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Friday, July 6, 2012

FFS!? Friday : Apricots


Dried apricots – staple snack food favoured by many a parent since the invention of whatever equipment is used to dry an apricot.

The other morning, the Twin Tornado were happily munching on a couple of these

Apricots and Sultanas - totally counts as their daily fruit.

So to set you up with the specifics – the dried apricot pieces were the same size as the sultanas.

For whatever reason, Mstr3 chose the one morning we had somewhere to be like 10 minutes ago to try another method of consumption.

While I was running around getting things organised, he was shoving dried apricot up his left nostril. FFS.

I was only alerted when he started having a hissy fit because his “nozzy hurts!”

It was only when Miss3 dobbed him in that I was alerted to the invasive culprit.

And so I set about coaxing Mstr3 to come to me so that I could shove my fist up his nostril in a calm, loving and OMG WE’RE SO FREAKING LATE YOU IDIOT WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO CONSUME FOOD PROPERLY FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS BEFORE SEEKING AN ALTERNATIVE METHOD THE ONE DAY WE’RE RUNNING LATE....slightly frantic manner.

I chased that little mini-bastard around the living room for ages.  We’re talking at least 40 seconds.  It’s a small living room.  We were both dizzy in the end. FFS.

You may not realise this, but – even though apricots are decidedly orange – they totally blend in once inserted high into a nostril.  I could not see anything up there for the life of me. FFS.

I was picturing a piece of apricot travelling up to his brain.  Cue mild panic as I imagine every possible worst case scenario I’ve ever seen on House or Embarassing Bodies or ER (where’s Dr Ross when I need him?). FFS.

I tried getting him to exhale – he did, through his mouth, followed by a snotty and wet sounding inhale via his nose.  Wrong way. FFS.

I spent a solid couple of minutes trying to demonstrate a strong nasal exhale.  Nothing doing. FFS.

I tried pouring water up his nostril – hey, I’m not a Doctor.  I was thinking it may make him sneeze and the apricot would come shooting out.

Not so.  The water simply dribbled down the front of both of us while he screamed bloody murder. FFS.

I tried pepper under his nose to make him sneeze it out.  I received a head butt and a filthy death stare in return. FFS.

Then Mstr3 must’ve decided it wasn’t worth the terror and the sadistic forms or torture I was enacting upon him, and so he claimed it did not hurt.

We were crazy late by this time, and so I believed him.

We went out, did our thing, came home.  No apricot.

When we got home, I spotted the toothpicks and decided to go for broke.

Again…I know how totally dangerous and stupid this was NOW.  At the time, it was bloody genius on my part – and of course I used the blunt end (duh).

So while I tried to sound calm and advised Mstr3 to close his eyes, sit still and think of Thomas…I went in.

It would appear that snot had re-hydrated the apricot, as it was far more prominent than when I first went on a pre-excavation search.  It was located and removed very quickly and easily.

SUCCESS!

Mstr3 even let me near him just a few short hours later, as the trauma faded.

We went to swimming lessons, we were mates, we had a great day.

End of story.

OR NOT…
The evil bastards were just messing with me,
having lulled me into a false sense of security
 

We went to pick Miss6 up from school.

Mstr3 is happy, he’s playing….he’s got something emerging from his left nostril.

Something large and orange.

DEAR VODKA GODS IT’S ANOTHER BLOODY APRICOT….

Thankfully, this one had been re-hydrated, not only by snot, but also by the pool water from the swimming lesson.  This sucker slipped out quickly and easily, from his nose to my fist.

Delightful. FFS.

Mstr3 happily exclaimed “I can taste the elicot in my mouth Mummy!”

Even more delightful. FFS.

I had to carry that bloody snotty, wet, juicy apricot around for MINUTES before I found a bin.  FFS.

Seriously…what school doesn’t have multiple bins around their classrooms and playground? FFS.

What followed was a serious discussion about exactly how many apricots Mstr3 had inserted up his left nostril.

Me: “JJ…how many apricots did you put up there mate?

Mstr3: “Umm….one

Me: “No buddy, Mummy’s already found TWO.  So how many was it mate?

Mstr3: “Umm….two elicots.

Me: “You’re just saying that because that’s what I said, aren’t you?

Mstr3: “Umm…yeah

Smirking, he leans in close to my ear and whispers…

Mstr3: “Two shit elicots Mummy!

FFS.
 
