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Friday, January 27, 2012

FFS!? Friday : Scum of society ranty edition

'Sup yo.  Linking up again with my homey DearBabyG for FFS!? Friday.

In case you're wondering, I haven't let my inner 14yr old skater dude off his leash.  I'm just feeling a little like I live in the ghetto at the moment, and so I'm trying to set the mood for today's post accordingly, word.

Last Sunday I excelled on the parenting front for the second Sunday in a row. 

Second Sunday in a row people. 

Thank you, thank you, please keep the applause and cheering to a dull roar.
Even Super Nanny offered me a fist bump for my awesome parenting

In return for my unusual display of awesome parenting, the universe flipped me the bird. 

We got home from exercising and bonding with the kids, having spent a couple of hours at the pool with them, to find our kitchen window screen pushed in.

Dumbass, AKA #1Hubby, simply put it all back together, thinking nothing of it.  Thereby removing any viable fingerprint potential. FFS!?

To be fair, neither of us realised or even considered we could've been broken into.  And who could blame us.  We live in a retiree suburb, home of tight perms and sharply creased, kidney hugging beige slacks.  There is never a time when at least one neighbour on each side of the road isn't peering through their lace curtains, taking note of the comings and goings.

Except for last Sunday, when they were all too busy gardening and cleaning the tyres of their little sedans to notice our house being broken into, FFS!?

As it turns out, we disturbed the low life, who only had a chance to grab my mobile phone, and shut my laptop, but thankfully not take it, before jumping the back fence.
Totally at the top of my suspect list, since I seem to see this dude regularly.  Like every time I take the kids out for a nutritious meal.

My mobile phone.  Keeper of my everything.  Maintainer of my entire life schedule and functionality.  Taker of many "in the moment" family happy snaps.  Oh. Dear. God.  All those pics of The Feral Threesome, gone. FFS!?

All while #1Pop and #1Brother sat outside #1Brother's place in front of mine, facing the driveway and front entrance to my place.  FFS!?

To our surprise, the police sent out a Forensic officer, despite only a mobile phone being taken.  Cue #1Hubby's puppy dog eyes.

This is the guy who can watch Gisele parenting expert Bundchen strut the catwalk in a bikini, and comment with "I don't get what everyone sees in her?" - and mean it.  It is not just a ploy for sex.

The is the guy who can watch me come downstairs first thing in the morning, decidedly cave womanesque, and comment with "Good morning, gorgeous!" before slapping me on the rear.  Possibly a ploy for sex.

So while a supermodel doesn't garner his interest in the slightest, enter a blonde in baggy, navy blue drill cotton Police jumpsuit...and he's off with the fairies, following her around like a little boy. FFS!?

I couldn't get a word in, words required for insurance purposes.  Words required for my own peace of mind.  Because #1Hubby was gushing like a total twat, regaling the poor woman with tales of when he tried out for the police force and broke the physical training course record.  Something I have never verified (the breaking of the record), but I let him claim it for his manliness and blokey wellbeing.

As the Forensic goddess in blue finished up and left, sweating up a storm in the hellish Summer weather, puffing and panting her way down the driveway, I considered putting a leash on #1Hubby to stop him bounding after her.  FFS!?

I also wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't stand at the door and yap away at her as she drove off, straining to chase after her car. FFS!?

I also told him there wasn't a chance in hell of sex for a lengthy period of time.  Not until I could be certain he wouldn't be picturing the Forensic goddess in my place.  FFS!?

His protestations were few and far between, and pitifully half-hearted. FFS!?

Thanks to my mobile phone being stolen, I've been relegated to an archaic old spare that we had in the freaking toy room (yes, so old the kids have been sucking on it when not phoning Elmo). FFS!?

When not strutting around like a homey living in the hood, I have been taking solace from one single fact....

My beloved mobile phone was a mere 6 months old.  While it was not an iPhone, it was a Samsung Galaxy...which one could possibly mistake for an iPhone if they were in a panicked rush and grabbing for anything they could carry while pole vaulting over the back fence.
If you were quite likely strung out and jonesing for a fix, desperate to flee the scene of the crime, there is every chance you too could mistake the iPhone for the Samsung.
So, to the ass wipe who broke into my house : 

Get a job you low life tosser.  Earn your toys and substances of choice the way the rest of us do.  And good luck trying to get more than $40 for my not-an-iPhone, you moron.  May karma serve you up a nasty and recurring case of every STD known to man, plus a few itchy and incurable new ones not yet discovered.
My friend Justin also says heyyyy, and offered you the one finger salute

Now I'm off to negotiate early removal of the no-sex ban in return for a new mobile phone.  One with a camera and wifi capabilities, manufactured in the last decade, that weighs less than my coffee machine.  I'm not entirely sure it's worth it, between you and me.


  1. That sucks big time my friend. Sorry to hear about your ordeal - especially having to use the germ-infested old clunker of a phone. That's inhumane! Dazzle the hubby with a few sharp moves and I'm sure a brand new replacement will be yours in no time. May 1000 camel fleas infest jackarse burgler.

  2. That really sucks. I am quite paranoid about our house being broken into. Not so much because they will steal our stuff, because all our stuff is shit, but because of the complete invasion of privacy and someone being able to get into my house in the first place. I hope they find the lowlife asshole that stole your phone and put him in jail. Then I hope he's REALLY pretty with nice big pouty lips and long eyelashes. It's prison bitch time!

  3. I am still on the look out for the stolen mobile PP nudie pics gone viral on the interwebs, when I find them I will let you know.Seriously though that is pretty low :( 

     Soooo funny about gushing #1 hubby !! HB does the same but with air hosties, it's pathetic. 

  4. Boooo to that.
    what good comes from this active parenting, I ask??!!

  5. Precisely my point. Fear not, I shall never ever do it again - for the safety and wellbeing of my family.  We are much better off in front of the TV with endless Nickelodeon repeats, yes?

  6. Bahaha, that sounds awesome. May he have a suitably high pitched voice too.

    Also, all our stuff is utter crap too. The only good stuff was out on display and the idiot didn't have time to nab any of it. Of course I was mortified that someone had chosen to break in on one of the *few* days that I hadn't done the dishes or swept the floor....

  7. I have decided that I'm still too traumatised to bust out any special moves.  Will just have to see what the insurance company offers up before bothering to go to any effort.  They may be generous enough to allow me to forego breaking a sweat. Fingers crossed

  8. Just lay back and think of Queen and country...and an iPhone. It will be worth it.


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