FFS!? Friday : Apricots

Dried apricots – staple snack food favoured by many a parent since the invention of whatever equipment is used to dry an apricot.

The other morning, the Twin Tornado were happily munching on a couple of these

Apricots and Sultanas - totally counts as their daily fruit.

So to set you up with the specifics – the dried apricot pieces were the same size as the sultanas.

For whatever reason, Mstr3 chose the one morning we had somewhere to be like 10 minutes ago to try another method of consumption.

While I was running around getting things organised, he was shoving dried apricot up his left nostril. FFS.

I was only alerted when he started having a hissy fit because his “nozzy hurts!”

It was only when Miss3 dobbed him in that I was alerted to the invasive culprit.

And so I set about coaxing Mstr3 to come to me so that I could shove my fist up his nostril in a calm, loving and OMG WE’RE SO FREAKING LATE YOU IDIOT WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO CONSUME FOOD PROPERLY FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS BEFORE SEEKING AN ALTERNATIVE METHOD THE ONE DAY WE’RE RUNNING LATE....slightly frantic manner.

I chased that little mini-bastard around the living room for ages.  We’re talking at least 40 seconds.  It’s a small living room.  We were both dizzy in the end. FFS.

You may not realise this, but – even though apricots are decidedly orange – they totally blend in once inserted high into a nostril.  I could not see anything up there for the life of me. FFS.

I was picturing a piece of apricot travelling up to his brain.  Cue mild panic as I imagine every possible worst case scenario I’ve ever seen on House or Embarassing Bodies or ER (where’s Dr Ross when I need him?). FFS.

I tried getting him to exhale – he did, through his mouth, followed by a snotty and wet sounding inhale via his nose.  Wrong way. FFS.

I spent a solid couple of minutes trying to demonstrate a strong nasal exhale.  Nothing doing. FFS.

I tried pouring water up his nostril – hey, I’m not a Doctor.  I was thinking it may make him sneeze and the apricot would come shooting out.

Not so.  The water simply dribbled down the front of both of us while he screamed bloody murder. FFS.

I tried pepper under his nose to make him sneeze it out.  I received a head butt and a filthy death stare in return. FFS.

Then Mstr3 must’ve decided it wasn’t worth the terror and the sadistic forms or torture I was enacting upon him, and so he claimed it did not hurt.

We were crazy late by this time, and so I believed him.

We went out, did our thing, came home.  No apricot.

When we got home, I spotted the toothpicks and decided to go for broke.

Again…I know how totally dangerous and stupid this was NOW.  At the time, it was bloody genius on my part – and of course I used the blunt end (duh).

So while I tried to sound calm and advised Mstr3 to close his eyes, sit still and think of Thomas…I went in.

It would appear that snot had re-hydrated the apricot, as it was far more prominent than when I first went on a pre-excavation search.  It was located and removed very quickly and easily.

SUCCESS!

Mstr3 even let me near him just a few short hours later, as the trauma faded.

We went to swimming lessons, we were mates, we had a great day.

End of story.

OR NOT…

The evil bastards were just messing with me,
having lulled me into a false sense of security

 

We went to pick Miss6 up from school.

Mstr3 is happy, he’s playing….he’s got something emerging from his left nostril.

Something large and orange.

DEAR VODKA GODS IT’S ANOTHER BLOODY APRICOT….

Thankfully, this one had been re-hydrated, not only by snot, but also by the pool water from the swimming lesson.  This sucker slipped out quickly and easily, from his nose to my fist.

Delightful. FFS.

Mstr3 happily exclaimed “I can taste the elicot in my mouth Mummy!”

Even more delightful. FFS.

I had to carry that bloody snotty, wet, juicy apricot around for MINUTES before I found a bin.  FFS.

Seriously…what school doesn’t have multiple bins around their classrooms and playground? FFS.

What followed was a serious discussion about exactly how many apricots Mstr3 had inserted up his left nostril.

Me: “JJ…how many apricots did you put up there mate?”

Mstr3: “Umm….one”

Me: “No buddy, Mummy’s already found TWO.  So how many was it mate?”

Mstr3: “Umm….two elicots.”

Me: “You’re just saying that because that’s what I said, aren’t you?”

Mstr3: “Umm…yeah”

Smirking, he leans in close to my ear and whispers…

Mstr3: “Two shit elicots Mummy!”

FFS.

 

So anyway it’s now been over 24 hours and we are yet to discover any further emerging apricots/elicots – shit ones or otherwise.