuss.
So now that I'm getting older (you know, over 24....ahem...) I've finally started my own little wrinkle fighting routine. A few months ago I went through the bathroom cupboard - ignoring the enormous mess (and layer of something that may or may not have been shampoo due to the foaming and the lavender and coconut aroma), and pulled out everything skin-related.
I'd been watching late night TV, and those bloody "Proactiv" ads that never end had scared me into action...with their perky 20-something movie stars, female surfers, token credibility-earning Aussie actresses etc etc - all with perfect skin and no children to keep them awake and give them dark circles under their eyes and wrinkles and frown lines and...getting off track.
- 5yr old Oil of Ulan (at least 5yrs old...didn't they change the name to "Oil of Olay" at some point?)
- Nivea Summer Glow (like one bottle would even make a dent)
- Something from Thailand that probably once looked good, but I can't read the label either way
- Avon's "Little Blossom" range (probably Miss5's...but my supply is meagre, so I'm claiming it)
- Nutrimetics half empty Day and Night UV filtering (at night?) daily moisturiser. No idea when I got this, and honestly surprised it's even in there, daring to be seen with the lower socio-economic Nivea and Ulan/Olay.
So I go for the Nutrimetics. Put it on, leave it in the bathroom. IN CLEAR VIEW AND AT ARM'S LENGTH. Go back at night, put some more on.
This "beauty routine" - mind bogglingly technical and hard core as it is - continues for 4 days. I'm quietly impressed that I've managed to remember to do it for 4 consecutive days.
At this time I have started getting up close and personal with the mirror, and analysing my complexion. I swear I can see the same results after those 4 short days, that Proactiv says to expect after a month (you know...when your supply has run out and they can automatically bill your credit card and replenish you for the next month...).
It's also at this time that I start to notice my face is smelling quite minty. I ignore it, since my skin actually feels tight. I mean really tight. Almost hot too, if I was to really think about it.
A couple of days later I catch Miss5 and Miss2 bonding together in the bathroom. Thankful that Miss5 was not holding Miss2 under the water in the bath, I watch on from the doorway. Here's what I saw....
Miss5 opens my Nutrimetics half-empty tub of moisturiser.
Miss2 gets the toothpaste.
Miss5 squeezes some in
Miss2 pulls her finger out of her nose and uses it to swirl the mixture together
Miss5 tells her off...and goes to the bin, takes the lid off, pulls out a used cotton bud and stirs the mix with that (sooo much more hygienic than a snotty finger)
Miss5 opens the cupboard
Miss2 rubs her hands in the foaming but pleasant smelling mess I mentioned earlier
Miss2 puts that in the Nutrimetics tub (explains why the toothpaste smell only slightly came through)
Miss5 finds the Avon "Little Blossom" collection and pours in some "Nail Tint" with the care of an expert measuring out toxic chemicals
Miss2 opens and eats the "Little Blossom" chap stick
At this point I intervene, so I can't tell you for sure exactly what else I have been putting on my face.
The absolute plus of this experience is that....bugger me, Miss5 wants to be a Chemist! No more clothes-free Supermodel-come-pole dancer. I am deliriously happy, and yes I know it is a total stretch to leap to this conclusion...but I blame the toxic concoction that has been seeping through my pores for a week.