Saturday, April 30, 2011

An apology (with associated excuse) and a Winner

Forgive me Interverse / Interwebs / Internetalonians...whatever my world wide webbage of peeps prefers to be called...

Anyway, where was I....


It has been over a week since I last had more than 2 minutes of consecutive net access to sit down and write a post.

Yes, I'm okay - thanks for your concern.  It was tough, I did get the D.T. style shakes a number of times.  I actually found myself rattling away, typing on the table top.  No I'm not being sarcastic.  Yes I really did it.  Being that my speedy typing is my one single life skill, I was obviously feeling a bit below-average and needing to show off my typing prowess.  So it was with much hand-slapping from #1 Hubby over the Easter break, that I tried to curb this new side effect of my blogging/twitter/ Facestalker Facebook addiction, of absently bashing out morse code style messages on the table top while holding a conversation,  yelling at  talking to the kids etc.

I tried to self-medicate with vodka, champagne and caffeine.  It worked, for the most part.  It also helped drown the warring twins out fabulously.  Nothing could drown out Miss5's lamenting over the lack of cable television or digital free-to-air TV channels "in the sticks".

Can I just say - we were a mere 1.5hrs from the city.  Hardly the sticks.  But, what I had planned to be the kids' introduction to lawn / grass and blue skies, trees, fresh country air and open places, was a bit of a letdown on the parental front. 

The twins tiptoed around the lawn, until they realised it was attached to a road.  Then they were off.  Miss2 will be weighed down in future (Mafia style...concrete blocks around her ankles), because she is super fast for her little 2yr old self, and was found on more than one occasion at the end of the road before #1 Hubby or I could hurdle the baby gates and catch up to her.  No idea how she managed to get over the gates in a quicker (and probably more graceful) manner than her less vertically challenged parents?

Thankfully, the #1 Grandparents' house is in a quiet cul de sac - or, you know, dead-end for those of you not living in France where the term cul de sac seems more appropriate.

There was one occasion where she got slightly further away from me....but I haven't told #1 Hubby about that yet, and he would have kittens if he found out.  So I'm keeping that one to myself for now.  Seriously, he would give birth.  Then we'd have to long-haul it over to Oprah for the guest appearance, and quite frankly, I am not stupid enough to sit in a tin can plane for that many hours with my 3 kids.  And so that's the other reason I'm not going to fess up to the more hair-raising dodgy distracted parenting fail of the extended Easter break.

Besides, it'll only ruin my next post where I bang on about how crap my Easter was, being the only mature adult running the house (yeah...for real...I was the closest thing to a responsible adult).

So, back to the matter at hand.  Because there actually is one.  It's not all about me and my winy rant over crap net access.

Pinocchio DVD giveaway - better late than never people!  My sincerest and most humble apologies go out to Sonia Wilson for not posting her win 3 days ago when I was meant to.  I blame the rural internet.  In the same way people blame the old school mail system of letters and stuff going missing and being late.  Put simply, it's just not my fault.

Here's the piccy from the draw to give me full credibility....

So, Sonia Wilson....come on downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!  Or, at least, email me your address so I can have the lovely and generous types at Porter Novelli send your prize in less time than it has taken me to draw and announce your win.  Unless, of course, there is a delay with the post (see how easy it is to blame it on the mail system?).

For everyone else, Snow White is still up for grabs.  Promise not to take 3 days to draw and announce that one.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Snow White : DVD Review and Giveaway

Snow White

The original and the best fairy tale.  This classic was Walt Disney's first ever animated feature film.

Snow White - What little girl didn't want to be her?  Who didn't want their own set of dwarf's?  Complete with a Prince Charming type and a happy ending.  What more could you want for your kids?

I may or may not have used chocolate biscuits in an attempt to bribe my friends into being my own set of 7 dwarf's, so they would clean my room for me and act as my slaves.  FYI : It didn't work, chocolate biscuits were not enough of a drawcard to take on the names Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy etc. etc.

I've since produced 3 of my own dwarf's, who I refer to as Whiney (Miss5), Tyranty (Miss2) and Princessy (Mstr2).  If I include #1 Hubby I also have Wanky (ho ho...will pay for that one later), and #1 Brother next door is Grumpy - only because I can't have 2 Wanky's.

It is almost worth having another 2 kids to get a full set of my own personally named dwarf's.

BTW...dwarf's or dwarves?  Or is it dwarfi?  What is the correct term for multiple dwarf?

You know, I am quite jealous of Snow White and that nap of epic proportions she had thanks to the poison apple.  Mothers...can you imagine taking a nap uninterrupted by crying, whining (or smacking on the head in my case, as the twins have finished whatever snack I've tried to distract them with while I catch a few zzz on the lounge).

