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Monday, March 11, 2013

Gardening for booze

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Naturally, all of my veg will resemble rudey bits

One single Friday night in front of the TV has inspired me.

A single 8 minute gardening segment on a home and living TV show (Better Homes and Gardens, for the Aussies), and I’m going all DIY organic and shit.

I’m composting my own compost (right?).

I’m drying the seeds from all the veg I force feed The Feral Threesome, so that I may reproduce it all in my humble vege patch.

In line with my green thumbedness, I plan to use the money I’ll be saving on something important and worthwhile.


What?  If I knew how to grow Vodka I would.

See, attempting to grow vodka. My very own hybrid / cross-breed

I picture a flourishing vege patch where my well behaved, clean, Mandarin speaking children happily pick snow peas and silverbeet to delicately snack on when they are in need of sustenance between violin lessons and swim team practice.

My husband will be tending the garden, muscles glistening from the effort of turning soil.

Clearly, #1Hubby's stunt double
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I will be inside getting hammered on all the extra Vodka in my liquor cabinet.

The last time I watched this same TV show (approximately 6 years ago), I decided we needed a DIY below ground fish pond in our teeny tiny courtyard.

What Jamie Durie did in one 10 minute segment, I did in THREE BLOODY MONTHS.

My pond never hosted a single goldfish.

Or water.

After two years it was removed and replaced with a sandpit for the kids.

So I’m taking bets on how long it will take me to kill the vege patch, replacing it with a fetching collection of weedus maximus, thus ruining my current dreams and visions?

I just knew I should’ve stuck with my usual Friday night routine of necking wine while watching The Real Housewives of all the world….

Still, I will persevere.  Because it's all about the vodka kids.

If all else fails, I will learn the cultured art of hedge shaping

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  1. I just can't help but wonder what other stunts your hubby's double steps in for.

  2. Isn't vodka made from potatoes? I'm pretty sure it is. Growing potatoes is easy, fun for the kids and I'm sure learning to distill is just as rewarding as learning how to make preserves.

  3. Haha, love it. I start veggie patches quite regularly and never see them through to fruition. I do however have some very healthy fruit trees that are giving us our first harvest this year - stick with the fruit trees and maybe a few of your most commonly used herbs. Although, if hubby's stunt double will be helping out regularly maybe just change the whole back yard into one giant veggie patch?

    1. Same Emma - I plan it, I design it, I send hubby off to Bunnings to buy all the things....and then he spends an entire Sunday organising it while I get shitty about having to manage the kids all day on my own.

      And then it gets watered maybe 3 times and I wonder why nothing sprouts or grows....

      As for stunt hubby, I'm prepared to demolish the house and live in a tent, in return for a whole block of veggie patch!

  4. Oh my gosh, can I borrow your hubby double...we don't have a veggie patch nor do we have anywhere to make one, but I am sure I could use him for much needed repairs around our Motorhome! Gee I love those hedges :)

    1. Definitely. I will share him when I'm finished with him. He may be a little worn out!

  5. Im no expert, but I believe you just made an excellent point. You certainly fully understand what youre speaking about, and I can truly get behind that. global hegn


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