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Monday, March 14, 2011

Maternity Wear = Ready To Wear Fashion

They are intended for use over the 6 odd months that you don’t fit into your normal clothes, thanks to the bun in the oven.  Say you have 3 kids, then it’s fair to say you’ll probably end up wearing your maternity clothes for a total of 18 months.  Plus perhaps a couple of months after each pregnancy, while your body shrinks back to its pre-child glory (enormous snort here on behalf of my own body).
So Ive got 3 kids, from 2 pregnancies, therefore you would estimate I’ve worn my maternity clothes for around 12-18 months in total, including post babies shrinkage time (choking snort this time).
I added it up, and I reckon I've been wearing my maternity clothes for approximately 71 months.  That is, from the time I convinced myself I was “showing” with my first pregnancy (around 2 ½ months...what can I say, I was desperate to look pregnant, so started wearing maternity clothes as soon as I started telling people I was up the duff).
And I continued wearing them....until now.  That's not to say I've stopped wearing them recently, more that I am currently still wearing them - even as I type this post.
The twins are 2 and 3 months.
And no I’m not pregnant again (I've learnt my lesson on that front).


I went out on my first date the other week, which I prepared for by throwing my wardrobe around the room, hoping a colour co-ordinated and chic outfit that made me look slim would materialize on the bed while the rest fell to the floor.
It didn't.  Instead, I found that my entire wardrobe consists of elasticized waistbands.  And what’s more, I was relieved.  I am addicted to the elastic waistband, the ability to simply pull on any item of clothing.  I may actually require retraining, should I purchase anything with a button and/or zipper in the future.
The comfort factor of an elasticized, adjustable, flexible waistband far outweighs my desire to look trendy, cool, young….dare I say….sexy (choking and snorting so huge I may require the Heimlich manoeuvre at this point).
This refusal to leave my maternity-self behind has extended to other areas of my wardrobe too.
My shoe collection, once my most prized possession, filled with high heels, wedge heels, the odd stiletto – no longer.  The only survivors of the pre-baby era are those that I think I can still get away with wearing, without anyone calling the Fashion Police on me.  But I shouldn't worry about that too much, as I literally had to wipe the DUST off those bad boys when I was assessing my collection for this very post.  That’s how often I wear them these days.
Every single item of footwear I've purchased since Miss5 started growing in my belly, is like an item of Resort Wear appropriate to Gilligan's Island or Bali – flat soles, very much thong-like, some sandals to ‘class it up’ with a few extra straps (but still with the elasticized back so I can simply PULL THEM ON like the rest of my wardrobe).
I went swimming with Miss5 the other week.  When pulling out my bathers (with total and utter fear and dread), I noticed the label.  I WAS happy to have found these bathers (pre Xmas in Bali), and I DID like the way they looked.  I WAS especially happy with the way the top part didn't stop short around the bottom of my rib cage.  It didn't even drop so low at the cleavage that bystanders would be able to determine if my belly button was an ‘inny’ or an ‘outy’.  It actually had brilliant support and coverage in the boob region.
This was all great and of huge comfort to me in Bali, as I dropped my towel as close to the edge of the water as possible, and dove in before anyone could see my lycra clad self.
But when I pulled the exact same bathers out the other week, I actually read the label for the first time.
MATERNITY WEAR
Son of a…..
I didn't even realise I’d been in the maternity wear section, let alone tried on, liked, and found the perfect pair of bathers that FITTED LIKE A GLOVE.


Maternity bathers are made with a certain amount of extra material in certain places, and I've made no secret of my ever present (and no doubt, bloody ETERNAL) Mummy Tummy.  So naturally, my next thought is “oh dear God, did everyone think I was pregnant and negligently drinking my way through the cocktail list at the swim up bar over Christmas?” ( It's not like dumping my kids on a Nanny every day would've had them viewing my parental skills in a less-than-perfect light in the first place or anything).