Just once, it would be nice to have a Snow White moment, and be woken by true love's kiss (in the form of Vin Diesel) and not a slappy smacky twin or a blood curdling whiney grizzle.  I'm just saying.

Moving on...

Tying in with last week's Pinocchio review and giveaway (and my mini ranty-soapbox moment) - the Walt Disney Classic's vault is still open.  But not for long.

So, it is with much gratitude to Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment and Porter Novelli, that I have a copy of the amazing Snow White Diamond Edition Blu-ray and DVD Pack to give away.

How do you win this awesome pack?

1.  Follow this blog (because if I'm super nice they may give me other cool stuff to give away)
2.  Follow me on Twitter or Facebook (abbreviated random ramblings aplenty...)
3.  Comment below confirming you're following
     AND tell me something your ideal Prince Charming would need to have
     (wit, money, abs of steel - all on my wish list)

Entries close midnight (WST) Tuesday 3 May.

Entry is open to Australian residents only
Winner drawn by
Entry closes midnight (WST) Tuesday 3 May.  Winners announced Wednesday 4 May.

Good luck!

Disclosure: I received a complimentary review copy of this DVD courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment via Aussie Mummy Bloggers. No financial payment was offered nor accepted for this post. All opinions expressed are purely my own.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday : Day of rest...allegedly

It's Good Friday. Whether or not you obseve the holiday - it's a day of rest.  Even the Casino is closed (for half a day, at least).  A day of rest is something every mother should get on board with, religious followings aside.

So there will be no post from me today.  I'm observing the day of rest.

So far I've rested by doing 2 loads of washing, because the twins ripped their nappies off very early in the night - my CSI skills have determined it was 'early' in the night due to the temperature and lividity of the corpses....and you can guess what I'm referring to there.....  Obviously I didn't grab my thermometer to test the temperature, but suffice to say, the 'evidence' was well set.

Ewwww....enough of that talk.

So I've made 2 porta cots.  We're at the #1 Grandparents' house (while they were wise enough to bugger off on a European cruise over the holdiay period), so thankfully there's no back-breaking involved in changing sheets on their usual huge cots at home.

I've also rested by doing four different kinds of breakfast.  Miss5 wants hot cross buns.  Plural.  Because she only eats the raisins/sultanas and the cross bit on top.  So she goes through 2 in order to get her fill.  And yes, I tried to explain to her that I could just give her regular raisins/sultanas instead, so she didn't have to disect and dismember multiple hot cross buns...but it's not the same thing...apparently.

A lot like with Muffin's and the much shunned muffin-bottom, nobody in our household wants Miss5's discarded Hot Cross Bun bottoms or sultana/raisin - free carcasses.

This was followed by 2 different kinds of cereal for the twins.  The first kind they adored yesterday, but not today.  Hence the second attempt.

Followed by burnt toast for me, and regular type toast for #1 Hubby.  Mine burnt while I was mid cereal-exchange for the twins.  #1 Hubby came out at this point to evaucate the house because he thought it must be on fire.  His mistake - just the smoky smell from the burnt toast, and perhaps the fire in my eyes from the shitty bloody breakfast so far.

I then rested by cleaning all of this up.

I proceeded to rest by diffusing some sibling tensions over Dora and Spongebob.  Followed by more meltdowns over more Dora and Spongebob (this time, of the DVD variety).

Then I rested over lunch.  Again, multiple options for my FIVE children.  No, I did not "sneeze out" another set of twins.  I'm just counting #1 Hubby and #1 Brother as extra children, since they are as much use on the parenting and domestic front as the children are.

And now, as I've finally sat down....I observe this day of rest by telling you I'm too busy resting to post anything today.

Thank the Vodka Gods for the no red meat ruling on this restful day.  Fish and chips for dinner...which I will be responsible for arranging, picking up, and cleaning up afterwards.   Totally restful conclusion to my day, I expect!

Hope you're all enjoying a restful Good Friday of your own, however you choose to observe it.

Personally, I can't wait for it to be over - because Good Friday is followed by a working Saturday for yours truly.  I'm counting down the very seconds until I escape for a day of silent, empty office bliss with my secret love - the Espresso machine.

PS - if, by any remote chance, you are feeling a twang of sympathy for me - could I ask that you interrupt your own restful day by clicking HERE to vote for Parental Parody (on the 3rd page - it's all fancy and alphabetically listed).  You can only vote once, so if you already have, I thank you.  And if you haven't yet voted - I will accept a vote in lieu of Vodka soaked chocolate for Easter.  Thank you very much.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Pinocchio : DVD Review and Giveaway

I'm feeling a little bit soap-boxish today.  I'm feeling that itch and twitch that means I am in desperate need of some serious venting (or sedation).

