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Friday, July 22, 2011

I'm an adult and can't dress myself for shit

My name is Parental Parody, and I can't dress myself for shit.

I am  32  25ish, and this is a totally new revelation for me.

I've never claimed to be fashion forward or fashion savvy.  In fact, I'm more fashion tone deaf.  I jump onto the trend bandwagon only once the trend has proved its longevity....approximately 2-3 years after it has peaked / classified as a trend.  The up side of this, is that I often get things rather cheap, as retailers are preparing for the next trend - that I will again take about 2-3 years to warm to.

Anyway, recently I  took the piss out of  gently and maternally ribbed Miss5 for accidentally wearing her jeans backwards.  They're kids jeans with an elastic waist, so it was fair to say that it could easily happen.  Unfortunately, it was school holidays and we'd spent a good few hours walking through a large shopping centre before we realised.

I had been wondering why she was sporting an inappropriate portion of butt crack and stomach crack, but it wasn't until the heart shaped knee patches kept winking at me from behind her knees, that I realised what the problem was.

I'm a totally #winning parent like that.

So after I tested my poorly pelvic floor muscles via hysterical fits of laughter...I did take her to the loo to correct the situation.

Less than a week later, she wore her top backwards.  A top with some ornate detailing on the front that is clearly not meant for the back.  Again, my A1 parenting  fail  saw this one slip by me.  Including while Miss5 had an ultrasound of her throat, so she was at my eye level, not moving, with a number of bright lights shining in the exact area that the tag on the back of her top was sticking up around her throat.  It took the ultra sound tech to suggest that it may be on backwards.  A guy.  In his mid 20's.  Not a parent.

Again, mega #winning on the distracted parenting front.

Again, I laughed.  Again, until I almost wet myself.

Imagine my horror and the enormous karmic ass kicking, when - after a FULL DAY at two shopping centres, plus a mega enormous toy store having it's annual sale (read : crowded full of  witnesses  people) - and it's only when I get undressed to shower later that afternoon, that I find my own jeans are on backwards.

Yes, really.

Screw you karma... 

Would you believe me if I said this is what I looked like?

In my defence, they are maternity jeans with the lovely elastic waist band.

Before you ask, no I'm not pregnant again.  As if.  I learnt my lesson the first and second times.

It's just my ever-present Mummy Tummy (2 1/2 years since I had the twins *cough*).  And they make my legs look thin.

So I'm standing in front of the mirror, and Miss5 sniffs victory.  In she walks, out of nowhere - in fact, she didn't walk in.  She crept, all stealth like.  Then she sauntered up to me, all smug like.

She hysterically pissed herself laughing.  It was most unladylike and most ungracious.  I have no idea where she came up with such inappropriate behaviour in the face of such an embarrassing occurrence *cough*.

Being the good and kindly mother I am, I let her have her moment of victory, before telling her to bugger off and watch SpongeBob.

As I showered, one thought kept occurring to me, repeatedly, relentlessly :

Dear. God.  Does this mean my ass is big enough to adequately compensate for the extra material, extra elastic, extra "give" at the front of a pair of maternity jeans?  That which is intended for a fully pregnant belly?

So, now, I just want to amend my previously mentioned (and disgustingly unanswered) public service request :

Pro bono tummy tuck AND butt tuck urgently required.  Please.  Thank you.

Bringing a whole new meaning to "pop a cap in yo ass"



  1. PMSL!!!! If anyone had noticed, all you need do is say 'Don't you know who I am? I am Parental Parody and this is NOT a faux pas - it is a new fashion trend!"

  2. Backwards pants will be the trend in a few years again and you can brag about how you're so cool you were doing that aaages ago!

  3. Hilarious!
    My ass probably would fill up the front part of maternity jeans. And it'd likely be a lot more comfy than my current jeans. Maybe we should get this trend happening so I can get around in maternity-jeans-on-backwards comfort :)

  4. Nat @ Sanity or BustJuly 22, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    Classic! I have now laughed until I also (almost) wet myself! Your daughter sounds like mine - they never miss an opportunity to laugh at my expense :P

  5. Lol, thats Hilarious! 

  6. I nearly pissed myself reading this post! I was laughing so hard and so loud that the hubster wanted me to read your post to him. I found it just as funny on the second read and he had a giggle too!
    Thank you for such a great laugh! Popping over from FYBF

  7. I wore my jumper inside out and backwards for a few hours the other day. Luckily I don't have children who can even dress themselves yet, let alone pay me out for not dressing myself properly.

  8. hehe Too funny!  :)

  9. Hahahaha Us Parents are just too totally awesome to ever do stoopid stuff like put our shirt/pants/underwear on backwards *choke on laughter*

    OKay so I've been there done that too. And had a 10 year old son cack himself at me... yes I let him have his laugh before kicking him in the bum lol

  10. Bahahaha! LOVE it! I've been known to wear my top inside out on occassion.  It took me all day to realise!

  11. Oh I hadn't even checked that region. I was so focused on the bottom half, that I didn't even think to check the top...

  12. It's nice that we are selfless and let our children have that 10 seconds of joyous laughter.  I'm sure it warrants a noble prize in parenting, no?

  13. That's ok, gives you time to practice ;-)

  14. Thank you so much - much appreciated!  Please continue the merriment, with the knowledge that Miss5 went to swimming lessons on Monday arvo with her bathers bottoms on backwards.  Her BATHERS BOTTOMS....

  15. I know, right?! And I have absolutely no idea where she gets it from *cough*

  16. In front of the trend instead of 4 years behind it, for a change. I like it!

  17. Then I could throw my mobile phone at them for added dramatics. A la Naomi Campbell.  No?  Bit much?

  18. Oh. Em. Gee.  I might be testing out my pelvic floor muscles just now.  Not good having just had a baby.  Ow it hurts.  This was so funny.  And so my life of fashion.


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