A day in the life of Me

Last week, I was guilty of distracted parenting.  To the utmost extreme.  I say 'last week' in the sense of 'every day'.

Here's what happened one day last week while I was blindly, deftly, and deafly typing away :

0830 : Realise Miss5 is due at school...erm....NOW...so rush to slap together a polony and sauce sandwich and chop up some healthy fruit and veg.

0840 : Pull together knotted mass of ponytail that has Miss5 looking like a recent Botox recipient.

0845 : Arrive at school as final siren rings.  YES!  Feel like I won a race.  I'm going to say a Marathon - even though it's been only 15 minutes since I glanced at the clock on my laptop and flew into a mad panic.

0850 : Arrive home.  Stand in doorway a bit puffed from the previous 20 minutes of effort.  Enjoy serenity and silence.

0900 : Twin tornado rise.  End of serenity and silence.

0915 : Twins eating breakfast of Miss5's leftover Vegemite toast crusts (she is deathly allergic to crusts...maybe she is channelling her Miss25 future self, knowing full well that her straight-haired self will covet curly hair when she gets older so she is paying attention to that old chestnut if you don't eat your crusts your hair will go curly).

0940 : While increasing my mental capacity (learning how to do buttons on my blog), I hear the familiar sound of the cat biscuits box being rattled.

0941  : Followed by the sound of the entire box being dumped on the kitchen floor.

0942  : Followed by evil and joyous cackles of delight from the twin tornado.  It's lovely when they play together...

1030 : Summons up the courage to go in and investigate.  But mostly because I just heard the same sounds again, and I thought we only had 1 box of cat biscuits left?

1031 : Find twins repeatedly pouring cat biscuits over the kitchen floor, then using plastic teaspoons to put them all back.  INDIVIDUALLY.  ONE. BISCUIT. AT. A. TIME.  I'm thinking...myeh...it's keeping them busy, and Miss2's mouth is only bulging slightly, therefore she can't have consumed too many as yet.

1215 : Time flies when you're having fun.  God bless the cat biscuit.  Except, now I can smell nail polish.  Strange.  Immediate investigation.  Find twins outside sitting on table covered in full bodypaint of nail polish.  Speaks volumes about them that Miss2 went for Army Brown, and Mstr2 went for Lolly Pink.

1240 : TWO BOTTLES of nail polish remover later, and all evidence of distracted parenting fail on the nail polish front has been dissolved, literally.  Mental note to self that it's time I painted my toenails again, in lieu of the time and $$ for a self-indulgent pedicure (fake it if you can't make it).

1305 : Find twins in closed pantry, bottle of kiddy vitamins each in hand, munching away.  They have hidden in there because they believe they are eating lollies.  Half tempted to shut the door and leave them there for the next 55 minutes until bath time.  At least they're getting a whole YEAR'S WORTH of multivitamin goodness in that time.

1340 : Twins run in with multivitamins again.  Clearly, my discipline style leaves a lot to be desired (or feared, or noticed).  On returning multivitamins to higher ground in the kitchen, I find the cheese out.  An entire 1Kg block, minus around 150 grams that had been neatly sliced off earlier in the day - only now it's no longer neat and symmetrical, now it has rat-like toddler teeth marks in one corner.  I NEED SYMMETRY.  Not to mention the fact that it is sitting on the filthy kitchen floor.  Or the fact that it is a 33 degree day, and as a result it's starting to shine on the outside.  Cheese in the bin.  Beady eyes of twins watching my every move.  Bin bag put outside in large twin-proof wheely bin, just to be safe.

1400 : Last nerve causing nervous twitch to left eye.  Spent last 5 minutes heavy breathing and watching oven clock for bath time, which precedes mammoth nap time.  Which is followed by the return from work of #1 Hubby - and therefore - signifies the end of my solo parenting for yet another day (scoff, scoff - end of solo parenting...I still optimistically think that, even though I know I am competing with the television and cable and multiple sports channels).

1430 : Slip on tidal wave outside bath.  Twins crack up at my slapstick routine.  I mutter evil things about them.

1440 : Quick shoving of stuff everywhere stuff can go.

1450 : Waiting outside school for Miss5 (pat on back for remembering today).  Time to think while waiting in the car.  Cursing cost of daycare x 2 toddlers + before and after school care x Miss5.  Otherwise I'd be at work, sipping a flat white, typing away on a keyboard blissfully - while a well paid Cleaning Fairy slips into my house / bomb site and makes it pretty and shiny and sparkly.  At least twice a week.

1500 : Miss5 comes home, sporting some fetching stainage on her school uniform. Again.  Expect it to be resistant to all forms of stain removal.  Again.

1530 : Praising self for Miss5's television prowess.  As she deftly flicks between Foxtel cable,  ABC,  DVD player and VCR - I sit here typing this.  Counting down until wine o'clock.  Or, perhaps, Mojito o'clock today.

I know, you are all feeling my exhaustion and frustration (and not at all judging my poor parenting skills and distracted parenting method).  This is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of my life.  Except the days I go hang out at the MacDonald's playground, toting my own healthy food to torture the twins  with while they watch other luckier kids enjoy nuggets and chips.