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Friday, November 23, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Hot nurses, catheters and crap

Warning: This post is all kinds of TMI

As you know, I took a week off life to lull about in ICU.

I timed my toxic meltdown with my birthday.  I celebrated by sitting up and eating my first pureed meal in a week and coming to terms with pissing in a bag (which, for someone inherently lazy like me, was actually not so bad).  Go me!

Being in ICU meant I had a massive room full of machinery to myself, and a dedicated nurse that wasn't allowed to leave me alone.

Imagine my delight when a hot young male nurse with a delightful English accent showed up for the night shift one night.

He was quite lovely, nice and witty.

Did I mention he was also quite easy on the eye?

Tall, tanned, blonde, filling out his scrubs just so.

I can only imagine


For my part, I was offering up quite a visual feast too:
  • Hospital gown plastered to my body with a layer of sweat
  • Disposable hospital undies riding up my backside
  • Catheter suggestively snaking its way down between my legs
  • Sweaty, pallid complexion
  • Frizzy, sweat matted hair
  • That earthy scent one gets after sweating toxins for a few days with nothing more than the odd sponge down

I was dead sexy. Trust me.

So obviously we hit it off, being that we had so much in common.

I regaled him with tales of the Feral Threesome and #1Hubby.  He told me about his lovely wife.

Then it happened.

Then I felt that sudden urge.

I needed to go. Now.

STAT



Not while under the watchful eye of any of my previous nurses - who had all been female.

Of course I only needed to crap while under the care of the attractive male nurse.

The problem was, I was still under isolation because at that time they thought I may have had swine flu (Oh STFU....).

I had only one means of crapping - those chairs with a pan underneath.

It just screams class and dignity, right?

So I refused and demanded my witty and lovely nurse take me to the toilet that was just 15 seconds down the hall.

He reminds me that I was 'carded', which meant I was in total isolation and not allowed to leave the room.

I suggested he pop me in a wheelchair and whack a sheet over my head so everyone thought I was dead.

He liked the idea, but didn't think it'd work.

I flatly refused to crap in his presence.

Was it not enough that he was monitoring my wee every hour?

Wee that I was very quick to point out was at least 90% apple juice (since that's all I'd consumed besides water).



So he told me his worst poo story ever, in order to get me to loosen up.

Nothing doing.

I pointed out that I was already toxic, and it would be on his conscience when I imploded from the crap I was refusing to do.

It was a stalemate that went on for about an hour or so, punctuated by witty banter and Grey's Anatomy on TV.

Eventually a second option arose, and that was me shitting myself in the bed.

And so a solution had to be reached immediately.

My solution involved him going away to the other side of the hospital and sending in the oldest, gnarliest nurse in the history of the world, who could set up the required equipment and leave.  I would do my thing and then sufficiently layer the pan with origami style paper towel so that even the gnarly nurse wouldn't see a thing.  Then I would spray the entire chair and room with a full can of Glen 20, before re-positioning myself in my recliner chair to pretend it never happened.


This he finally agreed to.

Only because he too probably realised the only other option looming was me shitting myself in the bed.

So it was set up and of course then I had to wrench the disposable undies down, while still hooked up to 487 different machines, and with zero strength and every possibility I would pass out at any given moment, well and truly robbing me of any possible remaining dignity.

I'm pretty sure the dignity had long fled, but it was a facade I was tenuously trying to maintain.

It all worked, and the lovely nurse said it was the most pleasant poo he'd ever had to deal with.  Before changing my catheter bag.

Apple juice.

I'm a gracious and ladylike date like that.


20 comments:

  1. Hope you are feeling better! ICU definitely strips you of all of your dignity. Having a shower with 500 people watching definitely makes you feel awesome!

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  2. Wow.

    Just. Wow.

    Hope you're better - and thank you for the chuckle! xxxx

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  3. Thanks for a great story to start the day - I hope that you are feeling better really really soon and can poo in peace and quiet by yourself !!!
    Have the best day that you possibly can in your situation !
    Me

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  4. Gah! oh the indignity ... but I'm sure you gave him the best shi(f)t of his life :) Hope you're feeling better x

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  5. Your shittest blog post ever! Boom tish! I have some disposable undies from my beauty therapy days... perhaps I should send them to you since you're such a fan? x

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  6. Love it. Great writing George! Glad to hear you are feeling better.

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  7. He sounds like a real gentleman!! I can't believe you didn't get a photo of him!! Glad you are on the mend!!

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  8. You really should have videod all this so that we could all see him, and then made it out to be a greys anatomy episode. That's totes what I would have done. :)
    Really glad you didn't die. That would have sucked.

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  9. ICU is a bit like a maternity ward. Leave your Dignity at the door and pick it up on the way out! ;)
    Hope your feeling much better.

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  10. That was hysterical - you must be on the mend if you can put that much elaborate effort into a crap!
    After son number 2 was born via Cesarean, I was sitting there heaving green frothy morphine vomit into a plastic bucket like a dead set spunk rat, when my endocrinologist came in to have a serious discussion about my blood sugar. Which he proceeded to do while I hurled.
    xx

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  11. And I thought a woman didn't have any dignity left to lose after giving birth.

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  12. Oh dear, that sounds like quite an adventure... I love even more that you can laugh about it now!
    Glad you are feeling much better! x

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  13. Thank you, that was awesome. But I totally agree with Mumabulous, I lost what remained of my dignity when The kids were born. Doesn't stop me asking to be alone when on the toilet... But they ignore me anyway.

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  14. Wow, what a time you have had. I would not have wanted to crap myself in hot nurse's presence either. Reminds me of the time I cut my thumb open cooking (one of the reasons I don't cook all that much) and after driving myself past an ambulance station and to the furtherest emergency available (I'll blame that on loss of blood) I ended up getting stitiched up by the cutest doctor ever. I so wanted to keep cool. calm and collected that I refused to wince even when the local anaesthetic wore off mid-stitching - that freakin hurt! But his cuteness trumped the personal discomfort factor! Glad to hear that you are now on the mend, what a frightening situation.

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  15. Thanks for the laugh....and hope you are feeling better and pooing in peace :)

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  16. Oh no! I wouldn't have even wanted to have the discussion with him in the first place. Ah nurses, so undervalued!

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  17. I am pissing (apple juice) with laughter! That's what you get for getting too friendly with the gorgeous male nurse. At least your bowels are moving nicely now :) x

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  18. And why is this not a vlog? I had a male nurse last year after my hip op have to help manouvre me onto a bed pan (shudder) it was awful but I could take solace in the fact he was certainly NOT hot and it was only for a wee.
    Hope you are feeling heaps better x

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  19. damn the timing! Damn - how can male nurses be so good looking! Actually I had a male nurse (over 16 years ago) show me how to breastfeed my second son the "Right" way....by grabbing my Breast, grabbing my son and helping him to latch on. All of that in front of my hubby.
    Yeah the colour of red!
    But hey at least you could go to the toilet...and gee it sure makes me laugh!

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  20. Pleasant poo.

    That needs to be your taglne.

    Xx

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