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Monday, December 5, 2011

Seeking play date's for the man-child



This whole parenting thing can change your circle of friends.  Those without kids aren't up for 9am park play dates.  Likewise, you're not really able to do the 9pm dinner reservations.

#1Hubby and I have only recently come to this startling realisation while searching high and low for that long lost thing we once referred to as our social life.

I fondly remember regular meals out with my girlfriends.  They were often after a hefty gym workout (read: 15mins in the sauna followed by 30mins in the spa....all required after 20 seconds climbing the stairs out the front).

#1Hubby used to frequent his local Pub after work on a Friday, followed by some sort of essential sporting viewing at a bar or a mate's place over the weekend, and perhaps a round of golf in there too thankyouverymuch.

This was all scheduled around regular parties, dinners, movies and whatever the hell we felt like doing at the drop of a hat.

Now we stay at home with the kids. Or go to Macca's with the kids. Or go to the park with the kids. Occasionally, when feeling really sociable, we go to Sizzler with the kids.

Babysitters are pricey, and the kids are feral.  The only possible way of gaining a social life is either online (please...no online gaming communities...I may lose my shit), or with very sympathetic and understanding fellow parents.  Solidarity.  Strength in numbers.  All that stuff.

And so I've got a few different groups of girlfriends who I very occasionally get out with.  #1Hubby is starting to notice the frequency of these outings increasing.  With the decrease in duration between my fleeing the house while shouting "Woohoo...freedom is mineeeee!", so the moaning and whining emitting from his person increases.

Seriously, there's nothing more irritating than a whiny man-child.  Kids are kids, you can dazzle them with smoke and mirrors (or toys and treats, if you don't have any smoke or mirrors handy).  Kids can be distracted in a heartbeat by the wave of an icy pole or a trip to Macca's.  Husbands are not so easily pleased.

So I've been on at #1Hubby to take up sport again.  I even said it with a straight face, and without snorting (because I'm a lady and all that).  You see, #1Hubby is prone to severe and seriously life threatening muscle strains within 2 weeks of joining any sporting club.  He's actually very fit (thought it was time I threw a compliment his way, amidst all this husband-bashing), and very athletic.  He's just forgotten that he's not 20 anymore, and so goes hard the second he joins any team, and starts to crumble at the knees, ankles, and every other bodily joint, within 2 weeks of commencing training.

He likes golf.  He even has golf clubs.  He pulled them out of the garage just the other day....to clean and polish and loan to someone else to...you know...play golf with them.

So anyway I've been thinking about how to increase his social presence.  I'm annointing myself his Social Secretary.  I'm starting with his online presence.  A bit of a Social Media campaign, if you will.

I've been eyeing off DearBabyG's HB as a potential play date, and so I've started easing #1Hubby into the concept of Twitter where I could instigate a little follower action and watch the relationship blossom.  Or something like that.  This is in no way due to DearBabyG owning a kick ass cofffee machine, or receiving a MacBookPro for her recent 27th birthday.  That is just sheer coincidence and good husbanding on the part of HB.

Ideally, I'd like to set him up with George Clooney, because he's a pretty cool guy, and he'd be super pretty for me to look at over the outdoor setting during casual BBQ's...and he is also my key to the f&cking* NESPRESSO THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

You had to expect I'd find a way to weave that one in, right?


I'm thinking of setting #1Hubby up on a series of play dates with males I have pre-approved.

How does one receive the tick of approval?

I'm glad you asked.  There are a number of equally weighted criteria:

  • Wife must be awesome
  • Both must drink
  • No wine snobbery.  As much as I'd like to be a wine snob, I don't have the budget for it. 
  • Must have slight hearing issues, so as not to be put off by the ever noisy feral threesome.
  • Must have kids who are not perfect.  By perfect, I mean irritating.  By irritating, I mean adult-children who are speaking 3 languages by age 5, and mastering at least 2 instruments (one of which is the classical violin).  Those types wouldn't want their kids near mine.  It would only end in tears.
  • Must love Bali.  Because I foresee a future of joint holidays to my happy place, fuelled by cocktails and shopping.  No judgement on my dumping the kids on a Nanny (or, even better, if they have older kids - bribing them to be the Nanny to my kids).
  • Must not be excessively clean and tidy, because it just makes me feel inferior (their house, not their person.  Their person is expected to be relatively well maintained).
  • Must find me funny.  Because I've got nothing else.  Don't expect me to discuss foreign policy, the finer points of the budget, or anything that doesn't involve Britney Spears or reality television.
  • Must be happy with a decent portion of the friendship taking place online.  Because even if you're prepared to meet all of the criteria above, we are quite lazy about getting out and about with the feral threesome, so expecting us to make weekly play dates is not an option.  Unless you have a pool.  And a bar.  Then we'll commit.

