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Friday, March 23, 2012

FFS!? Friday : The Tooth Fairy

Linking up again with Wife Of Awesome, DearBabyG, for my weekly whine.

Miss6 has had one lone wobbly tooth for at least a month.  She has been obsessed with it.  Every day she asks me, "When is it going to come out, Mummy?" 

Every. Single. Day. FFS!?

My answers have included the following:
  • Soon
  • Next month
  • In a few days
  • After Easter
  • When I tell it to
  • After you eat your broccoli
  • Never
  • Ask your father

None of which have adequately answered the question, because she keeps asking. At least once a day. FFS!?

Finally, it happened.

Monday night she was beside herself.  The event which she had been waiting for suddenly scared the living crap out of her.  She refused to believe that it would be okay, that there would not be a bloody gaping hole in her face forever, and that it was completely normal for teeth to fall out.

Sure, sure, better parents than I so, pretty much everyone would've known the correct way to handle it, and probably have a Tooth Fairy related book to read to their child to make it all airy-fairy and happy again.

I did not.

What I had was a pair of sick twins, an ailing self, Not a Mini Van on its death bed and seriously threatening our Bali funds, an absent #1Hubby who was kicked back in a hotel room watching TV and eating room service (MOFO JUNKETS), and a shitload of work to do. FFS!?

So I sympathised for all of 20 seconds before telling her to man up, and referring to her beloved best buddy Aaliyah, who has miraculously survived the loss of her first couple of teeth without incident.

All good.

Patted myself on the back for such stellar parenting.

The following morning Miss6 came bursting into my room at the ungodly hour of 7am.

She's all dramatic tears and high pitched voice, holding a tissue to her mouth.

The tooth, it has left the building, so to speak.

I congratulate her, the twins yell a supportive and enthusiastic "BULLSHIT!" and I ask to see the tooth.


It fell out while she was asleep, and when she awoke it was gone.

Holy. Mother. Of. Vodka.


I am envisaging sifting through her shit (sadly, not a metaphor) in order to find the tiny tooth that she has obviously swallowed in her sleep. 

So that we can keep it in an album or a ceramic trinket box or something, never to be thought of or viewed again. FFS!?

Then I stress about what to do if she craps at school?  The tooth will be gone forever.  FFS!?

What didn't occur to me, is to write it off, forget about it, and just save the next tooth to fall out and call it the first one.

I was too preoccupied with shovelling shit (again, not a metaphor) to think logically.

Anyway long story slightly less long, I found the tooth.  On the floor of her bedroom.

Thank the Vodka Gods for dodging that bullet.  Shudder.

One down, 19 to go


  1. If you lose the next one, that is why we have tooth fairies!  Tell her the tooth fairy took it and plant a dollar somewhere where she will find it.

    I had to Google FFS.  I am guessing you are not using the Fast File System.

    Cranky Old Man 

  2. Yeh it's when I realised how many more of them are yet to fall out that I fell in a heap. The first two have been hysteria-inducing. For her, too.

  3. Hehe. My eldest swallowed her first tooth. She was hysterical because there was so much blood and she had nothing to show for it. I told her it was ok, that they had another tooth fairy on standby for the 'special jobs' and she would still get her gold coin.

  4. I am not looking forward to this joyful part of childhood. I did not enjoy any of my teeth coming out. I guess that's why the tooth fairy is there... I'm off to find a suitable tooth fairy book.

  5. Oh she's so gorgeous! Miss 6 and Maggie are almost on the same countdown but we have 18 to poke through ffs. #1 Hubby is away again ?!? these junkets have knobs on it. Except when we are on our own junkets next week of course. 5 more sleeps my friend

  6. Did you ever read The NDM? You remind me so much of her. Google Not Drowning, Mothering. She was DA BOMB x

  7.  Excellent suggestion!
    And yes... it is definitely not Fast File System - that can be the PG rated definition.

    For *something that rhymes with trucks* Sake.  I say it a lot, but I'm such a lady on the interwebz that I dare not type it. Ahem.

  8.  Have heard of her.  Must go Google her.  I am so coming at you like a hyperactive spider monkey next week.  Be warned.  Brace yourself.

  9. I'm all for more blogging conferences.  Even if they are self-organised, self-funded, and totally unendorsed.  The men folk don't need to know that level of detail, right?  I think there should be a monthly blogging conference at whichever venue in each state serves the cheapest booze.

  10.  Do let me know if you find a good one. I don't think I've ruined this child just yet, so I can always try and improve when the next tooth vacates the premises.

  11.  Fingers crossed I never ever have to be the "special jobs" tooth fairy.  She's stoked to have received $2 to spend on cheap crap lip gloss that she will eat rather than wear.

  12.  I'm proud I stuck to the usual $2 going rate, rather than giving her a note for her first tooth - this kid will demand the same for every other tooth, and before I know it my wine fund will be non existent.

  13. I'm not at the tooth falling out stage yet but it sounds like a riot. Vividly portrayed as always, PP.

  14.  Thank you so much. Loved your last post. Nutella consumption does not require justification or covertness (my word).  Be proud, own it. Maybe via a smear on the chin as you claim it was not you ;-)

  15. My 5yo daughter is also obsessed with the Toof Fairy and *WHEN* will she VISIT?? But the Toof Fairy only just let her brother go, at nearly age 12 toward the end of last year. I held out on crushing his innocence. I forwarded him the Tooth Fairy's 
    Dear John letter in very, very, tiny writing and their relationship is now over.

  16. Oh MY Gosh - i so could not deal with having to look for it :) Even though I am an aged care nurse I couldnt think of dealing with all that!!

    Our first son lost his first tooth while brushing his teeth one morning. Luckily hubby was home at that moment so he pulled the sink apart and found it in the s-bend.

    So glad you found her tooth!!!


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