I’m in the midst of a black hole of crap parenting.
Here’s hoping I find my way out soon. At least before The Feral
Threesome are old enough to emancipate themselves.
Ways in which I have failed my offspring of late:
Miss6
Commenced Year 1, commenced homework. I sporadically
remember to ensure she does her reading. I did not read any of the
homework instructions, and 4 weeks in to the school year and my child is now 4
weeks behind in her WRITTEN homework, but doing super great at reading.
My bad.
Rather than exposing my shit parenting, I lied to her
teacher. I lied and said I’d simply forgotten to bring the homework
book in. To which she replied with “you mean both books?”.
Erm. Yes. Yes I do.
And so I high-tailed it out of class before I could be
further interrogated by a school teacher and exposed for the motherly fraud
that I am.
I’ve just spent the entire weekend trying to catch up
(her and me). I’ve begged, bribed, threatened, pleaded. All
because I was the crap parent who didn’t read the enormous volume of
school notes properly. Or, you know, at all.
Why yes, I am that shit mother who doesn’t appear to take an interest in her child’s
education – which is in fact totally false, because I am totally
committed to her education, I just forgot to read anything that came home from school
over the past 4 weeks.
Mstr3
He’s unco-ordinated by design. It’s in his
genes. When he runs, his feet flick out at the sides. It is hilarious,
and only topped on the visual comedy scale when he inevitably face-plants the
ground and launches into an outraged ranty tanty rave at the ground, for daring
to summons his face towards it. There is nothing funnier than a toddler screaming
at the ground in total and utter contempt, before feeling around for his newly
discovered boy bits (just to make sure they weren’t harmed), and stalking
off in disgust.
Why yes, I am that shit mother who takes great joy out of the
mishaps of her children, almost as much as their successes. Almost. It's a very close second.
Miss3
She’s already superior to me in every conceivable way,
so I feel that there’s not really anything I can do to help her personal
growth and development. In fact, I should probably just start sending the
other two to her when they need assistance, advice, parenting.
I put this
to the test yesterday by leaving her in charge. I sat back and watched
her bark at them if they dared go near the toy room, AKA her own personal toy
monopoly. I was highly entertained as she body slammed her siblings into
submission if they refused to eat sand after she demonstrated how it should be
done. I took note as she berated them with a menacing “BULLSHITTTTT!”
because she knows it’s a “shed word” and she’s not
meant to say it, and therefore without knowing the correct context in which it
is to be used, she simply lets rip with it whenever she feels the need for
attention. So, frequently.
Why yes, I am that shit mother who laughs at her swearing 3
year old, thinking “thank the vodka gods she is cute and can get away
with it”, rather than reprimanding her and teaching her better language. In
my defence, I do tell her she’s only to use “shed words”
around me and #1Pop, because he finds it equally as hilarious and endearing as I do.
If anyone out there wants to create a parenting manual or instructional video, I am available to be the "this is what you don't do" example of utterly shit parenting. For a small fee.
I find it hilarious when my 2 yo face plants..just like he finds it hilarious when anyone else does. I'm one of those crap parents who grabs the camera when their 2 yo gets a coat hanger stuck on their head and takes a picture before actually removing the coat hanger.
ReplyDeleteSo is there a shit mother club that we can all be a part of? Cause I never ever believed in Homework when our boys used to go to school, and when they fall over and hurt themself I laugh before asking if they are ok :)
ReplyDeleteYou really are a shit mother. But you certainly are not alone. Let me pour another G&T and tell you all about it....
ReplyDeleteI love your style!
ReplyDeleteThere should be. It would involve far too much wine and vodka and macaroon's ,while relying on anyone else to monitor our children. It only seems fitting.
ReplyDeleteI will save you a seat at the bar in Melbourne and we can compare crap parenting tales. I will regale you with mine, and you will reel in horror and make some of your own up just so I don't feel bad, yes?
ReplyDeleteLaughing too much to think of a decent comment to make!
ReplyDeleteSame. I am so shit it hurts. But at least it is comforting to know I can find my people by googling 'I am a shit parent'. Some say our mere admission of shitness is what actually makes us not shit. Unlike the wild Bogans who don't recognize what they do is shit.
ReplyDeleteI hae to admit, when I got the email to say that "Anonymous" had commented on an old post of mine entitled "Why yes, I am that shit mother.." - I was expecting some seriously negative feedback. So thrilled to see your comment instead! I like to think that, what distinguishes me from the bogans, is the fact that I know certain stuff is not cool in public. Like slippers, faded, torn, baggy tracksuit pants, supersize UDL premix spirits in a can. Ahem.
DeleteHAVE to admit. Not hae. Only a bogan would say hae. Heh.
DeleteThanks goodness I just found your site. You saved me from parent shitness isolation and gave me an awesome laugh in the process. I salute you and thank you from the bottom of my totally shit (how the hell do I deal with this one??) parent heart for being honest and hilarious. xox
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