Today's rant is bought to you by cartoons.  To be specific, modern day cartoons.  In fact, to go back to generalising (might as well offend many, as opposed to a select few), any program aimed at kids under the age of 8.  Which is all of my kids, and often myself since my humour and maturity dips to that level on a regular basis.

The twins and Miss5 watch Ben 10 obliterate giant monsters.  They then try and obliterate each other.  There's nothing sweet, cute, nice, or educational about it.  While I'm not critiquing the content or merits of the cartoon itself, the 10 minute coffee break is the most positive aspect, in my opinion.

Miss5 has been a mega Dora The Explorer fan for some time.  I applaud the counting and educational content, the storylines with a meaning/moral - only Miss5 is now trying to speak in Spanish.  Poorly.  Making up words, claiming they are Dora-esque.  Particularly when being questioned about suspicious stains emitting a distinct nail polish aroma.  She mumbles something barely audible that includes a hola and an amigo and finishes with a vaminos! before dashing off to avoid sentencing for her crimes against fabric (and fashion - if you'd seen the colour of polish she was painting over her skirt...a total clash of colour schemes).

This got me to thinking.  Modern day cartoons are, for the most part, about killing aliens or monsters or robots or monster alien robots.  For the girls, there seems to be a push towards animated tween figures, in tight jeans and midriff bearing tops, talking about makeup and clothes and nothing of substance or relevance to a CHILD and not a TEEN.

There's not a lot that is nice, friendly, happy, innocent.  And with so much on TV doing absolutely nothing to promote kids being kids, it made me think about what I watched as a kid.

Y'know...just a few wee years ago...

I'm talking back in the days of big heavy box style TV's - none of this PLASMA, LCD, 3D stuff.

As you know, I'm a big subscriber to the parenting-via-technology method.  I go into total meltdown if we have a power blackout.  The house instantly turns into an episode of Survivor as we all get antsy and feral and scared over the lack of television and Wifi.  Until we bale out and head to Macca's.

Recently, I took Miss5 to see Tangled.  Great movie.  Kiddy-friendly, and a decent amount of humour for adults.  Not a midriff in sight, no laser emitting robots or blowing stuff up.

Winnie the Pooh - It can stop the twins dead in their tracks, mid civil war, and instill a sense of peace and calm for 40 minutes of DVD viewing silence and serenity.

I can recite much of the Toy Story series, on account of how they play in our house more than the daily News.

What do these preferred animated movies all have in common?  Disney.  They are all Disney movies.
Insert seamless segue from ranty soapbox moment into DVD review and giveaway....


The story of a toy who wants to be a real boy, with an underlying moral lesson about telling lies.  Totally pertinent to me as a child, since I religiously bluffed my way through "Show and Tell" each week as a 6yr old, with grand tales of the elephant my parents hired to get me around for the weekend, since the chain had come off my bike.  A bit of a stretch on the credibility-factor, when you live in a small town of around 400 people, and your teacher is your sister who lives 3 doors down from you.  God love her sisterly loyalty for never calling Bullshit on me.  Perhaps she should've since it did get a wee bit out of hand when I created an epic fib to get out of Sports one Friday, by telling the teacher I was too upset to play netball since my parents were getting a divorce (I'd just learnt that word).  Imagine how quick that one spreads around a town of 400....oops.

Anyway....moving on to the upside of my ranty soap box moment

Each year the Disney Vault opens to release Walt Disney Classics on DVD and Blu-ray.  We're talking digitally updating the old-school VHS cassette to sharper images, better sound quality, and instant rewind (because how much does it shit you that a VCR cassette takes FOREVER to rewind?).

Bet you can't guess which two Disney classics are being digitally remastered and released as we speak?

Go on, try....

Yep, that's right - for a short time only - live, to your living room

Pinocchio (celebrating it's 70th Anniversary - can you believe it was first released SEVENTY years ago?  That's a true classic when it's still around and being re-released today)


Snow White (a lady never tells her true age, so we'll just say she's around 25, like me...)

The best part?

Thanks to Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment and Porter Novelli, I happen to have a copy of each to give away.

It's taking all my willpower to do this - as they make awesome presents, and I have a number of birthday parties coming up.

Note: Snow White DVD Review and Giveaway will be posted next week.  This competition is solely for Pinocchio.

