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Friday, April 13, 2012

FFS!? Friday : The bodily fluids edition

Linking up with my vodka buddy DearBabyG for my weekly whine.

And I've totally earnt it this week.

You see, The Feral Threesome have joined together and worked as a team for but one single cause this week: spreading the germs. FFS.

It's like a slow moving Mexican Wave of sneezes and snot in the Parental Parody household.

I am one arm short when the sneezathon and associated snot snorting starts.  As a result, Mstr3 who is usually last, simply wipes his entire face over my stomach.  FFS.

I've developed a nervous twitch and an automatic hand reflex whenever I hear a sneeze - even at night while they're tucked up in their snotty Vicks scented bedrooms.  The sound of a sneeze sends one hand shooting up as if holding a tissue, and the other one over my own mouth as if to protect from airborne germs. FFS.
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Then there's the gastro.  Oh, the gastro.  The instigator of said gastro reads this blog, so I shan't name and shame.  But know this, unwitting instigator, there. will. be. payback.

While snot pours out of one orifice, the liquidized contents of their insides (you're welcome for my not expanding on that description) is coming out of the other two. FFS.

Now, as an adult, you know how hard it is to spew and poo at the same time when overcome by gut churning gastro, right?  The co-ordination required is something that can only be learned from years of experience.  The muscle control in ensuring nothing escapes the back end of business while you're face first doing the front end, it is super human.  Alternatively, some people are blessed with excellent mouth/eye co-ordination, and can sit and manage the back end while also finding room for the front end.  This was #1Hubby's helpful suggestion.

How do you educate and communicate any or all of that to three sick kids under the age of 7? FFS.

At some point, surely they have to run out of bodily fluids to expel Exorcist style, right?  Seriously.  I'm now convinced the little mini-bastards are covertly consuming their body weights in craptastic and stinky stickiness when I'm not looking, just so they can further torture me. FFS. 

If anyone needs me I will be on my hands and knees simultaneously praying to the Vodka Gods for an intervention, and getting high on the fumes of Pine O Clean while de-crapping the crapper.  FFS.


  1. once I managed the whole spew and poo cause my bath is next to the toilet... Alas the shower curtain was in the way.

    I use that day as my benchmark for all sickness, that being 11.  Right now I am at a 7.

  2. Rachel from Redcliffe StyleApril 13, 2012 at 9:06 AM

    That was a pretty shitty week, lol. Rachel x

  3. Why is it that when hideous germs are involved... that's the only time they share!! We haven't had a bug here for a while, but school/kindy goes back next week and I'm looking forward to seeing what germ hybrids they can come up with this winter.  NOT!!  May the pine-o-clean be with you. xo

  4. ugh, gastro sucks - crawling across the floor spewing your guts up to help the spewing, pooing child in the next room. Been there.
    Feel better soon!

  5. I actually could not finish your post - it was making ME feel sick. Hope the expulsion finishes for all of you soon. You'll look back and laugh one day! (not)

  6.  I don't want to jinx myself...but I have not had to get up close and personal with the bathroom since last night. Fingers crossed.

  7.  I am the only person who hasn't copped it. YET.  I know I'll get it approximately 3 hours before we board our plane to Bali.

  8.  We had been relatively germ free for ages.  I was obviously lulled into a false sense of security, and didn't see it coming until it was too late and it was - literally - all over me.  On another note, the kids have finally stopped trying to hug me as I screach and cower and tell them to go away so that Mummy doesn't get sick too.  I'm totally loving like that.

  9.  Word.  Here's to a shit-less weekend. Fingers (and legs) crossed!

  10.  Can I just say, that your loo is far cleaner than mine.  You must be using the bath instead, as you too suffer through a similar fate, yes?

    Mine are all at a 4 now.  May your own household get down to at least that before the alcohol runs out and you have to chance leaving the bathroom to get more.

    God speed xxx

  11. I keep a bucket-sized garbage bin next to the toilet. Usually it is used for empty toilet rolls, but is very handy on the odd occasion when I have a nasty gastro bug and get caught out.

  12. HAHA, Sorry but I really feel for you. Is it time for another holiday away?


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