I have a pram...and I'm not afraid to use it

I love my pram almost as much as my coffee machine and my children.  When Miss5 was a Miss  -0.3 I bought my first pram.  Nothing flash, just a sensible, run of the mill pram.

I didn't get a pram that screamed "I can kick your ass with my enormous infant carrying version of a tanker"

Or

"My off-spring are already booked into the poshest, most outrageously expensive private school's 1yr old pre-pre-pre-kindy because this pretentious minimalist pram-come-spaceship is an example of my enormous wealth".

I was not one of those mothers under the misconception that their pram is going to be doing a lot of off-roading and 4 wheel driving.  Apparently.  Because they need the most enormous wheels on earth, spaced so far apart they operate almost independently of the pram - the body of which is so large it dwarf's the adult pushing it - who is almost always clad in camouflage pants (one of THOSE mothers...refer to the Alpha Mothers post from 2 weeks ago and you'll know which type of Alpha Mum I'm referring to).

Okay, so perhaps a little teeny-tiny bit of pram envy towards those who could afford the posh and large sporty models.

Flash forward a few years, and by the time I got over the initial shock and dread of expecting twins (for the purpose of my little darlings reading this in future...what I mean to say is, my sheer joy and elation) - I was most excited to realise it meant it was time to go pram shopping again!

I went for a 3 wheel, side-by-side, twin pram.  What made me go for this particular pram?  Well a huge selling point was the fact that I could go jogging with this pram.  Because I'm prone to jogging...especially after giving birth...to twins - Mummy Tummy flapping in the breeze and post-baby-bladder leaving a trail for me to follow home.  I don't think so.

I actually chose my pram because it’s one of the narrowest options for a twin pram - which is important when it's hard enough to squeeze a single pram through doorways and shopping centre aisles.  My twin pram is roughly the same width as a wheelchair.  So, in theory, it should be able to get through just about any doorway and down any aisle or walkway.  IN THEORY.  Remember this for later when I'm whining about accessibility - I do not have a wide load SUV style pram.

So while all the brochures and advertising and helpful sales people tell you everything there is to know about the features, colour schemes, and safety rating of your pram, what they don't prepare you for is people.

When it was just me and my first Miss in her single pram, I got around fairly easily.  The odd pram rage incident...but never(ish) my fault.  As soon as you add an extra 30-odd centimetres to the width of the pram, suddenly you become invisible, and your pram is treated as a target.  I walk down clear, wide, mostly vacant shopping centre aisles...only to have whichever idiot is coming the other way, walk directly into me.  This is after I have veered to the side because I'm expecting it.

This happens all the time.  I, stupidly, smile and apologise - how dare I see them coming and make a concerted effort to move to the side - and they grunt, frown, or just ignore me and keep walking.

No more - I'm preparing to don my camouflage gear and go all Alpha Mother in future, so....A warning to you morons who can't see me and my pram coming at you :

I will, as always, move to the side - but if you continue to head straight towards me, I am going to install something sharp and pointy on the front of my pram.  Good luck with that.

When I have a twin pram pushing two "well-fed" kids, the pram itself, and whatever shopping is shoved in it / hanging off it / balanced precariously on top of it - then it is up to you to move your slight self that one step to the side as you walk towards me.  I've done my bit by steering my mammoth weight bearing load (and the pram...ho ho) towards the other side.

Move or be rammed and possibly punctured.  I will consider souping up my pram and getting big mag wheels so my pointy prong on the front is elevated to just the right height to get you where it hurts.

And a final request for the shopping centre bosses (while I'm on a roll with the impassioned pleas) :

I know you like to have cattle-herding style check outs where we all line up nicely and shuffle forward between the metal rails, while your teenage checkout chick, who has to price-check every 3rd item, looks down on us with her withering expression of superiority and contempt...but could you possibly ensure you have more than one cattle-herding lane that is wide enough for me?

I know it may be asking a lot, but it seems that everyone likes to use the wider disabled-access aisle, and I don't fit through your normal ones - the empty ones where the checkout operator is glaring at me like I'm an idiot because they're free and I've chosen to join the queue that's backed up, because I'm stupid.

And while I'm in the middle of my personal pity-party, I'm also sick of everyone - customers and staff - looking at me with filthy contempt because I'm in the "10 items or less" lane at the supermarket with my 12 items.  I can read, I know what it says - but that is the only lane wide enough for my pram, so please forgive my extra 2 items.  Just for the attitude and the looks, I'm going to pay by credit card to take that little bit longer, and deliberately stuff my PIN number up so my teenage checkout chick can "tsk tsk" me and start the transaction all over again.