How do you win your own piece of timeless Disney Classic history?

1.  Follow this blog (because if I'm super nice they may give me other cool stuff to give away)
2.  Follow me on Twitter or Facebook (because I make an excellent twit...)
3.  Comment below confirming you're following
     AND tell me the best white lie you've heard or told

Entries close midnight (WST) Tuesday 26 April

Entry is open to Australian residents only
Winner drawn by
Entry closes midnight (WST) Tuesday 26 April.  Winners announced Wednesday 27 April.

Good luck!

Disclosure: I received a complimentary review copy of this DVD courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment via Aussie Mummy Bloggers. No financial payment was offered nor accepted for this post. All opinions expressed are purely my own.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Biozet Attack Ecosmart

Recently I threw down the mother of all motherly type challenges to Biozet Attack Ecosmart.

The scope of the challenge?

Here's a quick equation for you, to wow you with my mathematical genius:

   1 food loving parent who uses leaky pens and works in dusty conditions
+ 1 unco-ordinated food spilling twin wrangling parent
+ 1 5yr old with a penchant for paint and make up
+ 1 2yr old who eats EVERYTHING after rolling in it
+ 1 2yr old who likes make up and nail polish

= Approximately 9 loads of clothing to wash each week
   Plus 4 - 5 loads of manchester (sheets, towels etc.)

I spend a LOT of time - no, a DEPRESSING amount of time - in my laundry.

I have to re-wash almost half of our clothing, since spaghetti bolognese - like cockroaches - will survive a global meltdown, and is irritatingly resistant to almost all washing detergents.

Nothing irks me more than having to do so much bloody washing in the first place - only to have to turn around and re-wash a lot of it.

Seriously, if I had my way, the entire family would be clad in recyclable disposable eco clothing that never had to be washed, and was insanely cheap.  Wear it, toss it, recycle it.  Done.

In addition to my laundry aversion, #1 Hubby and Mstr2 are both prone to eczema - and therefore - whining.  You know man-flu?  Hubby gets man-eczema.  Any hint of a tickle on his skin and he's off into an eczema code-red panic frenzy, hoarding all mosturising products to coat himself in.

Thanks to the skin sensitivity, I've had to start paying attention to the products I use around the family.  Initially, I only looked as far as skin care - which baby bath, which soap - the obvious things.  Then a friend, whose family suffer similarly to my own, suggested I change my washing detergent.

And that's what I've been doing for the past 18+ months.  With limited success, until now.

This stuff smells so good it is my new perfume:
Eau de Biozet Attack Ecosmart

Firstly, allow me to wow you with a couple of technical type product facts:

Biozet Attack Ecosmart is environmentally conscious.  So you get the karma feel-good associated with using a product designed for minimal environmental impact

It’s grey water suitable, and works in both hot and cold water.

This stuff is super ultra extra concentrate.  Yeah, yeah, I know - which product doesn't claim to be concentrate?  Just 19ml per wash makes this the most concentrated liquid detergent on the market in Australia.  One itty-bitty capful.  My shopping and vodka kiddy supplies budget is most grateful for this.

And now for the verdict from my fussy and perpetually grotty family:

#1 Hubby is totally precious about his clothes (in the same way the person who doesn't have to do the washing always is).  Biozet Attack Ecosmart has received his endorsement.  He is 100% impressed at the shiny clean clothing, and also at the shiny happy wife (that's me), because I haven't had to re-wash anything and add to my preferred 3.64% of effort towards housework and cleaning.

His usual contribution to my big monthly shopping list is beer, cheese, salami, and chips.  He has actually written Biozet on the list.  For real.  Colour me gobsmacked, as I take that as his pledge to assist with the washing if I buy this product.

Spaghetti bolognese - came out first time.  But, in fairness to me, it was a killer batch and so the kids didn't really smear much of it on their person to get rid of it, opting instead to actually consume most of it.

I even gave a sample to #1 brother next door to try out.  He's a tradesman, so has those musty, crusty dark coloured stainy type tradesmen clothes.  They virtually remove themselves from his body and walk to the washing machine on their own.  He, like #1 Hubby, is a complete princess when it comes to his washing.

Being a confirmed bachelor, he's responsible for his own washing.  That's right ladies....a man who can handle a drill AND a washing machine.  There was a degree of grumbling when I handed it over to him.  He is a creature of habit, so it was after some bribery involving my home made pasties, that he agreed to try it.  The fact that he didn't hand it back to me 2 days later mumbling "this is shit" is a glowing endorsement.

