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Friday, March 16, 2012

FFS!? Friday : Shit happens in 3's

Linking up once again with DearBabyG for my extensive weekly whine.  Seriously, you have no idea how hard it is to hold back on the whine factor for this one single post each week.  It takes quite a bit of wine to control the whine.

And so moving on very quickly from that pathetic attempt at a play on words, I give you the top three things that have had me face-palming and muttering FFS!? this week....

YES!  Just...yes.
Insurance Companies

I could leave it at that, because everyone knows how useless and shit they are, right?

I have been without mobile phone for almost 2 months.

Thank you for your concern, it was indeed an awfully traumatic time, and I did regularly find myself absently swiping my palm in lieu of a mobile phone screen.

They have finally paid up. I have a nice, shiny, brand new Samsung Galaxy SII and I am in lurve.  I may take it to bed with me.  But not like that, yo.

Of course I'll have no clue how to use it after TWO. MONTHS.  I may require extensive retraining on the ways of modern technology, FFS!?

Total first world whine, but nonetheless - FFS!?

My car

Ye olde Holden Commodore Station Wagon, AKA not a mini van.  I fear she is near the end.  Yesterday afternoon she deposited me safely into the sweetest parking spot right outside the school gate.  And there she stayed for 2 1/2 hours, FFS!?

Cue #1Hubby brushing off my requests for a new battery, so he could tool around under the bonnet for 20 minutes, pretending he knows shit about shit when he doesn't actually know shit.

Cue TWO FREAKING HOURS of trying to keep the over-tired, over-heated, and over-it Feral Threesome's whining tantrums to a dull roar.  In a now silent school, deserted except for the teachers attempting to get some school work done in child-free blissful silence.  Except for my kids, two of whom were yelling various swear words across the entire playground at each other.

I hoped and preyed the teachers did not understand toddler dodgy pronunciation.

Then I remembered I was standing in a school yard.  Surrounded by Early Childhood classrooms.

Who other than a mother is going to be more qualified and likely to understand exactly what they were saying, if not an Early Childhood teacher? FFS!?

And so now I'm suffering from multiple mortification:

  • I drive the dodgy old feral mobile that broke down outside the school gate.
  • I am the dodgy old feral parent whose 3yr old twins swear like troopers.
  • I had no make up on and wild woman hair, as I hadn't expected to be making small talk with various teachers while elbowing my swearing toddlers, for TWO FREAKING HOURS.
  • I really needed a wee, and so I went in the kiddy toilets attached to the classroom.  Without checking and realising that the doors were toddler sized, and therefore I was quite likely largely visible in the enormous mirror opposite the toilets.  Not my Britney Bits, thank the Vodka Gods - but it was quite obvious that I'd snuck into the kiddy loo - and as I finished my poorly attempted covert wee, I noticed the adult loo right next door.  So now I'm the freak who chose to use a kiddy loo for no apparent reason.  I'm sure there are flags being placed on our family file at the school as I type this, FFS!?

Room Service : Over-priced and over-rated, but damn it's good to have someone serve you in bed

#1 Hubby's Junkets

It is so freaking unfair that he gets to escape The Feral Threesome regularly.  Yes, sure, it's work.  But he is responsible for 50% of their feralocity, so it's only fair that he should be subject to 50% of it, right?

This week he was away from the wee early hours of Monday, until after the kids went to bed on Wednesday.  Next week, same thing.

The resulting impact on me is vast and serious and requires immediate rectifying:

  • I didn't have time for any wine or vodka.  Seriously shocking.
  • I didn't have time to eat much, but do you think my tuck shop arm wingspan has reduced even slightly?  Hells no. FFS!?
  • I missed all my important TV shows. Now I have no idea where the smarmy little wanker has gone from My Kitchen Rules?  He made me feel superior and now he's gone, and so I have to revert back to feeling superior and kinder than...nobody.  FFS!?
  • I didn't sleep well.  Not because I missed #1Hubby, because I was consumed with thoughts of the comfortable plush hotel room, clean sheets on the bed, restaurant and room service meals, and uninterrupted TV viewing that he was enjoying while I struggled to maintain any degree of authority and order back home at Parental Parody Palace.  FFS!?

It is completely appropriate that the Twin Tornado have started turning on me this week, pointing and gleefully shouting


Damn straight you gorgeous little mini-bastards, damn straight. FFS!?


  1. we are kindred spirits.

    Awesome despite it all.  Pass the wine.

  2. You know the car never breaks down when you are looking good, have snacks, etc. last time ours broke down I had my boss in the a multi level car park and no one could get out past me...toot toot....oh yeah and it was Immy's third birthday, so I missed my own daughters birthday cake waiting for the mechanic.

    Having a shit car sucks. I know!

  3. Smarmy bastard from MKR had a total melt down and almost started crying when his dish wouldn't work. It would have been hilarious but he was so gutted that it was actually just sad and pathetic.

    You are still kinder than me, that is your one grace. But I can cook better than you, so you better be hoping I don't get nice all of a sudden, or that's it.

  4.  Indeed. I like to think my ability to rationalise the consumption of wine in order to make any occasion better (regardless of location : school, or time of day : 3pm) is one of my  greatest character strengths. Will we be clinking glasses as DPCon12?

  5. win on the lousiest time for a car to break down.  I would've totally canned the birthday celebrations until I could be there.  Because even my child's birthday party is all about me, heh.

  6.  See I wouldn't have even said kinder.  The cooking thing is a given (on a related note, you must go to Gloria Jeans and try the Salted Caramel Macaroon so that you can make it even more glowing and awesome and I can eat them for less than $2.50 a bite, yes?).  So I'm going to take this as a win, and try not to focus on the fact that I missed an awesome opportunity to relish the smarmy bastard's meltdown.  I wonder if they'll replay it just for me?

  7. we have a  car that is on its last legs :(
    How nice would room service be, even if it is for work....
    too funny about the kids toilet and swearing...maybe the teachers never even heard your kids?? maybe at the end of the day there were too zoned out to notice!!
    Hope your week ahead is better!

  8. Had to laugh at the Commodore rant! We were going to buy one, they are HBs all time fav car until my Dad kindly talked us into to buying his 2nd hand Volvo. But then again VB is HBs fav beer so a Commodore would suit him well :P Bloody tired of the non-stop junkets also, this is why we will have fun in Melbourne.


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