My ideal 12 days of Christmas

 

 

Skippping to the final verse....

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I wish my family would give to meeeee...

12 bottles of boo-ooze

Outrageously expensive stuff. Nothing in cardboard.

11 dinner dates

A year. I would’ve gone for 12 so it’s once a month, but I’d rather maximise the booze.

10 macarons

Per week.

9 friends who can’t seeeeeeeee...

the state of my house because they are blinded by the cask wine and therefore I don’t have to clean. Or buy expensive wine for them.

8 Casks of wine

For when I’m entertaining. So I don’t have to share my 12 bottles of outrageously expensive booze.

7 classy outfits

Ones without kiddy carnage.  That don't require ironing.

6 holidays a year

Why not go for broke?  I’m sure I can save up my good parenting for the alternate months that I’m at home.

5 Magic Mike cast members

For in-home entertainment superior to 3D TV

4 centimetre lift

Upwards in the boob region

3 well behaved kids

The same ones I already love and cherish, just minus the feralocity, shouting and whining.

2 monthly visits by a cleaner

One with forensics experience. Shit gets real ugly at Parental Parody palace.

1 Nannyyyyyyy

Duh, what else?  Maybe a George Clooney, but if I’m honest, I need the Nanny more than the George. Sorry, George.