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Monday, October 24, 2011

An open letter to my nearest and dearest re: my birthday

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to discuss my upcoming birthday.

As you know, cherished nearest and dearest, extended family, close friends, and those fond enough of me to purchase birthday giftage, I’ll be turning  25 again  a little bit older than 25 in a few weeks.

This year, I figured I’d get in before you start quizzing each other on what to get me, and then give up because you have no clue, and end up either asking me directly, or resorting to crap giftage.


For your reference, crap giftage includes, but is not limited to :

- Scratchies 
Unless you can guarantee they’ll win, and win more than $10

- Lotto tickets
Unless you can guarantee they’ll win, and win more than $10

- Flowers
Yes #1Hubby, it’s impressive when you walk in the door brandishing a bouquet.  But it dies quickly, and until it does die I have to maintain it and take care of it and you know I don’t do flowers or gardens.  The only living things I maintain are the children, ok?

- Clothing
You’ll never get it right.  Style, colour, size.  Never.  Not even you, #1Nana.

- Books
Yep, don’t really read much paper material these days.  I know that’s bad, but deal with it.

- Ornaments and/or ornamental objects
Don’t got the space.  Don’t got the inclination to admire it.

- Jewellery
Yes #1Hubby, again I’m talking to you.  I loves me some sparkles, but when you’re unsure if you’ve got me an impressive enough gift, do not – I repeat do not – resort to adding in a cheap bracelet or necklace from Zamels or Goldmark that has been further reduced to $14.95.  Firstly, I know when you’ve done this, because my super sensitive skin sends me into an eczema frenzy any time I wear fake stuff for even an hour.  Also, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a less is more girl where jewellery is concerned.  Save the pennies darling, and one day we’ll go check out Argyle diamonds  if #1Nana doesn’t gracefully expire first, allowing me to suck hers off her finger before her good self has gone cold.

- Anything from Crazy Clarkes
Anything.  It’s not that I’m a brand snob.  I just really like trawling the aisles of discount and dodgy foreign versions of name brands for myself.  Don’t take the fun out of it for me, okay?


Not to appear ungrateful, I’ve also helpfully drawn up a wish list of birthday presents.  Some of it is substantial.  Okay all of it is substantial, so I fully permit you to go in together and get me one impressive gift between you.


Approved giftage :

- iAnything
iPod, iPad, iPhone.  You choose.

- Espresso machine
Just to clarify, that does not mean a cheap coffee plunger that cost you $4.99 at Red Dot.

It means one of these lovelies:

Nespresso with milk frother attachment, because I'm a bit precious about manual milk frothing


To be delivered by this lovely:

Hello George...


- Booze
Not the cheap stuff.  Not the stuff you normally see me drinking that I buy myself.  In short – nothing in cardboard.

I’m not entirely sure how many more hints I can drop about this one.  I’ve even resorted to blatant requests and begging.  But still, none of you appease me.  I want to try expensive, fancy, hoity-toity Bubbly, damnit.

So please stick to the following options, should you go for booze :
Cristal
Moet
Veuve Clicquot
Veuve Clicquot Rosé
Bollinger
Mumm
Dom Perignon
Gin
Scotch
Lifetime supply of Mojito’s

Totally  to be expected  telling that my most extensive and detailed list is booze.

- Tickets to Michael Bolton
Just kidding.
Seriously, don't even think about it

- Babysitting
Don’t care who does it.  You can even do it yourself if you’re  stupid brave  kind enough.

- Sponsorship
As if you haven’t already had enough of me banging on about getting sponsorship for the DigitalParents Conference 2012.  You could easily shut me up by coughing up the cash.  Just saying.

- Cash
Speaking of cash.  I love it.  If you don’t have the time to go out and get me a Nespresso and book George Clooney to deliver it, then I’m happy to organise that myself if you want to just hand over the cash.  You’re welcome.

- Vin Diesel
If George Clooney isn’t available

- Wentworth Miller
If George Clooney and Vin Diesel aren’t available

- The Rock
If George Clooney, Vin Diesel and Wentworth Miller aren’t available


You have exactly 22 days.

It should be really easy for you now that I’ve provided such a generously extensive wish list.

God speed.

And also, you’re welcome. 


10 comments:

  1. LOl,
    my birthday is next monday, And i have no freaking idea what I want.
    I think Im just going to tell Hubby to give me cash, so then I can go buy lots of things ON MY OWN, FOR MYSELF.
    hopefully without the whinge brigade.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am a Crazy Clarkes fan too. I have an obsession with cheap platic containers.
    I cannot remember the last time I was actually given something for my birthday that I needed or liked. Am I so difficult to buy a gift for? Is it such a mystery what would please me? It's not like I have a lot of stuff. No one is saying, "What do you get the girl who has everything?"
    I like your list. Especially the detailed list ready for Dan Murphy's. Hope you get a wade of cash!

    ReplyDelete
  3. A girl who know what she likes ;)  I too would happily sip on George Clooney served nespresso all day.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Being a woman who asked for an iPhone and received lip gloss - I hear ya sister!

    Hysterical.

    Kirsty x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yo, When's your b'day? I know you said in 22 days time, but I've just had half a glass of wine and for the life of me I can't work that out. Mine is Nov 27, 25 again also. O.M.G this made me laugh in so many ways. iAnything, further reduced to $14.95, not honey flavoured. I also thought the comment below from @crash test mummy said 'I too would happily suck on George Clooney ...' *sigh* I must stop drinking cheap wine, some of that Veuve Clicquot sounds delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Shoe me the money!

    And yes, I know it's meant to be "Show", but I think that my type of "Shoe" is also an appropriate option, because who doesn't love shoe shopping?

    ReplyDelete
  7. We must take my Wine Bag covertly shopping at Crazy Clarkes for cheap plastic wine goblets to go with the bag.

    I'll use my wads of cash to pay for them.  Highly appropriate as I am not expecting wads of cash, so Crazy Clarke's plastic glasses will be right in my price range.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I would even put a couple of straws in my flat white and share it with him, as we smoulderingly gaze at each other.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you. I'm feeling more and more validated with each comment.  I should start a website for people to create their own gift wish lists and have family anonymously check items off the lists.  Genius, no?  Consider it patented if Mark Zuckerberg or Kim Kardashian don't beat me to it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. 15th November. Keep up the wine consumption, you clearly have much training to build up  your 'tolerance' before March.  We will work on this next weekend in between trying not to launch our bowling balls as missiles.  And I too read Crash Test Mummy's comment that way first time, and I was all like "right on sister!"

    ReplyDelete

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