So anyway it’s now been over 24 hours and we are yet to discover any further emerging apricots/elicots – shit ones or otherwise.




20 comments:

  1. bahaha where's a bloody nurse when you need one?

    I think you should go swimming once a day! Just for rehydration purposes. I always knew swimming lessons were life saving. You are super mum x

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  2. bodyandfeetretreatJuly 6, 2012 at 9:27 AM

    LOL the joys of little children - glad that it all worked out in the end and hopefully no more elicots up the nose !!!Have a great day !
    Me
    (Popping over via With Some Grace)

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  3.  OMG I did not even think of you this time! I should've phoned and harassed you and then I could absolutely blame his future fear of toothpicks on you!

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  4.  Fingers crossed - I still wouldn't be surprised if extra apricots/elicots emerged over the coming days.

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  5. Ha! Hilarious post! Why does this stuff only happen when you are already running ridiculously late?! 

    (I found you via FYBF - I'm Leanne from Boyz Germs.)

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  6. That is hilarious!  Although I'm sure you didn't find it so funny at the time.  Thanks for the laugh, I always enjoy your FFS posts.  :-)

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  7.  I know, right!? Never when I'm bored, sitting around at home, wishing for a toddler drama to while away the hours.

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  8.  Thanks Lisa. So glad. I had to cull the post and go solely with the Apricots story. I have other stuff saved up for next week - although, I probably won't need it - being that school holidays is about to commence over here, FFS.

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  9. LMAO!!! Oh, Georgia! You did it again! You've made me wet my pants on a Friday night!
    I bet there's going to be more apricot stories yet to come :)

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  10. God this made me laugh! Shit elicots - bwahahahahahah!

    When my daughter was small she put the seed from a blue iris up her nostril. I don't kow why. It is like a small, rock hard black marble. She did this every few days FFS! She would look at me with her little nose bulging in a seed shaped lump, denying she had done it.

    Why would anyone put anything up thier nose??

    xx

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  11. That is gold Georgia!!! In fact it's the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks  @Grace   for putting it on twitter, a great Friday night kack!!! XxDani @ Fitness Food And Style

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  12.  Honestly, I will be a little disappointed if there isn't.  As long as he doesn't develop an early snorting tendency. Best be putting my talc powder away, just in case.

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  13.  My kids are nothing if not appropriate swearers.

    Ooh blue iris seed - so much more fancy than a bit of dried apricot!

    I love the way kids can totally and believably claim it wasn't them or they didn't do it, despite all the evidence.

    I'm secretly concerned Mstr3 is starting a snorting habit.  I'm going to monitor his sniffles, inhales and all other inwards nostril movements, just in case...

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  14.  Thank you so much. Nothing better than making others laugh -it's definitely much better than that one time someone told me I should never have been allowed to have kids, following reading one of my more mild posts. If only they'd stuck around for this one!

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  15. My daughter put corn up her nose when she was two. Tried all the things you did plus taking her out into the cold and nothing worked. Asked hubby who is an ambo, no ideas. Rang the hospital and all the nurse could suggest was bringing her in and they would use big pointy things. Then had a brainwave, got one of the little syringes you use for giving small kids medicine (the ones with no needle!) put it to the nostril, blocked the other one and gently sucked. Bingo out came 4 corn kernels! Good news is she NEVER did it again, not so good news was hubby went to ambulance training that night, explained the problem and took credit for the solution!!

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  16. OH My gosh did this bring back memories! Our second son (please dont tell him I am sharing this story!!) Stuck a Vitamin C up his nose.....on the way to kindy. We were already late by 20 minutes and he did just as we got in the car. Luckily his older brother let me know that he had!
    A trip to the hospital, three different doctors holding him down and then the conclusion - that because it was a slow dissolving vitamin c that is should be ok to leave there. It was too far up to get it out :)
    So for about three weeks Zachery was sneezing out orange stuff from his nose! And it went everywhere everytime he had to blow his nose!  It was even running out orange at kindy and I had to explain why :)

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  17. Bahahahaha, I am crying with laughter!

    You really are supermum, I don't know how you do it.
    xxx

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  18.  That is genius. I'm going to get a syringe for the next time. Because I'm sure it's only just the start of his nasal explorations.

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  19.  Love it! I think he actually deserves credit for attemting to streamline his vitamin consumption.

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  20.  Obviously not very well or succesfully, heh. But thank you xx

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