The Grand Finale:

In conclusion, we are one very shiny, clean, impressively whiter than white and brighter than bright family.  Wonder if Biozet can make a behavior modifying detergent next?  Then we will be totally respectable!

There have been no code-red skin irritation situations since I started using this product.

I am not doing 3 - 4 loads of re-washing each week.

I am, instead, spending that extra time sniffing our clothing.

Yep, you read right.  Sniffing.

This stuff smells that good.

The twins have seen me with my nose shoved in my top so many times, sniffing the lovely clean perfumed scent of the washing detergent, that they now walk around with their T shirts over their noses, cracking up laughing.

Biozet Attack Ecosmart : 1        Me : 0  (as in zero re-washing)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Vote 1 : Parental Parody

Dear People

I'm touting for assistance from...people.  Lucky for me, you lovely people are....people.

See that - I'm in the running for that specky award.
Makes me a wee bit tingly just having a badge to say that I'm a nominee.

Now share the tingliness and CLICK HERE to vote

I'm also up for the Best Australian Blog 2011, but that one is voted by judges and I'm sure they won't accept my offspring as viable bribery.  And I'm sure there's another nominee who's already tried that one. 

I have three fabulous children up for grabs (you'll just have to ignore all previous blog posts which may lead you to believe that is a slight fib / exaggeration / bare faced lie / delusional opinion only a mother could have).

They could be yours for the very small price of - one vote.  That's right, one little click of your mouse and - depending on your internet speed - a minute of your time.

Or - if you've been following along and reading about my lovely kids - I can promise not to give them to you or bequeath them to you in my last will and testament - for the same price of one vote.

Why should you take that one minute of finger extending exercise to click a vote for little old me?

Well, I'm glad you asked.  Imagine heart wrenching violin music in your head, and read on...

The last time I won something, it was the Most Improved Award for social netball in 1990.  Seriously.  And we all know that the "Most Improved Award" is a crock of shit, that they give the poor bastard who keeps trying even though they are utterly crap at their chosen sport.

To be fair, I wasn't utterly crap at Netball, I just refused to play any position other than Goal Shooter (because I had such a teeny tiny area to cover, that I never had to put in that much effort running around).  And I did have great aim...only I was vertically challenged and spent most of my time aiming at bra-level of my opponent towering over me.

Nevertheless - that trophy still sits on the good dresser - come - mismatched wanky wine glass holder - come - dust collector at my parents' house.  They hang their car keys on the extended arm of the player on the trophy.  Token of their ongoing pride I expect....

If you don't do it for me - then I beg of you - think of the elderly....give them something other than a poxy try hard netball wannabe trophy from 1990 to show off with pride.

So, once again for good measure : I beg of you good people....please, tell your people, and get them to speak to their people, and all the other people, and have their people contact the other people....and eventually that will equate to lots of people....people who don't mind taking 1 minute to click the following link and vote for little old   virtually infantile    young 25ish me.

Look on the bright side - you can only vote once.  Which means, I won't be asking you to risk RSI for my sake, by click-click-clicking your days away until voting closes.

Again...People of Earth (and wherever else gets Wifi so you can vote):

CLICK HERE to Vote 1 : Parental Parody

I bow down to thank you in advance for your assistance.  And you know how much I bitch and moan about doing anything that may resemble a stomach crunch or ab exercise.  Scared shitless my Mummy Tummy will touch the ground and I'll trip over it.  So it's worth a vote for that token of my appreciation alone.

PS : Sorry for the future 'casual mentions' of this request that will follow almost daily until voting closes Thursday 5th May at 5pm (EST)....

PPS : Sorry for calling you elderly Mum.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A day in the life of Me

Last week, I was guilty of distracted parenting.  To the utmost extreme.  I say 'last week' in the sense of 'every day'.

Here's what happened one day last week while I was blindly, deftly, and deafly typing away :

0830 : Realise Miss5 is due at rush to slap together a polony and sauce sandwich and chop up some healthy fruit and veg.

0840 : Pull together knotted mass of ponytail that has Miss5 looking like a recent Botox recipient.

0845 : Arrive at school as final siren rings.  YES!  Feel like I won a race.  I'm going to say a Marathon - even though it's been only 15 minutes since I glanced at the clock on my laptop and flew into a mad panic.

0850 : Arrive home.  Stand in doorway a bit puffed from the previous 20 minutes of effort.  Enjoy serenity and silence.

0900 : Twin tornado rise.  End of serenity and silence.

0915 : Twins eating breakfast of Miss5's leftover Vegemite toast crusts (she is deathly allergic to crusts...maybe she is channelling her Miss25 future self, knowing full well that her straight-haired self will covet curly hair when she gets older so she is paying attention to that old chestnut if you don't eat your crusts your hair will go curly).

