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Friday, May 27, 2011

Which catalogue are you?

It's come to my attention - via one of those mind-blowingly inane realisations - that my days can be measured by the type/quality of junk mail catalogue I receive on any given day.

Kind of like how people rate their day via their daily horoscope.  Mine can be rated, judged, assessed based on whether I'm flicking through Target, Best & Less, Avon, Woolworths etc from my daily collection of junk mail.

On a good day, I'm reading a Myer or David Jones catalogue.  Scanning the elegant display living rooms.  Picturing how the coffee table worth more than my monthly mortgage payment would look in the middle of my own living room.  Perched atop the stained rug.  Alongside the plastic multi-coloured baby safety gates.  Scattered with grubby toddler hand prints, half eaten food, and many toys in various states of disrepair.  That image takes a bit of work.

On a great day, it's the Ikea catalogue - with a sale on the Swedish meatballs and kids meals.  You can smell my rubber as I squeal out of the driveway with the kids in tow for that one.

On an average day it's all business - Woolworths, Coles, any other grocery catalogue.  Kind of a 'let's get down to business' sort of day, where I do the usual chores and tasks, without much fuss or drama.

But, some days, I get this :



This stuff is gold.  Unfortunately, the cover of my latest special delivery is quite lame.  It totally belies the comedic gold that is within.  But I would like to draw your attention to the thong coasters, bottom right.  They can be yours for a mere $9.90 for a set of 4.  Mind blowing stuff, right?


I have days where I'm a thong coaster.  Not to say that I coast around in my dental floss undies.  More that I feel like a cheap and nasty inappropriate substitute for a housewife.  On the days where I consider 2 minute noodles a balaced meal because it's got carbohydrates for energy and a few minuscule dots of dehydrated reconstituted non-organic carrot and peas that will plump up to semi-impressive proportions once the hot water does its thing.

 This catalogue is so awesome, it sets my sarcasm radar so aflutter when I find it on my doorstep every few months, that I feel I can't adequately take the piss in one single blog post.  There's just too much fodder within the 99 pages.

So, I am now dedicating Monday's to Home Care catalogues.

Yep, until I've adequately pulled the piss out of the various household gadgets that no household really wants or needs, you will find a post every Monday dedicated to these items.  In all their un-awesomeness.

Because Monday's are a bit sucky - whether you're off to work for yet another week, or off to join the dodge 'em car school run for another week.  Surely you can afford yourself 5 minutes to read along and enjoy the irony of these creations.

So...until Monday...stay tuned with bated breath (and there are a few products that can help with that), as I unveil my first


Home Care Horror Monday


FYI - Today I'm having one of those days where I can totally see the merit in a thong coaster.  I'm easily amused today, and seriously considering whipping out the credit  card to order me a set.  If only it came with an optional additional set of matching miniature beach towels for mopping up the condensation on the outside of your wine glass.

14 comments:

  1. Oh this is gold. I am coming back on Monday. Please deliver!

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  2. ::hyperventilates:: I LOVE the Homecare Catalogue. It is shiny, white, plasticky goodness. Things I never knew I needed, like tubes to peel garlic, and  egg cutters and I don't know - a rubberised, non-slip marmalade cosy shaped like a  Mexican frog. The HomeCare Catalogue is not just homewares, it is some kind of surreal performance art practical joke being played on us all. I will be here every Monday! Yay!

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  3. Another HomeCare lover here! I'm ashamed to think how many things I have bought, and I get especially grumpy when I have a catalogue stuck on the porch for MONTHS because the delivery person never comes back to retrieve it. COME BACK, DAMN YOU!

    I can totally empathise with catalogues setting the tone of the day (or post-work evening, in my case). However, I eventually had to follow my own principles and put up a No Junk Mail sticker, so now the only catalogues I get are the ones specifically addressed to me. Mostly EziBuy and Innovations. The sad thing is, no, I'm not even a mother yet, let alone a grandmother. The first Ezibuy catalogues I got were handed from my granny to my mum, then to me. Shocker. I blame my mum for dragging me around Myer and David Jones as a child - it's put me off shopping in actual stores for life.

    (Actually I'm quite grateful she did this - it saves me a lot of money!)

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  4. Will SO be following this, and I know where you are coming from, my good days are the Domayne and other horrifiyingly expensive furniture catalogues - I can just see the grubby handprints all over the $6000 white suede couch now! But the home care catalogue takes the cake. I look forward to your analysis of the 'bra extender' , the croaking frog garden feature and numerous others!!

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  5. LOL, I think they may have actually stopped dropping those off at my house. Other than the time I ordered one of those plastic iron cover thingies (they are so awesome), I've never even opened the catalogue. I usually just leave them outside so the lady can come back and get it, but Thunder Maker picks it up, brings it inside and either hides the damn thing on me or tosses it in the bin so I have the lady coming back multiple times looking for her catalogue and leaving notes for me. I finally convinced him to leave them alone when I told him he could put a note in asking them not to leave it here anymore. 

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  6. Diaryofastay-at-home-mumMay 27, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    My mum loves those things. I think that's where she gets most of my presents!

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  7. Oh, I'm SO there!  Joining up just for the Monday bliss - I don't think you'll EVER run out of ammunition!!

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  8. I'll be a regular on Mondays now.  I'm going to have to subscribe so I don't miss it!
    The worst thing about HomeCare catalogues is having to remember to put the buggers back out again! Otherwise, I get a knock and the door asking where it is, then have to tottle off and get it out of the bin!

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  9. Ha ha, love those things. My favourite item was a pie-place holder - a bit of plastic you put in a pie dish once the pie has been cut so it all holds it's shape while sitting in the fridge. Only $2.99! Never did get around to buying it...

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  10. Fussy Eater's MumMay 27, 2011 at 8:41 PM

    I'll be here on Monday's too. You are obviously not alone in thinking these catalogues are stuffed with rich material.

    In the USA I use to get a minimum of 5 mail order catalogues per day. It was heaven. The time I wasted flipping through them. I miss it so. Now all I get are tractor part catalogues.

    There was one in particular called "The Vermont Shop" or similar. I'll see if I can't track one down for you. It is pure magic what lies within it! All those things your grandmother would have had and more.

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  11. I fuckin L O V E those catalogues and I only get them 2-3 times a year. I show them to Map Guy, pointing shit out saying "Who the fuck buys this shit?" but obviously someone must... probably my mother.

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  12. No Glowless, Parental Parody's mother does,  it is her answer to menopause, and I have trained my daughter well.  You never know when an army might drop by and you will seriously need that boiled egg sheller that works by water force under the tap!  Then there is the flip down magnifying glasses to help you put your mascara on - which I  haven't worn since my eyelashes down-sized to one cm. and anyway one side kept its own program for dropping down.  But what about the tweezers with the little magnifying glass attached, by the time you get the tweezers to chin level your eyeballs have completely turned around  to the back of your head.  Oh I could go on and on - Ive got the lot.  Now the best bit, the sheer joy of getting the parcel in the back door without detection. Just in case you think I have a problem - my friend bought a washing machine you have to keep turning the handle to make it work.

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  13. #1 Grandmother - exposing some of my future material.  Thanks for that.  She is also my tester, since she has been sucked in enough to buy a ridiculous number of these items...therein squandering my future inheritance....tsk tsk

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  14. You're hilair!

    Happy Blog Carnival Month.=)

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