I had a whole FFS!? post ready to go. I lost it. The internet ate it. I blame Justin Bieber. FFS
I have solo-parented this week with very little to FFS!? about. FFS
It means I have just hours left to fabricate a massive "woe is me" story to feed #1Hubby on his return from his week-long MOFO junket in New Zealand. FFS
How else will I guilt him into sending me to a hotel for a night of in-house movies, room service, pricey mini bar booze and uninterrupted sleep / toilet time / bathing?
That is, if he returns home as planned. He called last night to advise that Queenstown is expecting a mega storm and flights may be cancelled. Specifically when he is due to fly out. FFS.
I told him to grab some floaties and swim. FFS.
The drain outside the kitchen backed up. FFS
This week. While #1Hubby is away. FFS.
I attempted to MacGyver my way through it with nothing but the contents of my pantry and Google.
Baking soda and vinegar liberally poured in. Much foaming followed, but the drain was still over-flowing. FFS
So I MacGyvered up a hook on the end of my broom and went fishing.
So far I have retrieved:
1 Diego electric toothbrush
1 Disney Princess plastic cup
1 old Nokia mobile phone
2 Barbie doll heads
And I am not finished. FFS
I downed tools in disgust after having to re-attach the hook four times. That's four times I came into contact with the stinky, slimy contents of our kitchen drain. FFS.
#1Hubby phoned to tell me he's been promoted. I told him that I've arranged a special treat to congratulate him. I suspect he is envisaging a lap dance or some such wifely type reward. Instead, I am sending him fishing. Drain fishing. No fishing rod, just the broom with poorly gaffa taped hanging pot plant hook attachment.
I bought a bag of apples. Small apples, so that the kids could eat a whole one each. 2 days later I went to grab one. Every single apple has 1-2 bite marks out of it. FFS.
They are now all going brown and therefore the kids won't touch them. FFS.
I got all ranty and yelled "DON'T YOU KNOW MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON TREES!? WELL GUESS WHAT, NEITHER DO APPL...oh wait...nevermind..." FFS
So I decided to juice the bag full of apples. Only the juice also goes brown very quickly, meaning the kids won't drink it. FFS.
I am now drinking homemade browned apple juice and talking it up like it is the most delicious thing next to chocolate milk.
It is not. It is exceptionally sour. FFS.
I realise none of this is FFS-ingly awesome. FFS.
I will attempt to do better next week.