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Monday, March 12, 2012

Yay for Junk Mail!

Alternatively titled : Has anybody seen my life?  I seem to have misplaced it.

You know you’re a sad, pathetic loser when even your junk mail seems interesting.

Every day, my hotmail junk folder is filled with craptastic shit.  Every day, I delete said craptasticness without a second though.

Because I have way more important emails to focus on, like my long distant but closely related second cousin’s uncle’s step brother’s offspring to whom I have no genetic link, but they loved me enough to leave me $127,000,000 EURO…Euro people, not dollars.

Thanks to the targeted ad placement, I now receive a whole other level of junk mail.

Just last week I received these emails, all of which interested me enough to actually open them…also, I’ve had a slow week and would’ve opened pretty much any email if it promised to distract me from domestic duties for any length of time:

Find a maid in your area
Oh. Yes. Please.
One question : Will they work for free, for love, for appreciation and praise, or for faux jewels?

Home delivery alcohol
So you mean I don’t have to leave the kids in the car, with the window down just a little bit?

Family friendly, affordable holiday destinations
As long as they’re affordable, I don’t mind if they’re not family friendly.  We can leave the kids at home with the free maid if we promise to arrange for her booze to be home delivered while we’re gone.

Your perfect match is waiting! What are you waiting for?
Just waiting for them to come up to speed on the three attached children, and come around to being referred to as “Step Daddy / Papa #2 / Father Mach 2 / Yo, Big Daddy”.

Do you know what your partner is doing tonight?  We can tell you.
Probably checking my browser history for my apparently alcoholic plans to run off to an affordable family friendly holiday destination with my perfect match, leaving him with the kids and the maid.

Improve your writing. Online English courses now available.
Say what?! Y’all be trippin’ fo sho coz I gots tha sickest language skillz out, yo.
But seriously, I'm trying not to take offence at this last one.

It’s been a great week on the junk mail front.  Coincidentally, a not so great week on the social life front…


  1. Hahahaha....I seem to get all of those too (except the alcohol delivered one).  Instead I have been getting we need worker from home, one.  As if I don't already do enough work at out my junk folder!

  2. Sometimes I read the wad of crap that comes flying into my mailbox.  They mainly tell me that a certain Real Estate agent is doing free assessments in my street and I need to book my appointment NOW

  3. According to emails from my junk folder I win everyday at least one million dollars.

  4.  Karma has spoken - today I get in my actual in box, not my junk mail, a mere $250,000 from a Western Union transfer. Sigh. Clearly my long lost relatives have given up on me ever claiming my hundreds of millions. At least until next week.

  5.  I love my actual hard copy junk mail. Seriously. I now have to fight the kids for it in an undignified manner. You should hear the screaming if it gets ripped in the tussle (mine, not theirs - the screaming that is. We all tussle).

  6.  Bahaha, you want job. They pay bad money. You work for love. Actually, maybe they're just recruiting maids for their other ads?

  7. Too funny! I even got the text on the phone the other day - we had won $900,000 US money in a lotto draw. So would Love to know how they got my number :)


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