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Friday, July 13, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Junkets, apples and drains

I had a whole FFS!? post ready to go.  I lost it.  The internet ate it.  I blame Justin Bieber. FFS

I have solo-parented this week with very little to FFS!? about. FFS

It means I have just hours left to fabricate a massive "woe is me" story to feed #1Hubby on his return from his week-long MOFO junket in New Zealand.  FFS

How else will I guilt him into sending me to a hotel for a night of in-house movies, room service, pricey mini bar booze and uninterrupted sleep / toilet time / bathing? 

That is, if he returns home as planned.  He called last night to advise that Queenstown is expecting a mega storm and flights may be cancelled.  Specifically when he is due to fly out. FFS.

I told him to grab some floaties and swim. FFS.

The drain outside the kitchen backed up. FFS

This week.  While #1Hubby is away. FFS.

I attempted to MacGyver my way through it with nothing but the contents of my pantry and Google.

Baking soda and vinegar liberally poured in.  Much foaming followed, but the drain was still over-flowing. FFS

So I MacGyvered up a hook on the end of my broom and went fishing.

So far I have retrieved:

1 Diego electric toothbrush
1 Disney Princess plastic cup
1 old Nokia mobile phone
2 Barbie doll heads

And I am not finished. FFS

I downed tools in disgust after having to re-attach the hook four times.  That's four times I came into contact with the stinky, slimy contents of our kitchen drain. FFS.

#1Hubby phoned to tell me he's been promoted.  I told him that I've arranged a special treat to congratulate him.  I suspect he is envisaging a lap dance or some such wifely type reward.  Instead, I am sending him fishing.  Drain fishing.  No fishing rod, just the broom with poorly gaffa taped hanging pot plant hook attachment.

 I bought a bag of apples.  Small apples, so that the kids could eat a whole one each.  2 days later I went to grab one.  Every single apple has 1-2 bite marks out of it. FFS.

They are now all going brown and therefore the kids won't touch them. FFS.

I got all ranty and yelled "DON'T YOU KNOW MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON TREES!? WELL GUESS WHAT, NEITHER DO APPL...oh wait...nevermind..." FFS

So I decided to juice the bag full of apples.  Only the juice also goes brown very quickly, meaning the kids won't drink it.  FFS.

I am now drinking homemade browned apple juice and talking it up like it is the most delicious thing next to chocolate milk.

It is not.  It is exceptionally sour. FFS.

I realise none of this is FFS-ingly awesome.  FFS.

I will attempt to do better next week.



  1. I know that old apple trick. We've got a couple of pros at it here at Crash Palace.

  2. Had to laugh at this one. Stop drinking the arsey apple juice, the kids don't care and you're only punishing yourself!
    I have a neat trick I do with drains. I tried all that stuff you did at first then declared that a mugs game. If it's blocked I just shoot air pressure down it and make the blockage someone else's problem. Probably the council, I dunno. My drain runs properly again and that's all I care about. And I haven't had to touch yuckies.
    It's a plumbing tool I found at Bunnings. 

  3.  I even had apple flavoured vodka in the liquor cupboard - how much more drinkable it could've been!  Clearly I've lost my head...

    I will take your wise drainage advice...but not before #1Hubby has done his time fishing around in the yuckness.  It's only fair that I get to share the slime first, yes?

  4. Ah, yeah, it's totally awesome. Those two pictures are hysterical. Next time - apple crumble.

  5. that picture of the lil girl is hilarious!! I think we all have been there when we were youngings!

    Step away from that juice!!!!

  6. I'm so scared things like your drain-issue-thingy will happen to my while the husb's away... I'm useless..going to make him check the drains before he goes away next - just in case. 

    Ditch the apple juice, it doesn't meet the standards of "if you love it savour it, if you don't love it don't eat it!" Go get some chocolate milk!

  7. BodyandfeetretreatJuly 13, 2012 at 6:03 PM

    LOL - I can always count on a laugh when I drop by here !! What really gets me laughing is #1Hubby - is there a #2Hubby somewhere in the wings waiting to be brought out at some future date when you are short on material ???

    Have the best weekend - hope you get the drain nblocked soon. We have some really caustic smelling stuff that we throw down there which seems to do the job as well - throw a couple of tablespoons down and run out the kitchen for when it starts to froth a bit !!


  8. What are you talking about??? I was laughing myself senseless throughout this FFS post!
    The photo of the apples had me in stitches. Seriously.
    Are you sure #1Hubby didn't go to Queenstown for a secret snowboard expedition ?

  9. Have you been spying on our house and using the hijinks as inspiration for your posts, FFS?  When I went drain fishing I came up with about 6 matchbox cars and a bunch of rocks that the kids thought it was funny to drop down there.   

  10. oh my! Those apples would have made a great apple pie :)
    And yep that drain sounds like something I so wouldnt want to deal with...why does those things happen when hubby's are away?

  11.  Another genius suggestion. Can't believe I didn't think of that.

  12.  I did in the end. Realised I was punishing the wrong person!

  13.  Or ignore the overflowing drains and tell the kids they can't go outside until Daddy gets home.  That was my next option.

    I stopped drinking the juice...I wonder if I keep it for a while, will it ferment into booze? Like apple cider? Just tossing up my options.

  14.  You are exactly right - #1Hubby is awesome and #1 to me and all that stuff - but he's also easily replaced by #2 or #3 - should Brad Pitt decide to halve his load to just 3 kids, or George Clooney decide he actually likes kids.  So I call the current model #1Hubby to remind him that he can easily be replaced.

    I have half unblocked the drain. I left the rest for #1Hubby to fish out.  Let him get stinky. He's a boy.

    May your weekend (and drains) be clear and stinky free!

  15.  I checked him liberally for bruises - not a scrape.  Therefore he did not participate in any of the extreme sports that NZ is famous for.

    Meanwhile, I extreme parented my way through things back here at home.

    Those apples...urgh.  If only I hadn't already cut up a heap before I thought to take a photo of them.  We're talking at least a kilo of bitten and browning apples.

  16.  Oh the cars, the sacred cars. Mstr3 would have the biggest girly-man tantrum if one of his beloved cars went down there.  I'd probably find him stuck in there trying to get it back, head first, wedged in.  Would have to call the fire brigade to get him out.

    Wait a minute....firemen....let me just consider that one a bit further....

  17.  Another genius suggestion!  Why did I not consider any of the great cooking options for those bloody apples.  Especially cooking options that go well with custard and cream!  Sacrilege on my part.


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