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Monday, July 23, 2012

An open letter to #1Hubby re: Football

No. No you are not.

Dear #1Hubby

Your football addiction is getting in the way of our parenting.

For reals.

I put in a lot of hours Monday-Friday when the kids aren't at school and daycare and I’m not distracted by Facebook and Twitter.  I shape their little minds.  I work hard to ensure that they all know what’s important in life.  Besides Facebook and Twitter.  And shopping.  And then on Sunday I have a day off from all that important mind shaping.  That's when I defer to Nickelodeon and ABC4Kids for their cultural enrichment and stuff.

Saturday is your day.  Your one single day of solo mind shaping and parental guidance etc. etc.
It has come to my attention that you are football brainwashing our children every Saturday when I go to work.

That shit has to stop.

The children don’t share your addiction.  It is confusing for them.

Won’t you please think of the children?

I've found my new local.  Booze but no Football.

Here are a few things that must immediately cease:

The Carlton Football Club is not the supreme world super power you are misleading our children to believe it is.

That holy right is reserved for One Direction (Miss6), Dora & Diego (The Twin Tornado) and the cast of Magic Mike (me).

The Carlton Football Club theme song is not our family anthem.  Stop making them practice it.

A nursery rhyme character loses its magical powers every time you sing it with them.

Carlton Football Club attire is not to be worn in public.

We live in Western Australia.  We have two football teams of our own.  Give the kids a chance.  Stop making them targets for bullies, okay?

If you refuse, I will get the iron out.  And you know how good I am with that sucker.  Especially with highly flammable polyester.

Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and ABC4Kids do not stop broadcasting on Saturday’s.  Football is not the only program on TV on Saturday’s.

Stop freaking the kids out.  It breeds instability, and I suspect it is while you’re glued to the TV that they are taking their frustrations out on the walls and carpet via Crayola therapy.  On your watch.  Not mine.

In this house, I am the leader. And you should fear me if I have to keep competing with this man for your attention.  Especially if the kids continue to say they love him more than they love me.

I fear it is getting out of control.  It’s reaching cult proportions.

You are a mere couch-jumping episode away from Tom Cruise, that’s all I’m saying.

Don’t make me ask for a 2-for-1 deal on Colonoscopies, so that they can find the Carlton Football Club gene in your ass and remove it.

Your ever loving wife who will enact a total ball ban if you don't smarten up


  1. That is the funniest thing ever...because Geelong rule ;-)

  2. Enjoyed this post greatly. Love it!
    Thanks for the laugh this morning - just what I needed.

  3. Enjoyed this post greatly. Love it!
    Thanks for the laugh this morning - just what I needed.

  4. As a male and a massive Carlton supporter I have to side with your husband. I too know how it feels to be obsessed with this over paid, under performing, grown man cry-making team. My kids will have the same fate one day

  5.  Thank you. I'm going to chalk that up as you agreeing with me, and therefore further confirmation that #1Hubby is wrong, wrong, wrong.

  6.  So glad you enjoyed it. Come back any time, I have lots of whining that seems to make people laugh.

  7. No problem - it just makes me look even more engaging ;-)

  8.  Yes but you are Victorian - it's to be expected.  I fear I'm going to have to train my kids in cage fighting, just so they can hold their own in our WA school playgrounds...

  9. Wow - have to wonder! does hubby read your blog posting? I sure hope so cause its so funny!! Wonder if he has now hidden the iron from you :) My hubby is not football mad, but one of my sons is!! And I dont get it? Why do they have to watch it and scream all of the time? Its a TV and the players are not going to hear them!


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