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Friday, July 20, 2012

FFS!? Friday : Of human waste receptacles

The Twin Tornado are largely toilet trained.  They only use nappies overnight.  Mostly because Mummy here doesn't get up at night for anyone or anything short of George Clooney and/or the house burning down.

Until they regularly wake with clean, dry nappies, I will not be doing any of that waking them up to toilet train them during the night crap.  My half-assed method worked with Miss6, and she even managed it well before she hit school age (which I wasn't entirely optimistic about, given that I was doing NOTHING to actually toilet train her at night time).

Not one single accident either.  Ever.  I take full credit for that, naturally.

I just know that the bed-wetting Gods will come down on me for the gloating. FFS.

The Twin Tornado have been ripping their nappies off first thing every morning, and shredding them. FFS.

They leave a path of yellowed, wee soaked nappy filling all the way down the stairs. FFS.

Guess who has to pick that shit stuff up? FFS.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to pick damp, spongy nappy filling off of carpet? FFS.

Carpeted stairs, no less - leaning over, balancing and trying not to fall all the way down. Extra FFS.

I tried making them pick it up themselves, but as soon as I saw Miss3's hand near her mouth - she who eats everything not nailed down, edible or otherwise - I had to take over. FFS.

You're welcome for my opting to show you someone else's image of clean nappy/diaper filling and not one the Twin Tornado prepared earlier today....

The down-side of successfully toilet training the Twin Tornado (say that 3 times after a few vodka's), is that I myself am forever waiting to use the toilet during the day, regularly putting my poorly pelvic floor to the test. FFS.

One, two or all three of the Feral Threesome occupy both of our toilets at any given time that I need to go. FFS.

Their bathroom cycles are clearly in-sync with my own, only theirs are slightly ahead so that I am always the one whining from the other side of the door to hurry upppppp. FFS.

And they take FOREVER in there.  FFS.

They would quite happily sit on the toilet for an hour - no exaggeration - I have timed Mstr3 out of sheer curiosity and frustration.  He merrily chats away to himself and whichever toy he's taken in to keep him company. FFS.

By the time I get to use the toilet, not only do I have an audience refusing to leave the confines of the lavatory, but I also usually have one single square of toilet paper at my disposal. FFS.

As much as I wish it was, my ass is not that small. One single square of cheap toilet paper won't cut it - or cover it, as it were. FFS.

Often, the little mini-bastards have thrown whole toilet rolls in the bowl for good measure. FFS.

I can't tell you how many coat / jacket / cardigan / sweater / shirt sleeves I've dipped in the toilet bowl while fishing out a bloated, full roll of toilet paper. FFS.

Plus accompanying plastic animal figurines. FFS.

I'm now so used to toilet bowl invasion that I hover over the seat, wondering if I have:

    a) checked the contents of the bowl for over-flow inducing items
    b) checked the toilet roll for adequate sheetage
    c) checked the toilet seat for miss-fires and puddles

I actually have a mental pre-wee checklist, FFS.

Last night, while #1Hubby was snoring off his epic Man Flu (huge FFS right there), I was relishing the peaceful silence of solo toilet time - a luxury only afforded me at 11pm at night. FFS.

As I flushed, the water kept rising up the bowl.

I panicked, and looked around for what I could mop up the impending tidal wave with.  #1Hubby's towel was closest.

I swear.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Luckily for me (and #1Hubby's towel), the water bubbled twice and receded just in time - in a very stop-start manner that can only be the result of a Lego man hunkering down somewhere in the S-bend. FFS.

It is only a matter of time before that shit backs up.  Literally. FFS.

Please, please, please.  Let it be on a Saturday while I'm at work and #1Hubby has to deal with it.


  1. You know I have your back on toilet paper sagas FFS. I always use HB's towel to clean up such messes too :)

  2. LOL Thank you for the laugh, I apologise for being highly amused by your torment! I'm procrastinating with toilet training number 2 and you've made me want to put it off even longer!

  3. hehe had a good chuckle!! I am admist toilet training my 3yr old.. she is down right refusing and well.. I guess I have to keep on trying... 

