Behold! This is what you get for Valentine’s Day once
you have been cohabitating for 16 years, betrothed for the past 11 ½ of those
years.
![]() | |
It was with a totally innocent and dead-pan expression that #1Hubby advised me bikini clad Heineken promo girls were handing these out to anyone who bought two beers. MOFO JUNKET |
This is what you get after waddling around with the literal
weight of procreation for a total of 18 months, talented enough to do it with 2
of the little buggers weighing your girly bits down for half of that period of time.
This is what you get when you bite your tongue for the most
part while smiling as your husband heads off
on yet another junket work trip, and leaves you to kid
wrangle by yourself, knowing full well they will likely see your demise within
those few days.
This is what you get after your husband knowingly forgets
Valentine’s Day – which is actually okay and totally acceptable,
since you both acknowledge that you’ve:
a) run out of clever and romantic ideas after the first 3-5
Valentine’s Days together.
b) run out of energy on account of the kids sapping the very
life force from your being, therefore you CBF doing anything remotely romantic,
lest it lead to the obligatory corresponding requirement for putting out extra energy and exertion from your already
depleted supplies, later that night.
c) no money, no honey. If we’ve got a spare $5 we’re
not going to waste it on a sappy and overpriced Hallmark card that neither of
us really wants to add to our shit pile of cards that we know we should keep
but will never ever look at again in this lifetime. Instead, there is always a
bargain bin at a bottle shop somewhere, calling our name.
Sorry, went off on a tangent there. Where was I?
Ah yes, so this is what you get after your husband knowingly
forgets Valentine’s Day – and then decides that he really should’ve
got you something. Which he grabbed for free before parking his ass
in his Business Class seat to swill wine and be pampered by pretty young
hostesses, while you try and maintain your last shred of sanity as white line
fever hits and you keep hitting the refresh button on the airline’s flight
status updater – just in case his flight:
a) drops off the radar completely (in which case you book
into a hotel, adjoining rooms with the lock on your side, and order up a metric
gigalitre of vodka and a Nanny);
b) is delayed (in which case you still go to the airport at
the designated time, kids in pyjamas, and feed them whatever inappropriate and
over-priced crap you can find to shut them up while you pretend they don’t
belong to you and sit a metre away in the café sipping a flat white);
c) whoop it up in rapture if his flight is expected to land
5 or more minutes early.
HE SHOULDN’T HAVE.
I KNOW PEOPLE SAY THAT ALL THE TIME WHEN RECEIVING GIFTS.
BUT I REALLY TRULY MEAN IT.
REALLY.
Take note, those of you who haven’t cracked the
double-digits of wedded bliss just yet:
You may think Valentine’s Day is all about being loved
up and cute and nauseating, but eventually it
turns cunning and sarcastic and smart ass.
It truly is a magical time worth holding out for.
I am eagerly plotting and planning what to get him for next
Valentine’s Day. Currently, I’m tossing up between:
a) tampons
b) a twin-pack of hair re-growth (for his chrome dome) and
hair removal (for his chest…or other)
c) a subscription to the Justin Bieber Fan Club, complete
with quarterly magazine and talking/singing welcome card
d) a 6 month ad in the Bi/Gay/Curious/Tranny section of the
Personals
Bwahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteBahahahahaha - I got nothing and I think I did better than you! :-P I bought the husband a new book. It's titled 'S is for Stupid'.
ReplyDeleteLove love love!!
ReplyDeleteI fucking LOVE you! Get him the tampons please xx
ReplyDeleteOh Gosh that is priceless....can't wait to hear what you decide to get him :)
ReplyDeleteNext time #1 Hubby is asleep I want you to hire a mobile tatoo artist to come to your house and tatoo this onto #1 Hubby's arm/hand or where ever he will see it all the time - A HAPPY WIFE IS A HAPPY LIFE. Once he has the concept, all you will have to do it instruct him in specifically what that equals. Such as, no green hats, but plenty of babysitting, expensive coffee makers, etc.
ReplyDeleteExcellent idea. He is a bit of a girly man, and has shied away from tattoo's in the past. Doing it while he sleeps (and is strapped down) is genius.
ReplyDeleteSo far tampons are the hot favourite. I assumed it would be the personals ad. Myeh.
ReplyDeleteDone deal. Super size, budget ones at that xx
ReplyDeleteCan I get the sequel - D is for Dead man walking?
ReplyDelete