Push it

So I’m obviously the only mother on the planet who had no clue about Push Presents?

J Lo got almost $3mil worth of diamonds.  Admittedly, she had twins, so that’s almost $1.5mil per child.

Note to #1Hubby : that’s $4.5mil you owe me for Miss6 and the twin tornado.

Do my fingers look fat in this?

Katie Holmes scored some Cartier bling for Suri.  I should clarify - that was for having Suri, not actually for Suri to wear.  Although, with what she gets around in, it is highly likely she has a matching bracelet of her own.  Jealous much?

Note to #1Hubby : while I would love me a bit of Cartier to wave around at the help (which is me, unless you count the twins’ fixation with the broom), I will settle for my lovely eternity ring.  So we’re square on this one.

Posh got a diamond ring with over 33 carats.  Not entirely sure how her waif-like self could lift that much bling?

Note to #1Hubby : I’m cool with my new Swarovski crystal ring, because people who don’t know me often mistake it for a pink Argyle diamond.  We just won’t tell them it’s not, ok?

My favourite celeb Push Present?  Helena Bonham-Carter scored BIKER BOOTS.  Maximum practicality, and she refers to them as her ‘baby shoes’.  Brings a whole new meaning to ‘kicking ass’, no?

Note to #1Hubby : I’ve had my eye on a pair of wedge sandals at Spendless Shoes for $39.95.  I can’t choose between black and nude, so I’ll grab both and we’ll call it even at $79.90, ok?

Or, you know, a comfy pair of Ugg Boots with a big fat diamond blinging on the side

Seriously…I’m not knocking it.  I’m just not sure any of these gifts were worthy or representative of the mega huge and fundamental thing that is giving birth?
                                                                                                                                        Having been a mother for all of 6 years now, and knowing what I do (so…everything), I've made a list of what I’d want for my Push Parcel.

Note that I said Parcel and not Present, because one gift is not enough for all that pushing and sweating and grunting and straining, am I right?

My Push Parcel

Nespresso 

Yeah I’ll shut up about the damn thing once I get one, I promise.  Seriously, with the sleep deprivation that comes with a baby and the 14 years after that until it becomes a teenager and flips an internal switch that sees it sleeping all the time to make up for the lack of sleep and early mornings the previous 14 years…nothing is more warranted than a decent coffee machine.

Fancy pants bubbly 

To be enjoyed all by myself when I’m able to get hammered once again, as a kind of Congratulations to me for a job well done.

Mojito's

Lifetime supply.  Endless.  Because I deserve it, and also because I'll experience many parenting-related occasions where I also need it for my own sanity.

Sexy but practical undies

Maternity-friendly and grandmaesque kidney-hugging undies, plus industrial Spanx style super-sucker undies.  All made sexy.  It’s inevitable that they’re all going to be required for some duration (possibly even 6 years later *ahem*), so why not make them nice and pretty and sexy and all that?

Cleaner 

Forever.  FOREVER.
FOREVER.

Sustenance 

Healthy, calorie controlled BUT TASTY home-delivered meals.  Take the pressure off me to provide healthy sustenance since I’ve just given birth.  Take the guilt off me for resorting to 2 minute noodles and McDonalds when I’m too shattered to cook.  I realise that asking for a Chef would be a bit far fetched (unless you are one of the Celeb’s mentioned above), so just a decent, good quality, tasty home-delivery service for the first month (or 9…or 90) would be great.

Pampering 

Take your child and look after it, bond with it.  Then let me have a facial, manicure, trip to the hairdresser – whatever makes me feel like a person and not a milk machine.  This is required quarterly.  Forever.  FOREVER.

Time out 

With my friends, or possibly you – if I like you enough when the time comes.  Without questioning or complaint.  You get to go to work 5 days a week, that is your escape.  Now allow me some down time too.  Fortnightly, in a perfect world.  Forever.  FOREVER.

Or a new house would do.  Something simple like this would be fine.  One for you and me, one for the kids, one for the Nanny, one for the Cleaner, one for the Chef, and one for visiting family and friends.