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Friday, September 7, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Man flu

This week's FFS!? Friday is bought to you by cough lozenges, whoever makes the budget sandpaper rough tissues that leave my nose looking like I have an obvious coke problem, Maltesers, Peanut M&Ms, and cask wines of various branding - until I realised they didn't mix well with my hard core cold & flu tablets (the kind you have to provide your drivers license to obtain). FFS and also 'my bad'.

Bend over and think of Vodka....
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I've had man flu for 2 whole weeks now. FFS.

Man flu that morphed into simultaneous chest and sinus infections. FFS.

The Twin Tornado caught part of it, and so I couldn't even send them to Daycare in order to wallow in my phlegmy pool of self pity. FFS.

Miss6 also caught part of it, but would rather be at school than at home spending extra snotty quality time with me. I can just feel the love, not. FFS.

Thank the Vodka Gods #1Hubby didn't get it, because then I would've had some serious competition in the whining stakes. No FFS.

My Doctor has never ever taken a day off in her life.  She commenced 6 weeks holidays the week before I came down with man flu that morphed into simultaneous chest and sinus infections. FFS.

I had to go to a "no appointments necessary" clinic. There's a reason it's "no appointments necessary" - people die waiting for their turn, in the appropriately named waiting room.  FFS.

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While depleted by man flu, I've had trouble being arsed doing anything. Especially anything related to housework and parenting.  FFS-worthy examples:

No energy to produce impressive and healthy dinners.  So I cracked open a tin of baked beans (1 serve of veg there), cut up some carrot as the one and only side dish (2nd serve of veg there), slopped it on some toast (fibre, right there)....and felt like the worst mother in the world for following up a day of V8 fruit and veg juice and popcorn (without any salt or butter, to add insult to crap parenting) with such a poor attempt at dinner. FFS.

So I emptied the contents of their kiddy multi-vitamin and Omega 3 fish oil tablets on top of their baked beans for good measure. Mother of The Year. FFS.

In all seriousness, Jamie Oliver should take note - bugger trying to get healthier meals in schools.  Just provide them with powdered and/or liquefied kiddy vitamins and sprinkle it over the chips and nuggets. Job done. You're welcome.

Miss6 has worn the same uniform 3 days in a row. On the 3rd day I made her wear the tracksuit pants backwards in order to hide a stain on the legs.  FFS.

I figured that anyone who bothered to take note of the state of her uniform would easily be fooled by the relocation of the stain, and therefore have no clue that the poor child has worn the exact same clothes 3 days in a row.  I also gave her a liberal coating of body spray for good measure.

The only reason it's not 4 days in a row is because today is Friday and #1Hubby I have the weekend to wash. FFS.

On top of all of this, I've been receiving spammy text messages on my mobile phone.  That really shits me....especially when it's from my immediate family. FFS.
 
#1Nana has been tipsy-texting me from Vietnam. FFS.

Yes, I am being drunk texted by my mother. FFS
 
Can anyone say unfair role reversal? FFS

Thankfully, we haven't reached this level of intoxicated texting. Yet.
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It's not enough that their former travel agent daughter here has to plan and organise and book the most awesome junket ever...that I don't get to go on (FFS), but I also have to receive the blow-by-blow reports on how shitting awesome my holiday booking skills are....FFS....while I'm at home dying of man flu...FFS.

If I get one more bloody text message about $3 cocktails and 2 for 1 happy hours, casinos and shopping, I will crush up the bastard mobile phone and sprinkle it over her welcome home cookies. FFS.

And I'm only half kidding.  #1Nana once had an awful scarf do the rounds of her mates.  Nobody wanted it.  It was the gift that literally kept on giving, as it became the joke gift in their group.  When it came back to my Mum for the 3rd time, she cut it up and cooked it into a casserole and a cake, and served it up to the group.  She is all kinds of awesome, and it also served as a warning to never ever gift her shit (literal or metaphorical).




22 comments:

  1. awesome read, and I do not ant your man flu and any flu because alcohol is way too expensive here.

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  2. Word. I can't believe I spent more money on tissues and chocolate than I did on wine this week. I'm disgusted in myself.

