To those of you still basking in the glow of your Valentines
loving…bugger off.
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Complete with just a hint of a muffin top. Or muffin back. |
Here’s what happened on my Valentine’s Day:
Awoke just after 5am to Miss3 gently pummelling me in the
face with her plastic shoe. The one I got from the dusty and dirty floor of a Vietnamese market
after waiting for a family of small children to try it on. The one that
recently walked through her brother’s crap, and while extensively
cleaned, I can confirm it still smells rather suspicious.
Certainly not the aroma of a Valentines bouquet, FFS!?
Got up. Got #1Hubby a real coffee, not an instant one. Even made him breakfast. I am nothing if not super romantic.
Oh okay, I threw an LCM at him that the kids had missed.
Waited sufficient amount of time before sarcastically
wishing him a Happy Valentines Day.
Waited more than enough time for him to panic, apologise, and
hand me the credit card because it was now 7am and he had dared to forget to
shower me with Valentines wishes thus far.
Still waiting for that to happen, FFS!?
He did iron my shirt though. But I think it was more a
stalling tactic to avoid scraping cereal and yoghurt off Mstr3, who treats it
as body paint every freaking day, FFS!?
Farewell #1 Hubby with a bit more effort than normal, since
he was heading off to Sydney
for a few days on a junket work trip.
Take Miss6 to school.
Take twins to daycare.
Return to school with miss6’s water bottle and library
bag.
Return home to empty the potty, FFS!?
TMI, right? But still, FFS!?
Go to work and spend an acceptable portion of my day working
rather than trawling Facebook to seethe over the pics of impressive bouquet’s
and loved up status updates of others.
Watch as multiple impressive bouquet's are delivered to what must be every other female and a few males in the building, FFS!?
Boss offers me the newspaper so I can check to see if #1
Hubby left me a message in “The Book of Love”. Nearly fall
off chair as I choke and snort (in a totally refined and ladylike fashion) at
such a suggestion.
Regain my composure and assume he was being sarcastic. He is older and wiser
and has been married for longer than I. He knows the deal.
Turns out, the deal is to religiously buy your wife her
favourite lingerie and take her out to dinner for Valentines Day, different
restaurant each year, all his doing, no prompting required, FFS!?
I can only imagine what she has to do in return for such tip
top husbandry.
Finish work, round up the kids, trudge to shops to purchase
dinner. Highlight of my day : Sara Lee ice cream is half price.
Hello dinner!
Feed kids nutritious dinner while I count down the very
seconds until they are in bed and I can bust out my frozen dinner of sorts.
As I finally crack open the FIRST tub, #1 Hubby calls.
Not to wish me a Happy Valentines Day, or check if I’ve
found the present he’s hidden for me, or advise that he has called to
chase up the delivery of my impressive bouquet, FFS!?
He’s calling to detail the fancy pants restaurant meal
he’s enjoying. A meal we couldn’t afford. And let’s be honest, I’m not sure I’d be
prepared to be the kind of wife who warrants such a fancy meal. No
energy. Must sleep. Dreams of breaking an appreciative Wentworth
Miller out of Prison Break to be had. Priorities.
Get rid of #1 Hubby only when his corn fed, farm bred, rain
forest alliance certified, hand reared, genetically unmodified yet smugly superior
prime steak and mixed seafood arrives, FFS!?
Secretly wish him a previously undiscovered seafood allergy.
Feast on far too much Sara Lee ice cream by the mood
lighting provided by my laptop, while watching NCIS.
It is a romantic idyllic life that I lead, no?
Whine a bit on Facebook and Twitter.
Glowless provides me with an excellent suggestion on how to
top off my night…via text message. Such was the nature of her
suggestion. I love her for that. Counting it as my one and only
Valentine, FFS!?
Just as I’m about to go to sleep, #1 Hubby calls again.
Not to wish me goodnight, his sweet Valentine and all that soppy crap.
Instead, to advise me of all the Foxtel sports channels he gets in his hotel room,
and how he’s planned out his next few nights of TV viewing, kicking back
on the enormous soft bed in his hotel room, FFS!?
I give him a 2 finger salute from my end of things, regretting the lack of video chat for the first time ever, and hang
up while he is still rabbiting on about the effing cable TV channels, FFS!?
But it’s okay, because it turns out he did get me
something for Valentine’s Day after all. It’s called an extra 5 nights
in Bali after Christmas while, as yet
unbeknown to him, he brings the twins home on his own and leaves me with only
Miss6 to wrangle between cocktails. Again. He is so thoughtful like that.
Sounds like your husband and mine were channelling the same thought patters that day...enjoy your extra days in Bali! I hear it's lovely - the hubster went there for 10 days last year with 3 mates to a fully staffed villa while I stayed home with Miss 3 (who was, then, Miss 2). Yeah. And then he came home and said it was soooooo good, I should totally go. But, with him and Miss 3. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteLove it. This made me laugh so hard I worried I woke up the baby.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to say because this will be me next week. Back to my vodka ice lounge obsession, apparently there are photo booths so we can give HB and #1 Hubby a fine 1 finger salute whilst sipping our cocktails and all snug in snowsuits.
ReplyDeleteOh bummer - hope he enjoyed his yummy meal! We never ever do valentines day, yet hubby wakes me up with a coffee, a gorgeous card and Vanilla Chocolate Chip cookies - then comes home with afternooon tea...and I didnt do anything - feel bad (and wondering why he was so nice!)
ReplyDeleteYour extra five nights in Bali sounds so amazing :)
I would live in Bali if I could. I know a fab Nanny, you should totally call his bluff and go! Did I mention that the Nanny is capable of looking after the man-child as well as the actual child?
ReplyDeleteMy sincere and humble apologies to the baby. So glad you could laugh at my Valentine's Fail. Just wait until Monday's post when I show what hubby bought me back from Sydney. Oh. My. God. Send the baby at least one block away.
ReplyDeleteGiddyup! At least HB is on Twitter so we can inflict the pic's on him instantly. I should get #1Hubby on there too.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is he wanted something. Be alert, keep your guard up. And most definitely watch your back. That's a lot of effort for a husband without any obvious pay off.
ReplyDeleteAnd my extra nights in Bali will be bliss. He bought the twins home early last Christmas tht we spent over that, so I'm confident he'll do it again. But just to be sure, I won't bother telling him until the tickets are booked and it's too late to change, heh.