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Monday, December 17, 2012

A few burning questions and Oompa Loompa fears

I’m about to embark upon a first.

My first spray tan.

I’m not entirely sure why, beyond the fact that #1Nana said she’d shout me, and I’m all about the freebies.

Perhaps she was blinded by my legs when I wore shorts for the first time this summer. 

Not my own. I'd accept these as they are hair-free and sporting a fine pedicure

I have a few options….

Do I flap my tuckshop arm wingspan while being sprayed, to ensure an even coating on all that…span?

Do I tuck and fold or lift and raise?

The Mummy Tummy, that is.

What I really, really want to do is wear a mask, go to a salon in a far reaching corner of the globe that I’ll never ever visit again, and have my spray tan done by a lovely, blind old lady who is not long for this earth, and will therefore never remember the horrors of my extensive and jiggly pasty white self, that she hasn’t even seen because she is blind.

Where can I get me one of those spray tans?

In reality, I will probably don my bestest undies (the least faded pair that comes close to matching a bra in a similar shade that isn’t from the maternity section of Big W).

If I could fine one of these all-covering babies, I would absolutely wear it and be happy with strips of tan on my limbs

I’ll crack ridiculously lame jokes like a drunk parrot for the duration.

Which will be quite a feat, considering I’ll be using my entire life force and concentration to suck my gut in, making it hard to crack lame jokes with much casual bravado.

Then I will die on the inside because someone other than #1Hubby has seen me in my undies.

Until then, I’ll continue to be consumed by the questions – to flap or not to flap? To tuck and fold or lift and raise?

Also, do I tip the poor girl?  I feel like she deserves a tip for what she is, no doubt, exposed to multiple times a day.

I’m quite positive, now that I think about it, that #1Nana has offered this up, not out of generosity in the spirit of the season of giving, but more out of a sadistic sense of humour because she knows just how anxious and worked up I’ll get, but won’t be able to knock it back since she’s paying.

Here’s hoping I don’t turn out like this:

Oompa Loompa Orange, so 90's

The Donald, slightly less orange but clearly very painful

Snooki, colour co-ordinating her tan with her eyebrows


  1. Bahahaha, that is hilarious! You are very brave! I wouldn't even attempt it. I was head bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding a few years ago and refused to get a fake tan - my natural tan lines in the strapless dress look ridiculous - maybe I should have done it!

  2. Some tips from a woman who has boldly gone before - they make you wear disposable paper undies so as to save your faded, saggy Target cheapies (you know the ones your husband really likes. Secondly don't wear white immediately after. Your clothing will end up like your child has gone to town with foundation on it. Thirdly it gets all over the bed sheets overnight and smells bad. In fact I'd recommend aborting the mission.

  3. Go for it!!!
    All you have to do in advance is exfoliate. Wear old and loose clothes, pref.dark and get it done in the morning so you can shower at night (you need at least 6-8 hours without washing).
    It's fun!!!
    Sonia :-)


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