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  3. Angela @SchoolofmumSeptember 7, 2012 at 8:20 AM

    Man Flu is serious business. Hope you feel better soon. Another entertaining read :-)

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  4. Your Mum is clearly awesome - scarf casserole and cake? GENIUS!
    Man flu sucks the big one - hope it buggers off soon!!

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  5. a prime example of how FFS lifts a standard, moany post about sickness into a literary masterpiece - hilarious as always.

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  6. I inherited all my good traits from her - sarcasm, wine dependence, cunning, shopping

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  7. Thank you, I too hope to recover soon - I miss my wine

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  8. Love those kiddy multi-vitamins, but can't believe you actually had those fish oil tablets!... You must be seriously unwell. Hope you feel better soon....

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  9. Man - it like totally sux to be you right now.
    Get well soon
    Mumabulous

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  10. Did your mother really cook up a scarf cake and casserole? I don't know if that is genius or madness, or madenius.

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  11. You can get an extra 2 days out of clothing if you're prepared to wear them inside out and inside-out back to front - not that I would ever do that!
    PS it works best with dark colours but don't try it if you have to pass the inspection of teenage girls - they see all.

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  12. I have. Even had an old lady at the supermarket helpfully advise me that my cardigan was inside out (duh...)

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  13. She surely did. One of my proudest daughter moments ever. And I'm going to go with madenius.

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  14. It surely does! Thank you, I intend to repair myself in a speedy manner so that I may return to my usual levels of wine consumption. I'm not nearly as much fun without it.

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  15. I crushed up the multi vitamin and sprinkled it in the baked beans, then squeezed the kiddy fish oil over the top. Thanks to the sickly sweet syrupy baked beans sauce it was easily disguised. I'm now off to buy more baked beans, since this is clearly a healthy dinner option

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  16. I'm going to put you down as a referee when I go for my next writing job, okay? Just say this sort of stuff.

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  17. Garnishing kids meals with multi-vitamins and fish oils??! Genius!
    Just do what it takes to get better, my dear but just don't be sending any of those nasty germs this way, 'k? :) x

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  18. you poor girl! I'm sure the kids would love these days when you can't even be bothered screaming at them!!!
    I've had a horrible season myself and when you think it's getting better someone else gets sick... AND: I had my man down with the flu... I rather be sick 10 times and over again than listening to those moaning sounds of whatever it is they get...and it always happens when the kids decide to sleep right through, you're tossing, turning and ALSO getting up during the night for the hot cup of tea, no milk, a dash of lemon and 2 teaspoons of sugar...I hope you got some sympathy - not saying help, by your #1Hubby...Get better soon xxx :-))

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  19. Baked beans are seriously underrated ... they don't have a lot of sugar (taste apparently deceptive) and a whole lot of fibre, I've used them as Mummy's magic vegetable more than once. My son school uniform HAS A WHITE COLLAR. WHY? OH PLEASE TELL ME WHY....

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  20. Really? I was feeling all kinds of guilty assuming they were full of sugar! I deserve a Nobel Prize in Parental Nutrition for such awesome sustenance provisions.

    Ohh...white!? I've looked at the various dark red / maroon / brownish type school uniform shirts and shuddered. Now I think I would rejoice. The powers that be who choose such awful colours are actually the smartest people in all the land - that awful colour hides most kiddy-carnage. I reckon those uniforms would be good for at least 3 days on average.

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  21. I hear you. The one saving grace from the dreaded man flu was that Hubby did not get it. I didn't have the energy to compete with him.

    I once got such severe food poisoning while on holiday in Asia, that I was bed-ridden, and delirious for 4 days, and required an IV. He had one bad meal and spent one night on the loo and claimed we'd suffered the same fate. Which really gave me the shits (heh, get it?) because he was reducing my mega virus to the level of his crappy (heh, get it?) little bout of food poisoning.

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  22. I'm normally such a sharer, a giver even. But in this case I will keep it to myself. Nobody wants to be that sneezing, snotting, diseased person that is staggering around the school yard, while other parents recoil and shudder.

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