So, in conclusion, here's how I see it.


I’m no fashion guru – as you've probably gleaned from this post.  But can I just say, I am happy in my Mummy clothes, worn proudly like a sign that says “I carried a watermelon on the inside and then birthed the thing, therefore I don’t need to wear low rise, low waisted, sprayed on anything anymore thank you very much."
Better that, than sporting a killer muffin top in tight jeans / pants / skirt / shorts that most likely fit pre-baby - but now the muffin top dam is about to break at any moment.  And it can’t be held back because it is joined only by an inappropriately short and/or tight top.  *cough* teenage Mums, I’m talking to you.

So next time I see a poor woman wobbling on impossibly high heels, her feet all gnarly and bent out of shape from years of heel-abuse, her skin tight hipsters so far up her arse she could cough to undress - I will smile, snap the elastic on my Maternity Jeans, and clip-clop off in my comfortable flat sandals.

9 comments:

  1. Love it! I am a big lover of the maternity top more so than maternity pants. You are probably going to hate me for saying this, but I couldn't wear any of my maternity pants after about a week of having both of mine because they slipped right off. In saying that, I then had to go out and buy size 14 pants because all of the stuff I wore immediately prior to conceiving Seagull was a size 12. And I still looked like I had a muffin top thanks to my mummy tummy. I've just gotten back into size 12 pants in the last week or so. The annoying thing about that is I went and bought a much needed new pair of pants a few weeks ago and bought the 14 because it fitted really well and didn't even bother to try on the 12. A week later, the 14 started dropping off me.

    Tops are a whole different matter. I started off as a 10DD prior to having Seagull and am now a 10G after having Wombat, so I either wear size 16 tops or my old maternity tops. I figure that they are comfy, roomy and don't scream "Check out my mummy tummy!" Oh, and I'm still wearing a maternity tankini when I take Seagull to swimming lessons. It is really getting too big on me now, but I'm just not ready to go shopping for new swimmers yet. I've put it in the too hard basket for now.

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  2. Where'd you find that photo of me in my pink belt? Funny, I thought I deleted that one...

    With kid 1 I didn't wear anything Maternity, kid 2 I was ALL maternity and then sold it all not expecting kid #3 so soon, and then had to buy MORE maternity stuff, but even Maternity stuff wasn't fitting me at that stage..

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  3. I tell everyone that I like muffins therefore I should like my muffin top. I get some strange looks.

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  4. I loved my maternity jeans and thought they were the most comfortable item of clothing I had ever worn. Kid 1 is now nine months old and I am still wearing my maternity tops, but I tell myself that it is because they are so convenient to breastfeed in!

    Tiff

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  5. Mumstrosity, my most humble apologies for no photo credit. I will do better next time ;-)

    Glowless, I too love a good muffin top, but only of the sweet and white choc button filled variety.

    Sidetracked, hating you just a little bit for that. And for buying pants that fit one week, and fall off the next week. You can redeem yourself by sharing your secret?

    Tiff, never thought of the breast feeding as a credible reason/excuse for wearing my floaty flowing maternity tops - genius! Not sure anyone would believe me now though...

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  6. You are hilarious. Reading your posts makes my day! So glad I'm not the only one still wearing my maternity jeans. Love them, don't think I could go back to button fly hipsters.

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  7. I think that having an over active thyroid is my secret. I most certainly did not drop weight as quickly after having Seagull as I have after having Wombat.

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  8. I think that having an over active thyroid is my secret. I most certainly did not drop weight as quickly after having Seagull as I have after having Wombat.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Where'd you find that photo of me in my pink belt? Funny, I thought I deleted that one...

    With kid 1 I didn't wear anything Maternity, kid 2 I was ALL maternity and then sold it all not expecting kid #3 so soon, and then had to buy MORE maternity stuff, but even Maternity stuff wasn't fitting me at that stage..

    ReplyDelete

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