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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Non-Fathers Day that was

Sorry Dad, but hey - at least you're in the top 10!


About a month ago, #1 Hubby said he really didn't want anything for Fathers Day...just in case I was already thinking about his gift - a month prior to Fathers Day.

As if...

Then he sat me down last week to seriously advise me (I know he was serious, because he said "I'm serious") that he really truly seriously didn't want to do anything for Fathers Day.  Complete with a pat on the hand, and a sympathetic type nod.  As if he was doing me a favour.

Evil martyr bastard.

In all, he reinforced his desire to avoid presents and fuss multiple times in the lead up to Fathers Day.

I was 200% ready for a non-event day.  Until a week ago when I started to feel guilty, and then outraged when it dawned on me that he may just be luring me into a guilt-trap...whereby he will use my lack of presents and fuss and planned celebratory events against me on future gift-giving occasions for the following 12 months until the next Fathers Day.

You know....."oh I was going to get you something for your birthday / Mothers Day / our anniversary...but I thought we'd agreed to a strict 'no present policy' since you didn't get me anything for Fathers Day".

Again, evil martyr bastard.  But also, slightly impressed with his forethought and cunning.

Also, I have already selected my birthday present, and have already purchased (and wear) my anniversary present.  So it would only be awkward and highly embarassing (for him, not me) if my suspicions were correct and I played along with his non-Fathers Day, non-present stance.

Seriously considered getting him one of these for his non-present


#1 Hubby's non-Fathers Day non-celebration kicked off SATURDAY, with solo attendance at a BBQ.  Solo, as in sans wife to monitor his alcohol intake and call bullshit on his exaggerations; and sans kiddies to have to wrangle when I give him the death stare because I'm sick of doing all the kid wrangling while my drink loses its fizz.

(Seriously...don't invite us to your place if you're including kids.  Our kids will wreck stuff.  I will not enjoy myself since I'll have to spend all my time fretting over what my kids are decimating.  I'd much rather leave them home with a babysitter and  get merrily plastered  enjoy myself as an adult).

This was his first non-Fathers Day non-present : I stayed home with the kids.  Alone.  (thanks, I feel your sympathy).

His second non-Fathers Day non-present : I agreed to spend a Saturday night completely sober.  Not on account of having to manage the kids on my own, but so he could drunk dial me to pick him up.

Is that not the ultimate gift?  To agree to go alcohol-free on a Saturday night, and wait by the phone for a call at some ungodly hour, to provide a taxi service?

Anyway he stumbled in the door just after midnight after calling a taxi.  No phone call or text message to advise me of this change to the original plan.  I could've had a wine or vodka or a number of both.  This makes me incredibly mad, even now, 4 days later.

Sunday morning, Fathers Day.  It's a good thing we weren't celebrating it, because otherwise I would've felt bad about #1 Hubby getting up to the twins and getting them breakfast.  I stumbled out of bed about an hour later, and begrudgingly drove to Macca's to get  me  him a coffee.  That was  non-Fathers Day non-present #3.

#1Hubby opened his unexpected gifts with full expectation.  In fact, he even seemed to be searching for more gifts once he'd opened the two he was given, and helpfully pointed out to me that we have 3 kids, not 2, and therefore innocently suggested I may have forgotten to get the 3rd gift out of its hiding place?

While he was doing this, I was finishing his coffee.  Because I could.

Then I made the ultimate sacrifice : I let him control the cable TV music stations, without complaint.  Non-Fathers Day, non-present #4.  Mega giftage.  Because he has shit taste.  And a less than spectacular voice (if he was on Idol he would make it through to the bloopers show where they replay the idiots who can't sing for crap, but really belt out their audition song because they truly believe they are awesome).

I smiled through the pain when he sang loudly.  Then I put my headphones in and You Tubed some Nelly and Flo Rida to return some of my street cred that he was sucking out of me with his crap 1980's ballad renditions.

There is only so much permed, teased, male mullet-head I can handle.  Especially when it is paired with skin tight stone washed denim - TOP AND BOTTOM.  Shudder.

At some point,  I did start to feel bad for not fawning more attention on #1 Hubby on this one day of the year that is supposed to be all about him.  This was on account of  my wine consumption clouding my judgement and making me sentimental  him being pretty awesome at fatherly duties, especially in always telling me to go upstairs to bed early while he manages the kids at their most feral (pre-bedtime), or letting me sleep in on Sunday's.  Even non-Fathers Day Sunday.  He's also the good parent who regularly reads to them.

So I jumped on Ebay and paid a sick amount for tickets to the Roxette and 1927 concert.  #1 Hubby is beside himself, having thought we'd missed out on tickets when they sold out last week.  (I say "we'd missed out" in the sense of him being totally devestated, and me being all "woohoo, dodged a bullet there!").

Makes me sick to think that I just paid the equivalent of 2 plane tickets to Bali, for a concert by 1980's bands that were popular when I was a bloody toddler.  I will require much liquor before attending, and also full body paint/disguise - just in case I see someone I know.

Happy non-Fathers Day #1 Hubby, I sincerely hope you enjoy your non-presents.

I am expecting big things from our Wedding anniversary in October, and my  annual  25th Birthday in November.  Huge.  Massive.  Enormous.  EPIC.

Incase anyone is wondering, I've already selected #1 Hubby's gift for next Fathers Day :

USB Powered Fan Tie : To help Dad keep his cool.

10 comments:

  1. I hate ducking fathers day.

    The Biz does it every year, the guilt trip. The "I dont want/need anything for fathers day"
    Yeah right, pull the other one.
    But this year we went shopping and he got picked and paid for something that he wanted. (he chose an external hard drive cos he's all geeky and stuff)
    But has he used it? No
    Has he even plugged it in? No
    The only thing he has done with it, is take it out of its box.

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  2. If Mr Woog did that thing to me.... On a Saturday night? I would fucking divorce him....

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  3. Love the Ab hancer. Don't know what a hancer is, but it looks the goods.

    I've had that mean Saturday night trick played on my too.  Like we don't have a life...

    Looking forward to seeing what you get for your anniversay.

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  4. Love it.  I got hubby a "How to Lose Your Fat Gut" Diet book for Fathers Day.  Hey, it was from the kids - he can't get angry with me.

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  5. You r bloody hilarious. I want u to know that your sarcasm puts a big smile on my face when I read your ranting and raving about your every day life. You should write a book and make some money off your ranting. I'm a huge fan, bravo for saying all the crap we go through and making us laugh :0)

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  6. Think you should get him a set of boxes next Fathers Day.  So he can take the box out of the box, and repeat, since that's what he enjoyed doing this Fathers Day.

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  7. I was close.  I was tempted to Google "online divorce application", and leave it on the laptop just to give him a wake up call.

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  8. So far I have a lovely Swarovski Crystal ring set in platinum.  Well, platinum coated at least.  Haven't got him anything, but figure I can bluff my way through it, feigning hurt and disgust at him having forgotten the awesome present I got him a few months ago....*ahem*

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  9. That is gold.  I may have to get #1 Hubby some Rogaine or an Ashley & Martin gift voucher for Xmas from the kids, since he's so paranoid about balding.

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  10. Ohhhh you are lovely!  I'm going to print and frame this comment.  And maybe use it as a reference to approach publishers with.... "see, I've actually been REQUESTED to write a book...so how much money will you pay me to do it???" - should totally work, right?

    Thank you for your comment, I'm always glad when people get the sarcasm and don't take it seriously and consider calling child services on me instead!

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