  4. Oh FFS, don't remind me of bloody nappies!!!  How glad was I to see them go.  One of my twins is 6 now and wets the bed here and there... but I don't care!!!  I've got a washing machine and am not afraid to use it... and he often just hops up to the top bunk. Lets me sleep... my wee darling.

  5. I refuse to night train. My six year old still wears nappies to bed evn though my four year old hasn't for a coupe of years.
    Whatever. I'm not washing sheets every day!

  6. "As much as I wish it was, my ass is not that small. One single square of cheap toilet paper won't cut it - or cover it, as it were. FFS." - LMAO! I am so addicted to your FFS posts now. I'm always guaranteed of a good laugh :D

  7. Thanks for the regular Friday giggle.  I certainly don't miss those days of nappies and toilet training.  My toilet issues now usually revolve around the skid marks and the wee down the walls.  Why is the aim so difficult, FFS?!

  8.  Maybe we could swap towels so that it couldn't be tracked back to either of us individually? Seriously, we could totally screw with them if we just teamed up.

  9.  Do that. Seriously. I've just cleaned up a trail of UNSPEAKABLE CONTENTS leading from the toilet to Miss3 - she claims it was her brother, nowhere near them. Really, put it off. Or maybe pay daycare to do it.

  10.  No don't persist - forget it. Forget it and enrol her in daycare. Daycare did the bulk of toilet training for my oldest. It was a blissfully ignorant period of time for me.

  11.  I would be totally cool with that - as long as nobody woke me up.

  12.  Amen to that. I am with you there.

  13.  Oh so no pressure there! Heh. It says a lot that I've already started my list for next week's FFS post. It includes vegetables and a seemingly lovely old Nonna. Insert suspensful DUM DUM DUMMMM

  14.  OMG the skid marks! What is with that?! If it's not the man-child it's one of the actual kids. Seriously... how hard is it to wipe sufficiently?

  15. Oh Lordy! I can so relate to this post. Yes, I have cleaned up poop from the carpet. Fortunately it wasn't on the stairs but it was bad enough. After scouring google for old wives methods of stain removal I finally gave up and called in the cavalry - the steam cleaner. I am also no stranger to hauling sodden toilet rolls out of the bowl. But I am wondering if you have reached the parental low point of making up ditties about poo? Mine goes a little something like this (to the tune of Blueberry Hill) -" You found your thrill, with a blueberry poo. It lingered until your Mum changed your nappy." My 2 year old sings along happily. Its hasn't helped the potty training any.
    Here's to peaceful peeing

  16. We have our youngest NOW toilet trained at night :) He is only seven! Our others were all easy to toilet train....left them in a wet bed one night (was too tired to get up!) and they never wet again. Our youngest never cared if he wet so leaving him in it was not an option. The only thing that worked was saying he couldnt have sleep overs while he was still in a nappy. Now he is dry. Better find someone to have him for a sleep over.
    And what is it with kids and putting a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet? cant remember how many I have had to pull out :)

  17.  Love it! Don't think I'm quite at the ditty stage myself. I'm totally without creativity on that front, so if and when I get there, I may have to seek your creative input for our own ditty.

  18. I think I fluked it with Miss6 when she simply stopped wetting her nappies at night.  I can just tell karma will get me back double with the twins - I expect I'll be buying Depends for them, as they get older and bigger and don't fit kids nappies any longer.

    Sending my kids off to someone else for a whole night is incentive enough for me to consider night training. Of course, I don't know anyone that would be stupid enough to take my kids. Not even for 1 night.

  19. My (now) 3 year old toilet trained himself.  When we brought his sister home he took one look at us putting nappies on her and decried. "I'm not a BABY!" and insisted on using the potty(s) I'd strategically placed all over the house that had been sitting idle for the previous 6 months.

    That was a fun time...child toilet training himself, great, tripping over forgotten potty full of wee at 3am, PRICELESS. 

    Anyhoo, move forward 6months to now.  For the past three weeks he has refused the potty.  Toilet only.

    **end backstory**

    Ok, what the F is with the dunking of whole rolls of TP?  Or dragging the TP into the toilet, and flushing it, thus allowing the force of the flushing water to unravel the TP into the toilet?


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