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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Retail therapy and liberation

I love shopping, of any sort.  Window shopping, online shopping, actual shopping, even grocery shopping.  It's the highlight of my week to go through every aisle of the supermarket and try not to knock over the displays they stupidly stack at the end of each aisle...because it's sooo easy to steer a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel that weighs a ton and ALWAYS leans to the left AFTER you've selected it and started filling it with food - why not add obstacles to hamper your massive U-turn into the next aisle?

While my budget is much tighter thanks to the finance-sapping offspring, they have opened up a whole new world of shopping - children's wear / toys / consumables.  I'm in heaven - instead of trying to justify my self-indulgent purchases to my conscience (AKA the Hubby), I don't need to because it's for my beloved children.

Miss5 is her Mother's daughter, and has been an avid shopper since she was a Miss3 - when she would rush between rows of clothes at Target, pulling random items off the racks to hold up in front of the mirror, before nodding at herself and saying to me "very nice, George" and throwing them in the trolley.  Items such as men's "budgie-smuggler" swimmers, old woman granny knickers and bra's, and every other item of clothing not appropriate to her age.  I spent a LOT of time putting things back (that's a slight lie...I spent a little time dumping stuff on random shelves when nobody was looking).


Miss2 is not a shopper.  She should be in retail-training by now, just like her sister before her.  Sadly, she is a giant disappointment on the retail front.  She is full of life when we get out of the car, but by the time we enter the shops she is asleep.  Zero interest.  While this is a huge relief for Hubby and his wallet, I am somewhat disappointed that I'll have to find some other maternal bonding activity to share with Miss2 (hair salon? casino?).

What I don't love about shopping (apart from the stupid human-hating trolleys) is my pram - as mentioned in my last post dedicated entirely to the pram.  This current rant and rave is about my pram being used for illegal purposes.  And not by me - by Mstr2.

Mstr2 is in his element at the shops.  He chats away (more of a high-pitched and never ending "whoa whoa whoa" than a chat), and his arms are all over the place like an octopus - shoplifting style.

He has liberated everything from the service bell at a fast food outlet, to single shoes on display in shoe shops, to the bells made from bird seed at the pet shop.  Now, my pram is not that big - and I do give him a gentle frisking before leaving a shop - so where is he putting this stuff?  And more importantly, why is he liberating such useless stuff?  At least make it something decent (or a matching pair of shoes instead of just one).

I have had to apologetically return to the scene of the crime to return Mstr2's loot more times than I care to remember.  Every time, I see the smug disbelief on the shop assistant as I explain that it wasn't me, it was Mstr2.

I can't tell you how many times I've left a store only to set off the alarm as I walk out.  Judgemental stares from all around.  Shock and horror when I try and pin it on my sweet, smiling, "whoa whoa whoa"-ing Mstr2.  I'm now developing a phobia of the security gates when exiting a shop.  I brace myself, then rush out holding my breath.  Total adrenalin rush when nothing happens.

In considering my Christmas shopping for the kids, I'm thinking - apart from the hospital grade hand sanitiser Miss5 has requested, and the top of the range cat biscuits for Miss2 to snack on - I should get a mini duffel jacker for Mstr2 - so he can stash his loot on his person, and not in the pram.  It would give me much more credibility when explaining that he's the shoplifter in the family.

So in conclusion - a Public Service Announcement / Request  :  Next time you hear the alarm go off as someone with a pram exits a store, try a sympathetic smile instead of a shocked and accusatory eyebrow-raise.  And a brief reminder that I'm still awaiting a response from my previous Public Service Request regarding the free tummy tuck.  Thank you  :-)

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