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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Parental Olympics

After a bottle of wine (ok, that's a lie...it was more like at least a bottle's worth of wine from a cask) and some vodka Mojito's, #1 Hubby and I solved the world's problems, and moved on to more serious issues.

Namely, beauty pageants, talent quests, triathlons and lawn bowls country week.

All chances to pit yourself agains others, to prove how awesome you are at your chosen speciality.

We agreed that competitions would be much more interesting if they covered every day activities.

Because, come on, how often do you see a gymnast and think "yep, totally did one of those triple twirly moves myself the other day...she's got good form...but I can do better".

I for one am more inclined to think to myself "get that malnourished waif some chocolate and a padded bra, Stat!"

So we decided that a Parental Olympics would totally be the shiz.

And when #1 Hubby got distracted by sport on TV, I went to my happy place (metaphorically, in my head – but also literally, the drinks cupboard) and thought some more about the Parental Olympics.

Here’s what I came up with in my totally A1 state of mind :

Parental Olympics venue 1 : School

Defensive Driving : An obstacle course of parallel parking, kerb parking (half on - half off), squeezing into a spot that doesn't exist, and blind parking around school buses.  All competitors will be driving mini-van's and vying for the same grossly inadequate spots at the same time.

Lunchbox Liaison : Negotiating with a whiny child over the contents of their lunchbox.  Limited, healthy ingredients only.  Nothing in deceptively branded packaging that may influence the child to accept or enjoy the item.

Schoolbag Stuffing : Standard issue schoolbag that must be packed neatly with all items, so that you can still close the zipper.  Includes sporting equipment, musical instrument, enormous water bottle, lunchbox, school jumper, raincoat, library book, homework, textbooks, and awkwardly shaped, fragile science project.


Parental Olympics venue 2 : Home

Post-school Pow-wow : Winner will be whoever can get the most words out of a teenager on the topic of what they did at school that day.  "Good" and "Not much" and "Y'know...the usual" are not acceptable answers, and will not go towards the final word-count.

Television Taboo : The parent who holds out the longest before allowing the TV to be turned on is the winner.

Toy Tidy-up : A selection of toys strewn across every possible surface must be returned to their correct storage location within a set time.  Obstacles include sharp, pointy, moving toys as trip hazards.  Toys ingested and inserted into inappropriate bodily locations on your children will also require safe removal and relocation to their correct place.

Dinner Disaster Management : All children must eat the same vege-packed healthy meal within the allocated time.  Points will be deducted for every time a child leaves the table or attempts to covertly discard food.  Obstacles and distractions will include telesales phone calls and door-to-door collectors during the meal.

Bathroom Biathlon : Includes two events - shower/bath and teeth cleaning.  All children and adults to complete both tasks within the allocated time.  Points deducted for water and toiletries spillage and wastage, and wet towels left on the floor.  There will also be an inane telephone call from your mother in law at some point during the event, in which you will be required to politely converse on her chosen irrelevant topic without once sounding rude, flippant, offhanded, or downright pissy.

Bedtime Bargaining : All children to be in bed by a specified time, amid continual requests for toilet breaks and drinks.  Rooms of older children to be swept for communications devices such as laptops, iPads, iPods, and mobile phones.  This event will only take place when the organisers think that you are sufficiently frazzled and at your wits' end, with no patience remaining for the usual bedtime delay tactics.  Your mother in law will call again at some point during this event.

Morning Mayhem : Spouse's are not permitted to assist with this event.  They are, in fact, instructed to act as an additional child.   They too will require feeding, clothing and esuring they are fully equipped and packed off to work for the day.  Children will be tired, grumpy, and unwilling.  You must convince them to eat a nutritious breakfast, dress, carry out all personal grooming, and remind them of any school requirements for the day.  Shoes and/or socks will be misplaced (after you carefully put them out the night before).  Forgetting homework or a project, or a last minute dress-up or cake sale requirements will only be advised as you are getting in the car.

Parental Olympics venue 3 : Shopping Centre

Shopping Survival : Complete a week's grocery shopping with two young children who will fight over the trolley seat, ignore all pleas to shut up and behave, and all forms of bribery other than sugary processed treats ripped from the shelves in desperation.  Your set shopping list of items will be located at all corners of the massive supermarket.  Other shoppers have been instructed to block the aisles, to stop you to discuss how adorable your pre-tantrum children are, to ask if you know where an item is located because they mistake you for a supermarket employee, and to regularly manoeuvre their trolleys into the back of your feet.  Supermarket staff will be pushing massive pallets of stock in front of you in a slow manner, and erecting large displays at the end of each aisle to hamper your efforts to turn between aisles in anything less than a standard 3 point turn.

Public Tantrum Taming : This event follows directly on from Shopping Survival.  As you leave the supermarket with your overflowing trolley, one child will burst into tears and the other into a screaming tantrum.  Without losing your load (the groceries or your cool), you must calm both children.  You will only be allowed to use your negotiation skills, one free hand, and whatever shopping is in the bags on the top of the precarious pile.

Opening and closing ceremonies will be held at McDonalds.

The awards / prizes would surely have to be Vodka and Sedatives for the parents, Nannies for the toddlers, and boarding school tuition for the older kids.

So, who's in?

2 comments:

  1. Love it! Seagull throws tantrums when I take him to the greengrocer because I won't let him start chowing down on an apple (or any other piece of fruit) until it has been weighed. Thankfully, he's not clued up on things in packets yet. Actually, the strangest thing he has ever thrown a tantrum over is the tray of corn I let him hold for me until we got to the checkout. He was distraught when I took "his" corn away. Even the cashier said that she had never seen a child so upset at having a vegetable taken away.

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  2. Quote: "There will also be an inane telephone call from your mother in law at some point during the event..."  So funny, and yet so true!

    My mother and mother-in-law both know when dinner and bath/bed time is, and yet most days I will still get a call from one or both of them smack in the middle of it. Grrrrr!

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