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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

In a perfect world...

Have you heard of Fantasy Football?  Dream Team?  Ultimate Team?  All fantasy sports leagues, where you get to create your very own dream team out of the entire league of professionals.

Yes?  No?

Okay, how about Farmville?  Frontierville?  And other such online games where you create your own vision of a perfect utopia.

While I don't have time to play any of these while busy  blogging, watching TV, drinking  parenting, it did get me to thinking about my own personal version of a perfect idyllic type setting.

Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville

For those  stuck  enjoying the stay at home parenting gig.

Think your regular, standard issue, garden variety Playgroup - but perfected.  A kind of Playgroup Nirvana, if you will.  Pimp my Playgroup, a la Pimp My Ride.

Picture it...

You're picked up from home by a stretch limo with the maximum ANCAP safety rating.  There are two separate sound-proof sections.  Kids in one, airbagged up to the max.  With soft, BPA-free plastic balls to play with.  And liquidized brocolli, bok choy and spinach to sip on, that tastes like choc milk, so they love it.  Or, you know, something like that.   Say goodbye to the kids as they step into their section, because it's the last you'll see or hear of them all day.

Kids' seat, complete with harness style seat belt and multiple airbags

In the back section, the parents.  Two words.  OPEN BAR.  Sippy cups with sealed lids and straws so there's no fussing over spillage on the drive to Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville.  Massager chairs with seat belts.  Mood music.  Mood lighting.  Essential oils burning in whatever aroma covers calm, relaxed and zenned out to the max.

Parents' seat, complete with faux fur lined massaging seat belt and retractable foot spa

As you pull out of your driveway, a team of cleaners and chef's wave goodbye, as they take over your house/bombsite to magically transform it into a shiny, sparkling, germ-free palace of display home standards - all in time for your return home that evening, to feed the kids the healthy and delicious meal that has been prepared for you.

You arrive at  Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville, and you're promptly whisked away to the Day Spa section.  It's so mega huge it has its own section, you see.

Cappuccino's and Latte's await, as you sit back and enjoy your chosen treatment.

Somewhere, way way way at the other side of the property, beyond hearing distance, your kids are being educated.  Sure, they're too young for school, but Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville manages to pack them full of enough educational goodness to allow you to forego any parental responsibility or guilt for the rest of the week.  Can't be assed reading that bed time story?  No need.  You've been to Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville, where they read a dozen books to cover you for the whole week.

Morning tea is a High Tea type affair.  Fancy little miniature cakes and savouries that you don't have at home because you don't have time to make them between picking up Playdoh before it gets squished into the carpet, and fishing toys out of the toilet.  All washed down with Bollinger, Moet, Veuve, whatever your chosen fancy pants bubbly of choice.

They use only the fancy crockery and cutlery. Please note the lack of chips, cracks and grotty finger prints.

Your kids are happily snacking on organic, corn fed, farm bred, free range hypo-allergenic everything.  And loving it.

Also, they only crap on Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville day.  Once a week, like clockwork.  Where the staff take care of it.  Never at home.  True story.

After morning tea it's time for some trash TV.  Everyone congregates around the mega enormous TV screens that are free of smudgy child-sized hand prints.  You get a whole lounge to yourself.  A lounge with a matching lavender scented, plush, whiter than white blanket.  No stains, no sharing, no suspicious wet patches. Did I mention it's white?  A colour you may not be familiar with since having kids and discovering off-white, grey-white, blue-white, white-with-blotches, and spaghetti-white.

Cocktails are served as you flick through every available channel.  Except sports.  They don't get sports channels at Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville.  They do, however, have multiple shopping and Real Housewives of.... channels, plus channels dedicated solely to Dr Phil, Oprah, Wentworth Miller in Prison Break (that one's for me) and Cougar Town (also for me).

If you feel a twang of parental guilt, you can flick over to the iAppease channel to see what your little darling is up to.  But you really don't need to, because they will most likely be learning a foreign language, or the violin.

Guilt appeased, it's cocktail time.  Again.

Lunch is whatever you want it to be.  McDonalds, Heston Blumenthal, you name it - they've got it.  Meanwhile, your kids are eating more of that organic stuff from earlier.  With tuna and salmon, for Omega 3 and brain development.

After lunch and cocktails it's nap time.  For you, not the kids.  The kids are kept up and active the entire day, to ensure that when they leave, they have only enough energy to smile, cuddle, shower, eat and go to bed for a deep sleep of 12 - 14 hours duration.  No shit.

Please note the distinct lack of stains. Anywhere.

You slumber in your private sound-proofed room.  Alone.  No sharing the blankets or the remote.  Watch what you want on TV as you drift off to sleep, or read one of the many literary tomes, or gossip magazines.  It's completely up to you.  Enjoy your silent, solo, blissful sleep.  You will not be woken by snoring, farting, coughing, crying, screaming, fighting, yelling, small hands tugging on your hair/clothing/limbs/blankets.  Nor by anything warm/wet/slimy being stuck into any of your facial openings.

After some post-siesta cocktails, you enjoy a shower.  SOLO.  With fully functioning hot water.  The only things occupying your ensuite are  expensive toiletries, plush towels, and you.  No toys to trip over.  No kiddy cosmetics or toiletries.  No garish cartoon towels or flannels.  It is an adult sanctuary.  Enjoy.  Light a few non-kiddy-friendly scented candles.

Finally, it is home time.  Your cherub's are deliriously happy, but in a quiet and non-feral way.  They've had the time of their lives.  So have you.

You're whisked home in the uber-limo, in time to beat your hard working spouse home, so you can claim the domestic excellence and culinary genius that took place in your absence as your own.  Clearly, you've been busy today.  The kids are fed, watered, put  out to pasture  to bed.  They're buggered after the day's physically and mentally challenging and educational fun.

You've done well today.  Pat yourself on the back before heading to your freshly made bed with a wine.  Mind the Belgian chockie on the turned down bedding.

That's just how we roll at Ultimate Fantasy Playgroup...ville.


  1. Oh. my. God. That sounds so freaking good!  I'm just really sad now because I was imagining that, and now pow! I finished reading and remembered it's not real :( Seriously, you have an awesome way with words.

  2. I want to live this day everyday ;)

  3. Same. If only, right?  I am sure some of the Vegas casino's must offer this kind of service?  Reason enough to move there in my opinion

  4. Thank you so much! I'm actually about to re-write my wedding vows.  After marrying just before turning 21, I think it's time I wised up and re-wrote the vows.  Stay tuned for that post, because it will be about as idyllic and far from reality as this one!

  5. great post!
    hey, I still don't have kids, but I get to enjoy that too, right?? :)

  6. Oh absolutely. Goes without saying that the parents are kept in a strictly adults only haven on the property, so other child-free adults are more than welcome to join in!


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