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Friday, September 28, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Ruining my public image

I interrupt my usual random FFS!? style whining with a FFS!? Friday post dedicated solely to Wednesday morning and Miss6's school assembly.

It warrants a dedicated FFS!? Friday post because it received a Triple Face Palm rating from The Feral Threesome.  Observe:

I went to Miss6's school assembly for two reasons (certainly not because I'm one of those parents who participates and likes to be informed and stuff):

Firstly to elicit booze from minors.  Again.  Addressing the parents that were hardcore enough to remain at assembly after their kid had performed/collected an award, I made witty reference to the upcoming school holidays (FFS!? right there, school holidays start at 3pm today), and how I was positive they'd be stocking up on the good stuff in preparation; that I'm sure all the kids will be so well behaved they'll definitely have a few bottles left over for me.

Insert nervous laughter...


A few bottles left over for me to use in the school fete raffle, not specifically for my personal consumption. FFS.

While I did this the Twin Tornado were stuffing their face with the snacks I'd bought to distract them with, so that they wouldn't rush the stage and take me down.

My second public appearance came approximately 20 minutes later, when I returned to do my First Lady type duties as Vice President of the School P&C committee (the over-committed parents group that gets involved in every single aspect of the school and takes charge of the fundraising....refer to this post for details of how I was stupidly conned into such a role, being that I am not even close to one of those commendable, over-committed parents).

I had to thank the retiring school Registrar for her years of dedicated service.

She seems nice.  I've spoken to her once.  I had to ask her name before taking to the stage, to ensure I addressed her correctly.

I swear someone told me she'd been at the school for 30 years.

Dedicated, yo.

So I looked at her, all misty eyed.....and it sympathetic random teary eyes started. FFS!?

I can now confirm I do an awesome Gwyneth Platrow blubbering Oscar's acceptance speech impersonation. FFS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE WOMAN - but here I was fighting back tears, speaking with a clearly emotional voice, about her many years of dedicated service.  Thanking her for going above and beyond for the P&C and the school.  Saying how she will be missed after so many years of service and hard work.

Yeah...she'd been there no more than 3 years.

Not 30.


And the over-emotional tosser at the podium - IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL - lost all credibility earned with the witty jokes about enticing parents to give up their booze supplies for the upcoming school fete raffle. FFS.

It was like an out of body experience, witnessing my very own train wreck, unable to look away, unable to stop. FFS.

Now I'm not only seen as a wino (FFS), but a wino who has serious emotional issues (I repeat, FFS).

Of course I couldn't protest my innocence.

Retiring School Registrar just loved my passionate farewell.  She felt truly valued.

How was I supposed to say

"Oh my bad, sure you'll be missed, but not quite that much. I swear someone said you'd been here almost as long as I've been alive."

And also 

"And don't be thinking I'm going to miss you fiercely on account of the whole fighting back tears, and speaking with a voice thick with emotion....because that's just a nervous reaction for me.  Inspired by your own misty eyes.  Something that happens when someone wins a car on a game show, a cat is rescued from a tree, when I watch other people arguing or fighting - even Brooke and Ridge on The Bold & The Beautiful cue my emotional response and associated water works display."

Finishing up with

"So don't go feeling special or anything, okay?"

Explaining all of that, as tactfully and eloquently as I (would've) put it, most likely would've killed her buzz. FFS

So instead I will now be the parent that others visibly step to the side to avoid at school. FFS.
Should've taken my own advice and STFU. FFS

All the while, the food-less Twin Tornado had seized the opportunity to scream and laugh and play at the water fountain to the side of the undercroft while I was otherwise occupied.  They were having a great time, yelling "SHIT LIV! BAHAHAHA" "SHIT JJ! BAHAHAHA". FFS.

As I beat a hasty exit from the podium everyone watched as I collected said swearing toddlers.  Awesome.  Awesome and FFS. 

I bet I never get hassled to car pool or pick someone else's kids up after school. No play dates coming my way.

And, for the record, I was not even drunk.

But I totally get that you may feel the need to ask that question. FFS.


  1. hahahahaaaaa! I love you!
    I have that sympathetic nervous system lack of control too. Tears watching ads.
    Great post!!!

  2. LOL - thanks for providing laughs to get me going this morning - sorry they were at your expense !!!!
    Enjoy your drink tonight (or should that be at 3.30 ??)
    Have the best weekend and I hope the school holidays aren't too taxing !

  3. I'm nothing if not self deprecating. It would be tragic if nobody laughed.
    It will be 3:12pm to be precise. 3:08pm if traffic is good. Fingers crossed.
    I hope you have a fab weekend too, filled with your own beverage of choice!

  4. OMG yes, ads! They are bloody torturous! Especially toilet paper and tissue ads. Always so bloody emotional....

  5. Too funny, everyone's probably wondering what you would do for someone who was actually there for 30 years. Popping over from FYBF.

