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Friday, June 29, 2012

FFS!? Friday : The Twin Tornado. Again.

Mstr3 is all about farting at the moment.  He does it, then loudly declares "Pooh Mummy! You stinky bum!".  Always in public.  Always smelly.  Of course I protest my innocence, and people look at me like I'm some kind of bad mother trying to blame her own smelly rear on her sweet looking offspring who would never possibly lie about something like that. FFS.


I mean they could pick any number of other reasons to consider me a bad mother, just not that. FFS.

Speaking of the shits. I've booked in to have a colonoscopy. Seriously, universe? WTF? Is giving birth not orificially invasive enough?  How about pap smears? No? MOFO FFS.  And possibly TMI, heh.

Miss3 shall now be referred to as Naomi Campbell Jnr.  She took to Mstr3 with an old mobile phone, swatting him over the nose with it so forcefully that his nose bled for 20 MINUTES. FFS.

I didn't quite freak out (I totally would've, had Mstr3 not been laughing his ass off over the whole situation).  I did dry retch every time I looked at his bloody nose though, FFS.

So the Twin Tornado spent the rest of the day mimicking my faux vomiting. FFS.

Not surprisingly, Miss3 showed absolutely no remorse. FFS.


I just paid the equivalent of a shiny new Nespresso for one single term of swimming lessons for the Twin Tornado. FFS.

During their swimming lesson this week, both twins asked to go to the toilet 4 times each. Each trip took around 3 minutes.  Only once did they call toilet at the same time. FFS

That is 12 minutes each of their ridiculously expensive 30 minute lesson that was spent pissing themselves laughing over the water squirting out of the basin in the bathroom. FFS.

Water that was available for their enjoyment in bulk, IN THE POOL AT THE LESSON THEY WERE MISSING. FFS.


Of course if I was to call bullshit on them calling toilet, it would have been the one single time they did legitimately need to go, and I would've been responsible for the pool - ironically - turning a shade of gold. An extravagant shade of gold to match the fees. FFS.






25 comments:

  1. Ooh commiserations. Bodily fluids are my kryptonite. My daughter has a motor-powered botty valve *rolls eyes, smiles, Paaaardon Meeeee* and a current fascination with faux-gagging or fake -vomiting. For her weekly homework, in her literacy scrapbook she drew a person rainbow upchucking for the letter of the week, V. What gives kids??

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  2. Fecking swimming lessons...

    What is it with 3 year olds and farting?? At least mine will loudly declared "Hey MUM! I FLUFFED!!" which is only slightly less mortifying...

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  3.  I would totally be cool with 'fluffed'. Espescially when they're not blaming you for it.

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  4.  Oh I love that. V is for vomit - in all the colours of the rainbow!  In our house, V would probably be for Vodka. Heh.

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  5. My youngest son used to have copius nosebleeds during Summer when he was a kid. I used to dry retch all the time so I feel your pain!

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  6. the thing is.....I completely get what you are saying.

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  7. Haha, thanks for the 'it's not happening to me' giggles. Love the Naomi Campbell Jr moment. x

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  8.  OMG I don't know how you could've managed.  Having kids is like a mega test of one's gag reflex...

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  9.  So freaking glad.  Seriously.  It's totally reassuring to know I'm not the only one!

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  10.  Laugh at me, laugh with me, I really don't mind.  As long as you're not gasping in shock and horror, heh.

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  11. Up until a few weeks ago, my Miss2 didn't realise she could lie about something like that. We'd ask who did it, and she would own up with an angelic smile and an "excooose me". Now she points at me and says "Mummy!". The little rotter.

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  12.  Love it. I live for the day that I'm the one with loose nether regions.  They'll be changing my Depends and I'll be blaming them for my farts. I'm totally prepared to wait out the next 40 years until it is my time.

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  13. I think you are mother of the year for taking the kiddos to swimming lessons during winter, I point black refuse!!

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  14.  Just another reason I deserve MOTY.  It's actually warmer at swimming lessons (indoor heated pool) than it is at home. If only they could swim unsupervised I would stay all day. I could easily smuggle in some vodka to go with the slushie machine tropicana post mix.

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  15. You make me feel like I have nothing to complain about :)

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  16. hehe! My daughter is going through the same farting phase...

    My hubby wants to buy his mate a colonoscopy for his 30th birthday.

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  17.  I'll be sure to let you know if it's an awesome experience - suitable for marking a 30th birthday in style!

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  18. LOL! Our swimming lessons with the twinlets is at 8am. If one of them hasn't done a poo before we hit the pool, I am one anxious mama throughout the whole lesson.
    Good luck on the colonoscopy...or should I say, kick some butt ? ;)

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  19.  A floater! That hadn't even entered my mind!  Now I'll be extra anxious!

    Kick some butt...heh

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  20. hubby is 30 next year.. I am thinking I might buy one for him!! He'll find it hilarious and will do it willingly I think!

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  21. I agree with Sarah, you are MOTY for taking your babies to swimming lessons in this cold weather. I haven't taken C for 2 months now.

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  22. OH YEAH one of our sons did that to his father in a camping store!! He stood very still, did a big SBD and then slowly walked away...to have the owner of the Camping store looking at David with a huge death store :)

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  23.  To be fair - they have a cafe with decent coffee. And it's half an hour of not having to entertain them myself. Plus the water is warmer than our entire house. You know what, you're right - MOTY right here. Heh.

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