0940 : While increasing my mental capacity (learning how to do buttons on my blog), I hear the familiar sound of the cat biscuits box being rattled.

0941  : Followed by the sound of the entire box being dumped on the kitchen floor.

0942  : Followed by evil and joyous cackles of delight from the twin tornado.  It's lovely when they play together...

1030 : Summons up the courage to go in and investigate.  But mostly because I just heard the same sounds again, and I thought we only had 1 box of cat biscuits left?

1031 : Find twins repeatedly pouring cat biscuits over the kitchen floor, then using plastic teaspoons to put them all back.  INDIVIDUALLY.  ONE. BISCUIT. AT. A. TIME.  I'm's keeping them busy, and Miss2's mouth is only bulging slightly, therefore she can't have consumed too many as yet.

1215 : Time flies when you're having fun.  God bless the cat biscuit.  Except, now I can smell nail polish.  Strange.  Immediate investigation.  Find twins outside sitting on table covered in full bodypaint of nail polish.  Speaks volumes about them that Miss2 went for Army Brown, and Mstr2 went for Lolly Pink.

1240 : TWO BOTTLES of nail polish remover later, and all evidence of distracted parenting fail on the nail polish front has been dissolved, literally.  Mental note to self that it's time I painted my toenails again, in lieu of the time and $$ for a self-indulgent pedicure (fake it if you can't make it).

1305 : Find twins in closed pantry, bottle of kiddy vitamins each in hand, munching away.  They have hidden in there because they believe they are eating lollies.  Half tempted to shut the door and leave them there for the next 55 minutes until bath time.  At least they're getting a whole YEAR'S WORTH of multivitamin goodness in that time.

1340 : Twins run in with multivitamins again.  Clearly, my discipline style leaves a lot to be desired (or feared, or noticed).  On returning multivitamins to higher ground in the kitchen, I find the cheese out.  An entire 1Kg block, minus around 150 grams that had been neatly sliced off earlier in the day - only now it's no longer neat and symmetrical, now it has rat-like toddler teeth marks in one corner.  I NEED SYMMETRY.  Not to mention the fact that it is sitting on the filthy kitchen floor.  Or the fact that it is a 33 degree day, and as a result it's starting to shine on the outside.  Cheese in the bin.  Beady eyes of twins watching my every move.  Bin bag put outside in large twin-proof wheely bin, just to be safe.

1400 : Last nerve causing nervous twitch to left eye.  Spent last 5 minutes heavy breathing and watching oven clock for bath time, which precedes mammoth nap time.  Which is followed by the return from work of #1 Hubby - and therefore - signifies the end of my solo parenting for yet another day (scoff, scoff - end of solo parenting...I still optimistically think that, even though I know I am competing with the television and cable and multiple sports channels).

1430 : Slip on tidal wave outside bath.  Twins crack up at my slapstick routine.  I mutter evil things about them.

1440 : Quick shoving of stuff everywhere stuff can go.

1450 : Waiting outside school for Miss5 (pat on back for remembering today).  Time to think while waiting in the car.  Cursing cost of daycare x 2 toddlers + before and after school care x Miss5.  Otherwise I'd be at work, sipping a flat white, typing away on a keyboard blissfully - while a well paid Cleaning Fairy slips into my house / bomb site and makes it pretty and shiny and sparkly.  At least twice a week.

1500 : Miss5 comes home, sporting some fetching stainage on her school uniform. Again.  Expect it to be resistant to all forms of stain removal.  Again.

1530 : Praising self for Miss5's television prowess.  As she deftly flicks between Foxtel cable,  ABC,  DVD player and VCR - I sit here typing this.  Counting down until wine o'clock.  Or, perhaps, Mojito o'clock today.

I know, you are all feeling my exhaustion and frustration (and not at all judging my poor parenting skills and distracted parenting method).  This is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of my life.  Except the days I go hang out at the MacDonald's playground, toting my own healthy food to torture the twins  with while they watch other luckier kids enjoy nuggets and chips.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Versatile Blogger

Umm...oh gee, gosh (glance down to cleavage to make sure it's covered appropriately....way, way, way down to where it now sits in its deflated and defeated post-babies position).

It's such an honour to accept this award on behalf of me, #1 Hubby and his constant bitching about the time I spend writing this blog, Miss5 who thinks it's all about her - because everything is when you're 5 going on 25, and the feral twosome for no other reason than a good Mother wouldn't leave any of her kids out.

I'll try not to go all Gwyneth on you and ball inconsolably like a freaking irritating girly girl.