If you meet this criteria, please email your application letter and resume of awesome buddy qualifications and experience to parentalparody@hotmail.com.

We will contact you for an interview, should you make the short list.

Accompanying head shot required only if you're George Clooney.  Or Wentworth Miller.

Sweet. Wonder if I get a Childcare Rebate at this place?



*f&cking is not technically swearing #1Nana, so don't call to chastise me over my potty mouth and the waste of expensive private school education that you bestowed upon me while foregoing luxury holidays. 


12 comments:

  1. Love it! I imagine HB's on the bus reading this and laughing himself silly over the prospect of a new man pal. He now sends me texts ... 'Have you read PP's new blog post ?' FFS.

    Pretty sure we tick all those boxes for your very stringent requirements. Especially 'wife must be awesome', that is me to a tea girlfriend. The feral threesome would be 3 silent angels amongst our rowdy lot of 6. Plus I have an empty chook pen I can lock them all in if they are not. I don't think a fox would eat them.

    Besides the best part if they become BFFs is they can team up and babysit together whilst we hit the town and partay on cheap booze.

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  2. I will be sending my resume shortly as I can say with confidence that we meet all your criteria. Mr Fussy bought a surf board the day Darling No1 was born (obviously forgetting he had to go to the jeweller) because he was going to get all fit and youthful with it. That board has never touched the water. But Mr Fussy would make a great play date, I swear.

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  3. This is hysterical.  I think because I soooooo relate.  Hubby actually has cobwebs growing on his golf clubs.  Wish we weren't so far away or that resume be definitely be on it's way.  LOL.

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  4. It's just over 3 hours since I read this. It's taken me three hours to respond because I've been hiding in the toilets at work. Note to self, unlike your daughter it is not funny or cute when you piss yourself in public... PS charcoal pants don't hide wet marks as well as black pants.

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  5. I had to laugh at your comment about online gaming communities. I have been known to sign up to the online games my hubby plays, befriending his mates and then sending them in-game messages like "Tell my hubby to sign off and come to dinner now, or his arse is divorced!" This is while he is sitting on the couch with his laptop on the coffee table, not two metres away from me. 

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  6. Ha Ha! Love it! Just spent time reading through your blog and I so want to apply! I think I would probably be the Andy to your Hamish though (could not think of any other comedy duos - poor form for a Monday) as I am not very funny - pragmatic and sometimes sarcastic, but not witty like you! My husband has golf clubs he stares at longingly too!

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  7. I did get a Tweet from him referring to hiding in the toilets from wetting himself laughing. I am going to take that as a yes to golf.

    I want a chook pen.  I have seriously broached the subject with #1Hubby, and he pointed out that our teeny tiny courtyard would not hold a chook pen.  Until I told him it was for the kids, and that totally had him reconsidering where we could fit it in.

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  8. That would be perfect, as I suspect Mr Fussy and #1Hubby have played serious country football against each other in their hey-day.  Surfboard never used...I have the perfect sporting equipment museum for that - also known as my garage.

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  9. That's awesome. I'm going to take that as a yes to golf.

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  10. That is gold!  I have sent #1Hubby text messages from upstairs, requesting a cup of tea late at night - but I've never thought to do that!  #1Hubby has a habit of ringing 6PR talkback, so I may have to start phoning in myself, to pass on my messages of "get milk on the way home" or "bring me up a tea, white and one".

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  11. You get to be the Andy?  So I'm the short one?  You have the killer body and get to be a top bachelor and date supermodels?  Actually that is probably scarily accurate.  I think we should all band together and melt down all the sets of unused golf clubs, and make jewellery.  It could be like a weekly craft date.  Like scrapbooking, but not.  And with wine.

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  12. Damn, it looks like my family fails on several criteria. Thunder Maker was a language teacher in a previous existance and has already taught Seagull how to count to 50 in four languages (including English). He is also getting a child-sized drum kit for his birthday. Also, my work won't let me go to Bali. :(

    In saying all of this, I live on the opposite side of the country to you, so it's all a moot point. I still think you are funny though.

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