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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don't look under the bed: A pre-Halloween horror story

It's a lesson you learn from horror movies - whatever you do, don't look under the bed.

Or beds, in my case.

To recount my own personal horror movie scenario, let me set the scene...

It's a beautiful, warm, sunny Spring day.

I love Spring.

There's a gentle breeze, just perfect for quickly drying the thick flannelette winter sheets.

I start with Miss7's room.

I'm humming.

Gangnam Style has just been on TV for the bazillionth time and so I'm even busting a few horsey moves as I strip her bed.

All is good until  I move her bed away from the wall to put her clean sheets on.

That's when I notice the amassed tissues, Barbie Doll parts, hair bands and clips peeking out at me. 

I have two options:

Option A : Ignore it and push the bed back against the wall and finish making it.  Ignorance is bliss.

Option B : Be all stupid and get down on the floor, lift the valance, and actually look under the bed for the first time ever in a while.

Any sane person would go with Option A.

So obviously I went with Option B and dove under the bed, coughing up a lung as the dust attacked me for invading its previously untouched space.

W-T-ever loving F?!

It was like the aftermath of a mini flood tornado - debris everywhere.


This is in addition to the debris scattered over every surface of her room that I normally ignore, while grinding my teeth and swearing like a trooper under my breath.

I fill an entire garbage bag with the debris.

And that's only the stuff that qualifies as rubbish.

An hour later I've finished returning all the other stuff to its rightful homes/owners - including one pair of my own undies to my own room (I have no idea....).

Then, despite the trauma, I soldier on.  Because I am hard core, yo.

On to the Twin Tornado's room.

Same again with the sheet changing, only minus the Gangnaming.

Same again with the checking under their beds for the first time ever in a while.

No more humming.  Lots of muttered swear words instead.

Toy parts, food (I sincerely hope it was food....), dummies, clothes, a collection of pegs, DVDs, and piles of shredded paper and colouring in.  It's like a pair of ferrets or rats were nesting under there.

Another one and a half garbage bags full of crap.

Another dust storm endured.

Another hour returning everything else to where it belongs.

TOTALLY LIVID BY THIS POINT.  True to horror movie scary psychopath requirements, I am positive there's fire in my eyes.

Thankfully, I only have my own room left and so I won't have the same crime scenes to clean up while changing the sheets.

Or not.....

Clearly I created the mini-hoarders.

Or, rather, #1Hubby did.

There are old newspapers, random man socks, chocolate wrappers (possibly my only contribution to the epic dump site that's been living under my bed), pens, multiple dictionaries and a number of Inside Sport magazines circa 2008.

#1Hubby, unaware of my absence and swearing and slamming of things upstairs, innocently entered the room to ask if I had anything planned for lunch....

I broke out some moves that were not remotely Gangnam style.  They were moderately more menacing.

But only moderately.

Definitely horror movie worthy.

There was much yelling.  Multiple swear words.  Lots of ranting and raving.

If you don't believe me, just ask the neighbours.  The ones in the next suburb.

Learn from my experience.

Don't ever look under the bed.

It is as scary as any horror movie.

On the plus side, there will be no need to decorate my house for Halloween 2013.  I figure that the carnage will return in full force over the coming year, and I can simply usher the trick or treaters upstairs to the bedrooms and let them look under the beds for a truly shocking and frightening experience.


  1. Ba ha ha - love love love it. So sorry to take joy out of your horror story but so good to know I'm not the only one that lives on the same movie set - hey maybe we could get our own trailer complete with wine fridge.........

  2. Oh that's pure genius. I completely forgot my list of diva demands, for the movie set. A wine fridge whacked on 4 wheels (AKA a wine trailer) is a MUST!

  3. Hahaha. I agree, a very scary space indeed. My eldest had lost his Power Rangers Spin Sword (or whatever its called), it was missing for a month. Then I happened to be laying on my bedroom floor with baby girl, she rolled a ball under the bed, I reached under the valance... lego? Hand cream? Giant plastic shotgun? Spin sword? Hair clip? Ah... there's the ball. But I didn't actually look under there, I just collected my winnings and left the room!

    1. Oh score. I never thought about it all as winnings. Kind of like a lucky dip for the poor sucker who puts their hand under the beds! I may just start sprinkling macarons around under there, and mini wine bottles. Just so it's totally worth it for me to continue the cleaning in future.

  4. I really shouldn't read your blog at work because I get funny looks as I try to muffle the laughter !!!! Definitely more entertianing than a horror movie.
    Have the best day !

    1. Haha, thank you. I hope your day is full of awesome!

  5. Too had a loft bed with a crawl space. She said that is where she kept the RedHeads.

    I got MPS to clean it out when she left.


    1. Did you use industrial thickness rubber gloves? I'm thinking of investing in a set for myself. For next year when I remember to clean under the beds again.

  6. Another day, another domestic mystery. Perhaps a mini black hole lurks beneath the bed.

    1. Must be. I'm sure it's where all my flashy designer clothes and shoes have gone. And my Nanny and Cleaner. Down that black hole....

  7. Love the new do! Just wait until you see a mass of tissues under your 13 year old son's bed ...

    1. Thanks and ewwww. Just ewww. I hope you made HB dispose of said tissues. It is so very clearly a man's job....

  8. Love it :) We dont have any under beds to look at anymore :)
    But I so remember our second son's bedroom. We lived at Glasshouse Mountains for a year and he had a big double bed. One time I said "enough" and asked him to clean his room/under his bed up.
    He found a Green Frog on his floor...his younger brother put it there! And cause it was such a mess our second son never realised!

  9. i actually love looking under the bed because I am always surprised by what i find.. the day will come where it will be a horror story though.... x

  10. Without looking under my kids' bed I can tell you that you will find at least 5 apple cores and all the other socks.


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