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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How to manage the kids in my absence

Dear #1 Hubby

As I piss off to Vietnam for 2 weeks, leaving you with the  feral threesome  darling offspring, I thought I'd give you a few pointers on how to  survive  manage without too much fuss and drama.

1.  Avoid eye contact.  As a general rule.  More specifically, never ever under any circumstances make eye contact when they are hungry.  You know how some species eat their young?  Well, when hungry, our kids are like that, but in reverse.

2.  If you need to threaten them with banning TV, don't bother with "No Nickelodeon" or "No Dora the Explorer".  They're immune to that.  Instead, try "No Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" for the twins, and "No Real Housewives of (any series)" for Miss5.  Much more effective.

3.  If Mstr2 tells you he hasn't done poo, don't believe him.  Do not put your hand down there to check.  Always assume he's lying and he has crapped.

4.  When Miss2 say "uh-oh" do not go running in.  Brace yourself, walk slowly, and scan the room before going in.  Be on high alert if she follows up with one of her crazy tyrant "ha ha ha" laughs.

5.  They're all unco, like me.  Don't stress.  If there's no blood, they'll get over it.  Do not call the Doctor while I'm away.  Ever.  Call Aunty Hilary if in doubt.  She has been instructed to provide you with the same "you idiot...stop over-reacting" type tone of voice that I normally would.

6.  Chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, party pies and 2 minute noodles are only acceptable twice a week, maximum.  I've pre-made heaps of vege-filled meals, so use them.  If you feed my kids takeaway, I will know.  Trust me, I will know.

7.  Cordial is not an appropriate means of hydration.  Because I know I can't trust you on this one, I have emptied out all the cordial in the house.  If you buy more, I will know.  Trust me, I will know.

8.  Daycare is Monday, and Friday for one twin of your choosing (I usually go with whichever twin has given me the shits the most that week).  School is every day.  Except weekends.  I shouldn't have to tell you this, yet, for some reason, I feel I must.

9.  Yes they can survive on that little sleep.  Yes they can outlast you.  Yes they have more willpower than you.  Yes they will end you if you let them sense your fear.  But we love them despite all this.

Finally.  Now I know you always defer to me whenever they don't listen, so I've left you a recording of me saying such helpful and authoritative phrases as "Don't touch that!"  "Stop licking that!"  "If you stick that in there one more time, there will be trouble!"  "Don't make me get up from the lounge and come over there!"  "Don't make me put my glass down and come over there!" - and all the other parental type warnings that I say most frequently.

You'll find all of this recorded on the Sponge Bob Kiddy Karaoke boombox.

Also, if you need to use a visual aide, the laminated pic of Mr T that I use to intimidate them is on top of the fridge.

God speed, may the force be with you, Peace Out.

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