Skippping to the final verse....
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I wish my family would give to meeeee...
12 bottles of boo-ooze
Outrageously expensive stuff. Nothing in cardboard.
11 dinner dates
A year. I would’ve gone for 12 so it’s once a month, but I’d rather maximise the booze.
9 friends who can’t seeeeeeeee...
the state of my house because they are blinded by the cask wine and therefore I don’t have to clean. Or buy expensive wine for them.
8 Casks of wine
For when I’m entertaining. So I don’t have to share my 12 bottles of outrageously expensive booze.
7 classy outfits
Ones without kiddy carnage. That don't require ironing.
6 holidays a year
Why not go for broke? I’m sure I can save up my good parenting for the alternate months that I’m at home.
5 Magic Mike cast members
For in-home entertainment superior to 3D TV
4 centimetre lift
Upwards in the boob region
3 well behaved kids
The same ones I already love and cherish, just minus the feralocity, shouting and whining.
2 monthly visits by a cleaner
One with forensics experience. Shit gets real ugly at Parental Parody palace.
Duh, what else? Maybe a George Clooney, but if I’m honest, I need the Nanny more than the George. Sorry, George.