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Monday, July 4, 2011

Home Care Horror Monday : Part 6

Home security is a big deal.  Most people have a home alarm system. 

Big shout out to one of my neighbours in the street behind.  They either have a new alarm system, are chronically dyslexic, or simply using the key pad to drunk dial when they arrive home rat arsed at 3am.  Because their alarm keeps going off and waking me up.  If I knew which house it was, I would wait outside for them, and offer to enter the code myself.  Before smacking them on the arse repeatedly with the keypad.

I feel a little better after venting.  If only I was globally dominant like JK Rowling, it would be a safe bet that the entire world, including whichever neighbour my whinge is directed at, read this and got the message.

Anyway, as I was saying.  Home security.  Mega important.  So today’s Home Care Horror Monday post is a public service of sorts, brought to you in order to suggest some other methods of keeping your family safe, that you may wish to take on board in addition to your current security measures.  You’re welcome.

Just to wander off on another tangent loosely associated with home security – I once had a personal pepper spray in my younger years.  Do not drunkenly decide that it would make a suitable substitute for chilli and curry powder when making a curry after a few bottles of wine and a number of Vodka shot chasers.  It is not a seamless or adequate substitute.  Martha Stewart : Take note of my tip there, and call me to discuss royalties when you include that in your next cookbook.  That is all.

Wall Clock with Safe Compartment  $12.90

Thieves the world over are now pulling clocks off of walls to look for valuables.  It used to be safe’s concealed behind paintings on walls.  Now it’s wall mounted clocks that conceal a safe within.

So, in essence, now the thief doesn’t need to try and bust in to the safe behind the painting.  He doesn’t need to try and find a way to remove the heavy safe from it’s location, securely and firmly attached to the wall.  They just have to take your clock.

Home Care Horror Rating  :  4/5

Scare Cat  $6.90

Doesn’t it just send shivers of fear down your spine?  No?

Perhaps if it was wearing a Snuggie it would be more scary.

Never mind “Beware of the Dog” signage on your gate, just stick one of these metal predators on your front lawn.  What, no front lawn?  Oh well you’re screwed then.  Better hide your valuables up your posterior like a drug mule would.  Or in your wall-mounted clock safe.

Home Care Horror Rating  :  5/5


Bird Motion Sensor  $19.90

It looks like all their research has pointed towards fauna being the most prudent means of home security.

First issue I have with this is that I don’t have any pretty pink flowers near my door to perch this on, so that it seamlessly blends in with the surroundings, ensuring no would-be thieves detected it.

Second issue I have is that it lets out a melodious little chirp when set off.  Like a bird.  Birds are often found chirping in the suburbs.  Hell, even in rural areas.  They’re kind of everywhere like that.  Not entirely sure how you’d train yourself to distinguish this bird chirping from the real live birds chirping outside - the ones not on protection detail.

On another note, perhaps I could find some tech genius to change my neighbours’ alarm siren to this so the entire 2 block radius can sleep soundly, lulled by the melodious chirping.

Home Care Horror Rating  :  5/5

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