Quick flappy hands at my eyes to try and ward off the tears.

And, you know, whatever else the big name celeb's do while standing on stage accepting an award.

Be thankful I didn't channel Britney or Kanye West and go postal and ranty on you.  Although, as I sit slumped in my seat, my muffin top is showing shades of Britters when she made her big comeback and everyone bagged her sloppy figure at the MTV awards (sidebar : Britney...stand next to me and you will look like the waify younger sister in the Simpson clan - the Ashley to my Jess).

I am the lucky recipient of a bloggy style award.  Voted by my peers....ok, well, voted by one peer - Tenetia from Whimsy and Whirl.  As a result of this, she is officially one of the smartest, most intelligent people in the universe.  Her opinion is next to God or Buddha or Vodka or whoever/whatever you worship.

In all seriousness, I find this award to be like the bloggy version of a chain letter - but in a good way.  It gives you the chance to promote to your own readers the blogs you enjoy, and pass the love on down the line to those people.

Because we all work hard on our sites, and it's nice to be complimented by a fellow blogger.  Actually I'll lap up a compliment from anyone.  Even the freaky dude at the local shopping centre who has semi-chatted me up on more than one occasion, when he's not busy conversing with himself.

So just a quick thanks to Tenitia from Whimsy and Whirl.  If you haven't seen her site, have a look.  It's funny, it's sweet, and it is full of cute tutu type stuff for anyone with little girls.  Or boys (yes Mstr2, I'm looking at you prancing around my house in plastic dress-up heels and enormous white bowler hat).  You can read her blog, or visit her site and get your own Miss (or Mstr) a gorgeous tutu or two....tu?

On to the next step in passing on this award.

Seven things about me that you wouldn't know....hmm...I'm not exactly 'deep' so here's hoping I can find a whole seven things...

1.  I was once so obsessed with Aussie Rules football that I was on national TV.  I was 16 and at boarding school, covered head to toe in body paint of my team's colours.  Don't judge was an all girls school, so being obsessed with buff footy players was not only healthy, but to be expected.

2.  I was a slight pyromaniac as a child.  I even took up smoking at the ripe old age of 7 - not so I could smoke - but so I could hold fire.  Seriously.  I almost blew myself up in the family car because I was tooling around with the in-car cigarette lighter when I was about 8.  My Mum had gone inside for all of 3 minutes and this is how long it took me to decimate the interior of the car.

3.  I'm absolutely shit scared of the dark.  If I have to go to our back fridge at night (the liquor fridge...), I sprint.  The whole 20 metres (return trip).  I'm absolutely convinced a werewolf or an axe wielding maniac is on my tail the entire way.  And it has absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol from said fridge.  I also sprint to and from the loo if I have to go in the middle of the night.

4.  I double dip.  Religiously.  Don't ever share tapas or dip with me if this groses you out.

5.  Back in the day of 1 child, I lied about my little Miss being sick so I could go home from work.  While she was happily at Daycare.  So I could sleep for the day.

6.  I've never had wanky swanky bubbly.  I can't tell you how many hints I've dropped to my Mum about how much I'd like to try Moet...bitch never ever gets the hint and still insists on giving me industrial size rolls of cling wrap and tin foil for my be practical.

7.  I watch Nickelodeon even when the kids aren't here.  By choice.  Ok and out of laziness because I can't be buggered looking for the remote to change the channel.  Except now I've discovered Jersey Shore, so MTV is staging a comeback for my extensive viewing time.

And now, I pass the torch that is The Versatile Blogger award.

I'm meant to pass it on to 15 blogger's, but I'm going to cut it down to 5.  For no other reason than because I'm ultra super extra tired, and my short podgy fingers don't want to type anymore.

So, it is over to you.....

Now I am off to trash a room in my house in lieu of a hotel room.  Rock star style.  Oops...too late...the bloody kids have already done that to nearly every room for me....

Monday, April 11, 2011

Turning Fussy Eater's Fantastic

It's no secret that my kids are at their most deceptive, creative and downright frustrating when it comes to food.  I've written a few ranty blog posts about it :

Plus many random rambling type mentions in totally unrelated posts.

I think it was with much sympathy that the lovely Glowless from Where's My Glow?  took me along to the UWA Extensions seminar Mealtime tips and tricks - turning fussy into fantastic!

I admit, part of my joy and excitement was to be free of the family for a couple of hours, and also the ridiculous number of times I told people I was attending a seminar at UWA....leading them to believe I may have been a bona fide Uni student type....

