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Monday, April 8, 2013

An open letter to Jerry Springer



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Raise the roof, Jerry


Dear Jerry

What up, yo?!

I'm sorry, it's been a while since we had all the cable TV stations and received your awesomeness for free.  We're far too cheap to pay for it now that it's on a premium package, and so I have no clue if I'm still up with the lingo or if it's all changed, you feel me?

So I'll cut straight to the point, Jerry.

You need me.

But not just me, my entire family.

Forget the stripper pole and tossing beads at anything with boobs / man boobs.

Here's what I'm offering:

Mstr4 - he is planning on marrying both me and #1Nana.  My mother, his grandmother.  This is your 'two-fer', Jerry.  Bigamy and at least one other illegality, I'm certain.

Miss4 - that girl will make your foulest mouthed guest blush.  And give your beep-sensor button pusher a coronary.  She's good for pepping things up if they get a little too conciliatory or quiet.  I will even dress her in a T shirt that reads MINI MOFO.

Oh, I forgot to mention - she also believes she came out of her grandfather's tummy.  Like, for reals.  She's convinced that she and Mstr4 were actually triplets, and there's still a kid left in there.

Miss7 - I'll be honest with you here, Jerry.  She's got nothing.  She's probably the most normal of the lot.  But she does often emit squeals akin to a strangled penguin when she gets excited.  We're not sure why.  I'm banking on the hype of the experience sending her into rapturous fits of random squealing.  Think of it as your background soundtrack.

She will also lay the smack down on her sister, WWF style.  If you wanted to replace the stripper pole with a small, padded (safety first, Jerry) boxing ring, I guarantee they won't disappoint.  Steve can surely separate them should it get too physical.  Maybe give him a cup to wear, because my girls know where to aim, if you know what I mean.

#1Pop - he's purely window dressing.  He has a cracker of a dry, sarcastic sense of humour, but you may need to ply him with alcohol to get him warmed up.  I suggest you stock up on Creme De Menthe.  It's that or chocolate which will induce a diabetic coma.  I'm okay with that option too, as I'm sure you have a Medic in house, right?

#1Nana - give her wine and set her loose.  Just be ready to receive your share of motherly wisdom and insight too, Jerry.  She is really good at pointing out your shortcomings in totally covert and subtle ways after a few glasses of red.  In fact, if you were ever planning on taking some time off, she could fill in for you.

#1Brother - oh Jerry, you will love him.  He comes complete with tales of near death experiences.  Including by fishing line (dangled loosely around his neck, he had to gnaw through it with his teeth before the killer wave lapped up against his boat and rocked it gently, nudging him into the water), or the time he got shot by a ricochetting bullet (grazed his leg, minor wound - suffice to stay that he was stupid enough to attempt to continue working, inconspicuously sweeping his way between the path of 2 armed, fighting men - fail).

#1Hubby - he was always a light weight.  An agreeable sort.  But then I wore him down and after over 15 years around my family, he's become one of us.  He could bitch and moan for both Australia and America.  You name it, he can complain about it.  Topics of choice include football, cricket, drugs in sport, manscaping, household expenditure, and our kids.  Wind him up, set him off, and watch him go, Jerry.  He's very passionate when he thinks he's right.

Me - I am perfect.  I am merely the agent bringing this opportunity to your doorstep.  You're welcome.

You see, we really want to do Vegas, and maybe Disneyland for the kids.

I heard you pay to fly your guests over.

How about it, Jerry?

Don't make me go to Maury Povich.....

Dr Phil is too 'vanilla' and judgey.



2 comments:

  1. Bahahahahah love it!!! We should get your Miss4 and my Master4 together - he is quite partial to the f bomb!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. OH my gosh...if you get on Jerry Springer how can I arrange to watch it considering we don't have a TV :)
    But gee wouldn't it be good to go to Disney world...maybe I could tag along, after all you need someone to carry your bags!!!

    ReplyDelete

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