This week's FFS!? Friday is bought to you by cough lozenges, whoever makes the budget sandpaper rough tissues that leave my nose looking like I have an obvious coke problem, Maltesers, Peanut M&Ms, and cask wines of various branding - until I realised they didn't mix well with my hard core cold & flu tablets (the kind you have to provide your drivers license to obtain). FFS and also 'my bad'.
|Bend over and think of Vodka....|
I've had man flu for 2 whole weeks now. FFS.
Man flu that morphed into simultaneous chest and sinus infections. FFS.
The Twin Tornado caught part of it, and so I couldn't even send them to Daycare in order to wallow in my phlegmy pool of self pity. FFS.
Miss6 also caught part of it, but would rather be at school than at home spending extra snotty quality time with me. I can just feel the love, not. FFS.
Thank the Vodka Gods #1Hubby didn't get it, because then I would've had some serious competition in the whining stakes. No FFS.
My Doctor has never ever taken a day off in her life. She commenced 6 weeks holidays the week before I came down with man flu that morphed into simultaneous chest and sinus infections. FFS.
I had to go to a "no appointments necessary" clinic. There's a reason it's "no appointments necessary" - people die waiting for their turn, in the appropriately named waiting room. FFS.
While depleted by man flu, I've had trouble being arsed doing anything. Especially anything related to housework and parenting. FFS-worthy examples:
No energy to produce impressive and healthy dinners. So I cracked open a tin of baked beans (1 serve of veg there), cut up some carrot as the one and only side dish (2nd serve of veg there), slopped it on some toast (fibre, right there)....and felt like the worst mother in the world for following up a day of V8 fruit and veg juice and popcorn (without any salt or butter, to add insult to crap parenting) with such a poor attempt at dinner. FFS.
So I emptied the contents of their kiddy multi-vitamin and Omega 3 fish oil tablets on top of their baked beans for good measure. Mother of The Year. FFS.
In all seriousness, Jamie Oliver should take note - bugger trying to get healthier meals in schools. Just provide them with powdered and/or liquefied kiddy vitamins and sprinkle it over the chips and nuggets. Job done. You're welcome.
Miss6 has worn the same uniform 3 days in a row. On the 3rd day I made her wear the tracksuit pants backwards in order to hide a stain on the legs. FFS.
I figured that anyone who bothered to take note of the state of her uniform would easily be fooled by the relocation of the stain, and therefore have no clue that the poor child has worn the exact same clothes 3 days in a row. I also gave her a liberal coating of body spray for good measure.
The only reason it's not 4 days in a row is because today is Friday and
#1Hubby I have the weekend to wash. FFS.
On top of all of this, I've been receiving spammy text messages on my mobile phone. That really shits me....especially when it's from my immediate family. FFS.
#1Nana has been tipsy-texting me from Vietnam. FFS.
Yes, I am being drunk texted by my mother. FFS
Can anyone say unfair role reversal? FFS
|Thankfully, we haven't reached this level of intoxicated texting. Yet.|
It's not enough that their former travel agent daughter here has to plan and organise and book the most awesome junket ever...that I don't get to go on (FFS), but I also have to receive the blow-by-blow reports on how shitting awesome my holiday booking skills are....FFS....while I'm at home dying of man flu...FFS.
If I get one more bloody text message about $3 cocktails and 2 for 1 happy hours, casinos and shopping, I will crush up the bastard mobile phone and sprinkle it over her welcome home cookies. FFS.
And I'm only half kidding. #1Nana once had an awful scarf do the rounds of her mates. Nobody wanted it. It was the gift that literally kept on giving, as it became the joke gift in their group. When it came back to my Mum for the 3rd time, she cut it up and cooked it into a casserole and a cake, and served it up to the group. She is all kinds of awesome, and it also served as a warning to never ever gift her shit (literal or metaphorical).