I also admit that I went in a tad cocky.  I am famous ** for my ability to hide 359 different vegetables in any one meal.

(** Disclaimer : famous in my own family...and it's not so much famous as routine piss-taking of my obsession)

All of my kids have been brilliant eaters....until the age of 2ish, at which point they become all fussy on me.  As if they've lulled me into a false sense of security up to that point, and now they're going to let me have it with the food refusal, random liking and disliking of different food items on any given day, and creative hiding places (both on and off their person) for the offending food items they've deemed unworthy of their consumption.

Now that the twins have hit that bastard 2ish mark and decided to knock back previously loved meals, it was the perfect time for me to attend this seminar.

Here's some of my fave tips :

  • Instead of offering a fruit-loathing toddler an apple and having them say "no", offer then two different types of fruit so they have a choice to make, and they will have to pick one instead of simply saying "no".  This is my simplified version of their advice.

  • Stop eating rice crackers. Anything that has to be puffed up with air has lost all goodness in the process of creating the air-filled final product.  There's lots of techy type reasoning behind this.  But you're better off Googling the CSIRO's research than having me bugger it up with my translation.

  • Stop drinking decaff coffee.  That one was for me, not the kids (they're all for the caffeinated version).  Here I was thinking I was tot's healthy on the decaff front, but as it turns out, the process required to remove the caffeine cancels out any perceived health benefit from drinking decaff.  BRING ON THE ESPRESSO PEOPLE!!

  • Create a routine around meal times, the same way you do around bedtime.  It helps toddler's associate certain actions (washing hands, helping set the table, putting toys away - whatever fits your chosen routine pre-meals) with sitting down to eat lunch, dinner etc.

  • Don't chase your toddler around, trying to get them to eat.  It doesn't work.  It makes one helluva mess.  It creates cranky-pants.  It also makes me spill my wine.  Define set eating areas for your kids.

Mine sit at a little kiddy table in the kitchen on the tiled floor.  As far away from carpet, fabric, blinds and anything remotely stain-able.  My kitchen is also perfect because I can position their little table so that they can't really be distracted by everything else going on in the house.  Unfortunately Miss2 gives me the toddler version of a middle finger and just ignores me to go stalking off to terrorise her toys whenever she feels like it.  I may need to install a seat belt on her chair.

  • Have you ever noticed how toddlers are insanely hungry around 10am - 11am, and late arvo?  I normally give them a snack since it's not quite lunch or dinner time.  Wrong.  Feed them a healthy lunch or dinner if that's when they're most hungry, not a snack - because that's when they're most likely to eat a nutritious meal, not when you deem it to be the appropriate meal time and they've only recently had a snack.  Logical, right? 
  • Wine is the only side-dish for Mum & Dad's meals.  Okay I made that one up, but it is totally true. 

And there was lots more.  But on to other important stuff....

I sat next to the lurvely Glowless.  That just rocked my day regardless of anything else.  She was spectacularly spectacular, as you'd expect, and funny enough to make me giggle like a naughty school girl in the back row of the class - until she makde me cry-by-association with my involuntary teary eyedness.  That's the technical term for it.  But she did Glow.  That was the important point I wanted to make about Glowless - she does glow.  Fancy that?

I suffered a slight case of parental envy thanks to Rachel from Because I said so (which, by the way, is the universal answer to every question), who can get her kids to eat ANYTHING as long as it's laid out on the plate like a face.  Love this system.  Going to try it with my kids...and will possibly shape my own as Vin Diesel.

As always, Feli from My Life in Mono cracked me up, with talk of how her Lil Tiger growls at her when it's tucker time.  Love this.  I now expect a personal performance.  Or at the very least a You Tube clip.  It will wipe out that irritating "It's Friday"  song on the most watched clips.  Viral, I tell you.  Mark my words Lil Tiger!

Anywho, it's with some degree of surprise, that I tell you I found this seminar totally useful.  Me, the ultra-experienced **  mother with a whopping great 5 years of experience spanning 3 children.

**Note: I didn't say I was good, just experienced.

A big thank you to Glowless for the chance to attend.  I'm actually psyched to put some of the tips into practice, not just the ones relating to caffeine and wine.

Tonight I'm putting together a monster-faced (or Vin Diesel, in my case) platter of healthy options and letting the kids loose with kiddy-tongs to select their dinner.  Have given #1 Hubby the heads up to wear his indoor cricket cup to cover his blokey bits.

Fingers crossed he keeps his own meat and 2 veg safe (that reference is for you G lady), and the kids select the appropriate alternative from the dinner platter with their mini tongs.

If not, I shall be back here ranting and raving about it.
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