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Friday, March 15, 2013

FFS!? Friday : The Tooth Fairy edition


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So Miss7 lost another tooth.

It’s been wobbly for weeks.

I swear I threw up a little in my mouth each time she did that grotesque thing kids do where they push the tooth out at an angle with their tongue. FFS!?

So you’d think I’d be glad that bloody tooth finally fell out, right?

And I would be, if it wasn’t for the tooth fairy, FFS!?

Miss7 wrapped her tooth in a tissue and put it under her pillow.  I suggested she put in on her bedside table to make it super easy for the Tooth Fairy to find, but she said no, it has to go under her pillow.

Which only meant I was going to have to be extra stealth later that night when swapping tooth for coin.

Which only meant no more wine for me, as co-ordination is never my friend, even at the best and most sober of times. FFS!?

Of course this happened on the weekend, which meant Miss7 is allowed to stay up a bit later when there’s no school the next day.

Of course I was super extra inexplicably tired and falling asleep by 7pm.

I swear I got whiplash every time I nodded off and woke myself up. FFS!?

I tried to bribe Miss7 into bed.

I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, I bargained.

At one point we were locked in tense, United Nations worthy negotiations, which resulted in her agreeing to go to bed if I let her get a crazy crab. FFS!?



A parent is never so tired as when they have to stay awake.  FFS!? 


It was sheer torture for me, while Miss7 gleefully watched the Disney channel, full of energy and no sign of fatigue. FFS!?

I was rocking back and forth, chanting in my head “don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep…”  FFS!?

Finally, she let out a yawn and I leapt up and declared bed time.

Then I had to stay awake for HOURS to ensure I didn’t wake her and burst her childhood bubble where the Tooth Fairy is concerned, thus sending her into a downward spiral of suspicion and conspiracy theories and questioning the foundations of her entire childhood – Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny. FFS!?

Anyway I’m going to implement a new rule – the Tooth Fairy doesn’t do night shift anymore.  He’s joined the union and got a new workplace agreement that stipulates he only has to work a standard weekday roster.

Teeth to be left under pillows before school.

Because that way the Tooth Fairy will definitely be awake and sober to fulfil his duties.  No FFS!?

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Now I'm off to pull my own teeth out so that Mummy's Tooth Fairy will come visit




20 comments:

  1. Are you sure the tooth fairy is sober during school hours??!! My eldest got taught about the easter bunny at preschool I was hoping to let that one slide!! Who invented all these stupid things, how about the fairy that visits when you clean your toys and leaves a small choc egg??!!

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    1. I'm fairly confident, on account of all the random breath testing and risk of going for drink driving ;-)

      I've decided that, for her next tooth, I'm going to quietly toss a $2 coin in the room and she has to clean it the next morning, in order to find what the tooth fairy left her.

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  2. LOL!!! The tooth fairy has a particularly stressful job. Ours seems pretty dysfunctional and has forgotten to turn up a few times.....oooopps!!

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    1. I'm totally chuffed that I've remembered every time so far (which equates to a massive 3 times in total).

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  3. LOL!!!! Poor tooth fairy!!! Hope you caught up on some well deserved rest!!!

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    1. I'm working on it. I blame the union negotiations regarding the tooth fairy. They're completely taxing.

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  4. Ha ha. I can't remember how many times the tooth fairy was late for the money exchange at our house. Possibly because I forgot - but I'm not admitting anything.

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    1. Caught in traffic, I will bet you any money he was simply caught in traffic.

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  5. LOL!! No more loose teeth, mummy needs her bingo money for Vegas!

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    1. I know, right!?! At least it's a different currency, otherwise I'd have trouble parting with coins that could be slipped in a slot machine. I'd probably end up giving her a $5 note just to save pokie coins.

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  6. Oh god at least you stuck it out and succeeded! The Tooth Fairy is the one parental responsibility where I am most likely to fail.

    I can make a birthday cake in the likeness of any superhero you care to mention. I create easter egg hunts worthy of Sherlock Holmes complete with talcum powder paw-prints. And at our house Santa actually answers the letter you leave out with the beer and carrot for Rudolph.

    But can I remember to put $2 in a glass before I go to bed? No I fucking can't!

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    1. Fair's fair - they're getting a great deal with all the other holidays and celebratory figures. I think you can do away with the tooth fairy on account of all the extra effort you go to with the others!

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  7. Bahahahaha, love it! The tooth fairy often forgets to visit our house - because, as you know, she needs to visit the first time tooth 'losers' first and doesn't get time every night. Sometimes she doesn't get around to it for a couple of nights - lazy cow!

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    1. Just like Doctors, the Tooth Fairy can be heavily booked too.

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  8. We always forget the tooth fairy...I remember one time we forgot every night for three weeks - DAMN, yeah three weeks - still can't believe it!!
    That tooth cost us 10 bucks because the tooth fairy was making up for the time it was "Too Busy with other kids teeth to come". Guess we won the bad parents of the year award?
    And yeah I agree - after working in a Nursing home a person so should have false teeth...way easier to clean with Dementia Patients who have no idea why you are trying to clean there teeth!!

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    1. OMG gold - demetia patients warily watching you as you clean their dentures.

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  9. Hee hee what a crack up! It's like Santa and Easter Bunny, I crap myself trying to do! And that is a great idea coming in the day. As a kid we put our tooth in a small glass and in the morning it would have coins in it! SO AWESOME

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    1. I never even thought of using the glass of water storage option. That way it would definitely be easy to find in the dark.

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  10. LOL! And what did you end up giving her? $2? $10? That's the going rate these days, right? (Including CPI) :)

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    1. $2 only, because she refuses to save it or spend it on anything other than crap cheap discount shop lip gloss. OMG, I can't stand all that lip gloss being consumed. If she'd just agree to buy lollies with it instead, I'd probably bump up the rate ;-)

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