  6. Swearing toddlers were just the icing on the cake on that very, very special day.
    Thanks for this invaluable advice about school function etiquette. Enjoy the school holidays. Cheers Mumabulous

  7. Firstly I would like to say I am sitting here reading your post with my lil man on my lap.. who is playing peekaboo with your children in the picture...

    secondly... bless your cotton socks for getting the years mixed up.. an extra 0 will do that to you!! hahah!!

    Great FFS Friday edition!

  8. I laughed so hard reading this. I wish someone had video recorded the whole thing because that clip would be my go to for crappy days.
    And at least the swearing toddlers are pronouncing it properly now. Though that may not have been the best time for it.
    I assume you went home and had a drink?

  9. Hilarious! I just know I'm going to be that mum when my kids start school. Embrace it! The coolest kids always have the wino unhinged mumma's, right? x

  10. You need to come and hang at my school we can not stick out together!

  11. Hahahaha! Glad I'm not the only one who has meltdowns in public. Your heartwarming speech-giving ability will become legendary in that P&C now :)

  12. Tell me about it. Clearly someone felt sorry for me - the wine donations have already started coming in for the raffle.

  13. My kids are going to rock it, in that case.

  14. OMG, I could've been YouTube famous! I may have to do it again now.

    I went home, but I couldn't afford to have a drink just yet - not when I'd just asked them for booze for a raffle, followed by a display of unhinged emotional mess. To follow up with a drunken display wouldn't meant zero donations for our wine raffle. Other parents would've been convinced I was soliciting booze for my own use.

  15. I believe that is the sound the other parents were making behind my back, as I scurried away from the scene of the crime

  16. Oh bless, that is so cute.

    I saw the retiring Registrar today. She gave me an extra wink and nod. I'm sure she would've hugged me if she hadn't been at her desk, on the phone.

  17. Oh, Gwyennie, uh, I mean Georgia, it'll be okay. Parents will talk to you again...not!
    P.S Were you wearing a baby pink taffeta gown??? :) x

  18. Be invisible. Lurk in the background. For the love of vodka, don't ever volunteer.

  19. They'd probably expect a drunken lap dance.

  20. I've been grilling the parents who are friends like a woman possessed, they all swear they didn't notice. Lying bastards.

    I went for the understated look. No pink taffeta gown. I went more denim chic.

  21. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Am I totally terrible to be laughing at your misfortunes so hard? I read your blog all the time and it's always great; I just don't always comment because I'm usually on Internet Explorer and it won't let me do that (Mozilla Firefox is what I'm on now). Hahahaha! 3 years! That's fabulous. You never know, it might be a life-changing moment for the school registrar :).

  22. Oh thank you so much. Please do laugh, I have to get something out of it besides awkwardness.

    So glad you could comment - I believe you're not alone with the IE issues. Clearly Disqus' recent update just wants me to look totally unpopular.

    Retiring Registrat gave me a wink and an extra big smile today. Positive she would've hugged me if she hadn't been on the phone. We're tight now...

  23. I feel the need to inform you, that I totally just read this post to my husband so he too could laugh at you.
    You're welcome

  24. Friends for life!

    Anyway, to quote you, FFS! Nigellaspeak was supposed to be scheduled for next Friday, not tonight, so I've had to delete it (and that probably means your comment went with it). I'm sorry! It will be back next Friday, and it was showing that only one person had read it anyway as it had only appeared that minutes so I guess that means you had a totally exclusive Enid preview :_).

  25. OMG I love an exclusive sneak preview!

    I'll have to remember my comment for next week!

  26. I'm so glad. I'm all about bringing couples even closer together. Inspiring touching moments. All that shiz.

  27. OH gosh! So glad that you were able to sorta almost do the speech without losing it :)

    Your twins sounds just like our boys - we dont actually put our hands up for any more school roles - got really burnt doing the Tuckshop at one school!!

    Hope the school holidays go well, and hey maybe everyone will have forgotten about it by the time school goes back!

    And yeah I havent been able to comment lately either because I havent thought to try Firefox until tonight (my blond moment!)

  28. This really really made me laugh. Reminded me of a school assembly where a friend and I very proudly handed over a cheque to our local vicar for $17.50... we had raised the cash by holding a fun day. We were about 11 and SO proud of our efforts. He took the cheque and sad "Wow! $1,750! You've done so well girls!" and we had to say... 'Er, actually its $17.50..."

  29. Kelley @ magnetoboldtooSeptember 30, 2012 at 10:48 AM

    God I love you.

    And that picture? Fucking PRICELESS!

  30. It is a mutual love fest. Right back at you.

    I was positive I'd never ever have use for that bloody travel coffee mug. Turns out I do need to STFU sometimes. But only sometimes. Like, rarely.

  31. Oh bless. They say it's the thought that counts!

  32. Ahhh the tuckshop. My girlfriend is in charge of that monster. I laugh at her every day. Every day.


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