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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Tears of frustration!

I've developed a post-pregnancy hormonal type affliction.  Before you gasp in shock, it is not cleaning.  It is not nesting.  It is nothing useful or responsible or remotely related to parenting.

It is to do with water works.  And not of the fluid retention variety - although I also have that in spades.

It's not you, it's me.
And it's also your baby.

I've been to weddings and cried my eyes out, giving the mother of the bride a run for her money on the emotional outpouring front.  Only, I don't know the bride.  Or the groom.  In fact, I've never even met them, all I know about them is that Hubby went to grade school with one or both of them.

At my own wedding, I recall saying something along the lines of "Do we really have to do a service? Can't we just sign the certificate and go straight to the party?".  Just so you understand how totally removed I am from the whole emotional blah blah of weddings.  I go for the free booze.

I've seen people win a car on TV and sobbed my little sleep deprived, dark-circle rimmed eyes out.  For no reason other than how lovely it is that someone won a shiny new car.  Even though it's never bloody me.

Alloy wheels?! Bonus seat covers?! One year's Compulsory Third Party Insurance?!
There's not enough tissues in the world!

I've watched stupid news 'filler' stories - the kind they only air when it's been a slow news day - where a panda has licked a tiger cub at the zoo (or something equally nauseatingly cutesy), and balled like a baby.  Giant soppy wet tears raining down.

The fact that I take the piss out of these events, I don't have a particular affection for fluffy animals, and my inner voice hopes the coveted car some bastard won instead of me only comes in some god awful colour, and the electric windows malfunction soon after they take possession - just goes to prove I'm not an overly soppy, touchy-feely type.

Unfortunately, post baby, my body did not get the Memo on that one.

Two days in a row I have run into a Mother at school who has a newborn.  She's lovely.  I am a massive fan of her own Miss5, who is a happy, friendly, carefree pocket rocket.  Now she has to test my fear-factor over my tear-factor by adding a newborn.  A teeny, tiny, fragile little mini pocket rocket.

It's brutal.  I smile at her, exchange pleasantries, and then - no matter how much I tell myself "Don't look down...don't look down...don't look down" - I look down.  At the baby.

And then the tears flow.  This is a cute baby, undoubtedly.  On my "I just want to squeeze the crap outta you" cuteness scale, he is a 10.  But you'd think it was a bottle of extremely expensive Vodka encrusted in princess cut diamonds nestled in that blanket, judging by my reaction.

I'm not clucky.  I wouldn't swap places with the lady holding a newborn for all the tea in China.  Not for all the money in the world (ok maybe for that).  Not for all the vodka in the bottle shop (would most definitely consider it for that).  I do not want any more babies.  I've moved on to counting down until mine are old enough to clean for pocket money, be my designated driver, and contribute rent money.

These body snatching tears have only taken over since I had Miss5.  I blame pregnancy for them, as much as for my ever-present Mummy Tummy.

First there's all the pregnancy hormones that can leave you a bit emotional.  And I know I cried my fair share of tears during the inital sleep-deprived weeks of infancy.  But, considering the twins are now a little over 2 years old, I have to ask myself -

Will this ever stop?

Am I the only moron who has this totally involuntary emotional response to random things?

Will I ever be able to wear mascara again without fear of it turning me into The Joker at the first sign of small fluffy animals conjugating?

Is there a support group or 12 step program?  Or at the very least, a sanitary pad equivalent for under my eyes?

Will I ever be able to watch a game show on TV without the risk of flooding the lounge room when someone wins?

Adult crybaby : The only person capable of pulling it off with credibility and sex appeal. Besides me


10 comments:

  1. Waaaaa....waaaaa...sniff, sniff......waaaaaaaa!
    If you find out the answers please let me know too...*sob, sob*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Water woman over here too! I do not in any way wish for more children (it's a snowflake in hell type scenario after I realised I was not a natural broody hen) but I get all sniffy over babies of random people in shops.... it's a curse!

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  3. Be still my beating heart, CRYBABY WADE WALKER IS A GOD!

    And yes, I am big on the tears too. I have cried during eps of Bold & The Beautiful and Desperate Housewives. I shit you not ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Water works, oh please I know the story well.
    Friday night I watched Narnia, voygage of the Dawn Treader, needless to say at the end I was sobbing at a sad bit. Its shocking.
    I feel for you, even a dramatic lunch time movie, when I get a chance, oh the horror and it doesnt matter how many times I see a sooky movie and know whats going to happen I still blubber!

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  5. I have the answer: waterproof mascara!

    Unfortunately tearfulness comes with the territory. You get over it though, eventually...

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  6. Haha, yeah, guilty here too. Sunglasses. All the time. Inside, outside, wherever. Those eyes can fill with tears and nobody will ever know. You can even wipe away any runners and make it looks like you're giving your eye a quick rub 'something in it'. Just until I get my tear glands removed ;)

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  7. Great idea - and I can feel totally movie-star with them on all the time! Here's hoping my poorly co-ordination doesn't see me walking into walls!

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  8. I've noticed my resolve with this bub improving each day he shows up at school. It helps that I think of something totally boring and emotionless (like golf) when I see him!

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  9. Same same! Even if it's only at the sheer determination required to hold one of Brooke's facial expressions for such an epic length of time

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  10. Fussy Eater's MumApril 6, 2011 at 12:02 PM

    I suffer from the same affliction! It's terrible as I make these horrible gasping sounds if it gets out of control. I really hope it goes away soon *sniff, sniff*

    ReplyDelete

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