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Friday, April 12, 2013

FFS!? Friday : I don't have a dishwasher




I am possibly the only person in the developed world who doesn't have a dishwasher.  FFS!?

I have been offered one, but I couldn't possibly bring myself to part with my extensive collection of take away containers to make space under the kichen bench for it.  FFS!?

I hate seeing dirty dishes lying around.

Now, before my family interject here - I hate seeing dirty dishes in the sink.  That doesn't mean I spring into action to wash them.  Not when I can walk past them multiple times a day and revel in some bitter, pissy muttering under my breath every time I see them.

I also have kids who must use a fresh plate for every food item.  Be it a sandwich, a multivitamin, a Tic Tac or a cup of milk that will only be drunk if presented on top of the plate.  FFS!?

Unless we're in Bali, in which case Macca's can be eaten from the home delivery bag in which it came, the fist of a sibling who wasn't quick enough to down their burger, or the pathway outside their hotel room where a stray french fry has been spotted.

Hey, don't judge - what happens in Bali, stays in Bali.

But here at home, suffice to say I am forever washing the same set of bloody dishes.  FFS!?

It shits me no end.  No end, I tell you.

It also means I can no longer pursue my dream career as a hand model, on account of the dish water hands I am left with.  FFS!?

Because that would have to be the easiest modelling career in the world, right?  Travelling the globe attached to some big muscly rock star, putting in the odd 2 hour day flashing my digits for Tiffany & Co or Palmolive or whoever.  But I digress.... 

The Twin Tornado have identical plates.  Which you'd think makes things easier - but you'd be wrong.

They constantly fight over who has which plate.  FFS!?

They refuse to choose different plates that would be easily identifiable.  FFS!?

This week their dish discernment came to a head.

I was preparing their post-breakfast multivitamin, and of course, The Twin Tornado would only consume their one single Vita Gummies supplement from their plates.

One plate located, the other.....missingFFS!?

Cue massive fights over whose plate was present and whose plate was unaccounted for.  The identical plates, that is.  FFS!?

I shit you not when I say that we spent AN ENTIRE BLOODY MORNING and half the afternoon searching for the missing plate.  FFS!?

WTF?!  Where could it possibly go?  It was used less than an hour before its disappearance.  FFS!?

I searched far and wide.  Near and far.  Up and down.  Inside and outside.  That bastard plate was nowhere.  FFS!?

There was a Mexican standoff as both twins attempted to claim ownership of the one plate, refusing all others.

I tried not to lose my shit over the fact that they hadn't eaten their multi vitamin and therefore their brains were slowly dying from the lack of Omega 3, and it would be mere minutes before they succumbed to some deadly virus on account of their immune systems suffering from the lack of Vitamin C and A and B and E, and also F and U and C and K.  FFS!?

Finally, shitted / shat / shited to the max, I decided to take them shopping to buy a new plate each.  It was the only way to simultaneously shut them the hell up and get them to eat.  While also procuring a much needed flat white and some sushi for my own essential Omega 3 consumption and maybe a spot of window shopping and oh wow, are those boots on sale?

So I let the now cold and disgusting dish water out of the sink, which had been abandoned following the morning's dishes and the ensuing mass hysteria at the end of the world as we know it on account of the missing melamine zoo animal plate.

Son of a....

Guess where the other plate was?  FFS!?

This would not have happened if I had a dishwasher.  FFS!?


Image Credit


27 comments:

  1. We also don't have a dishwasher, and I am currently avoiding my kitchen by reading blogs. It's the only option really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn these open plan kitchen / dining areas - I can't possibly avoid mine, no matter how hard I try.

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  2. You have my complete and total sympathy - I don't know how I would manage without a dishwasher. Now to see if I can get A and K to actually put the dishes INSIDE the dishwasher and not ON TOP of the dishwasher !!
    Have the best weekend !
    Me
    PS - now you have two matching plates that they can fight over !

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    Replies
    1. I feel slightly better about not having a dishwasher knowing that it comes with its own chores and issues.

      Delete
  3. I do have a dishwasher and will spend 20 minutes rearranging it to make everything fit so I don't have to hand wash. Truth is, it often is quicker to hand wash than try and fit that final tea cup into the top rack without losing the balance. Sometimes I overfill it so much that stuff doesn't get clean, which should mean I then hand wash those bits, but no. I will just press "go" again in the hope that magic will happen. I spend a large part of my day avoiding hand washing. Because just like you, my dream is to be a (Deep Fried )hand model ;)
    Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit

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    Replies
    1. I would be exactly like that too. Exactly. I'm all about symmetry, so I would need a dishwasher that allowed for symmetrical dish placement.

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  4. That reminds of the time I spent looking for my special towel ... that I was sure was on the bathroom rail only moments before ... it was another 5 minutes before I realised I had indeed WRAPPED IT AROUND MY OWN HEAD. But half a day?! Our dishwasher died 2 weeks ago, and we haven't had it repaired yet - but I think the moral of your story is, I must do it IMMEDIATELY. Thanks for the warning :)

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    Replies
    1. That is gold. And completely something I would do too.

      Yes, it truly was half a day. Punctuated by breaks for me to sit down and whine and get lost in Twitter and Facebook.

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  5. Bahaha, I miss having a dishwasher so much. Dishes are my most hated chore, but our little granny flat doesn't have room for one

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    Replies
    1. On the plus side - you say "little granny flat", so your cleaning floor space can't be too massive. Plus side, yes? Right? I'm trying....

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  6. Just love this post, gave me a giggle (sorry) I may not have missing plates anymore thanks to my beloved dish washer however I have put the most peculiar things into said dish washer when my brain is of with the fairies or trying to stop a sibling war LOL

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    Replies
    1. See now I want to know what weird things you've put in your dishwasher, and which have come through the rinse cycle unscathed!

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  7. Darlin' you are not alone. I have never have a dishwasher either....until we moved into our new place. And, you guessed it, it has STILL not been connected by our electrician (who just happens to be the slowest in the world!)

    So there it sits, in the middle of my kitchen. Taking up precious space and taunting me. So near but still so far. I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you didn't insist on moving to the middle of nowhere, I'm certain an electrician would've come to your rescue by now!

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  8. Feeling your pain - I HATE doing dishes. We're currently looking at moving to another rental property but I'm refusing to move unless the new house has a dishwasher. I don't care if it has no heating... As long as it has a dishwasher!!

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  9. You don't have a dishwasher? FFS! I wouldn't survive without ours. I don't run it right away, but at least I don't have to look at the dirty dishes on the bench!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can quite easily ignore anything that's not in my line of sight. I would do a loaded and stinky dishwasher justice.

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  10. I fucking hate the way things disappear within half an hour of using them. What is with that! We have a dishwasher and there are still dirty dishes oiled in my sink. Apparently putting them in the dishwasher is a step too hard in this house!

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    Replies
    1. I just know that my family would be all "but Muuum, it's too hard opening the door and fitting the dishes in and then closing it again..ugh...!"

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  11. I have a handy dandy dishwasher, that is smaller than regulation size and shoved into a tidy little spot under the bench. You know what- I have to be very careful sliding the lower drawer in or, bam- chipped plates. And I haz them. But I do not have twins. *wipes brow*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can easily live with chipped plates for the right dodgy half arsed machine.

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  12. We finally got a dishwasher after 26 years of marriage and with three grown up kids. Still doesn't load itself and my university educated (one with a Dean's scholar's award) can't seem to get the logic of loading it the right way. But I suppose at least they don't fight over plates any more.

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    Replies
    1. Egads...I'm only up to 14 years of marriage, and you're telling me I have another 12 years to wait for the 'major electrical appliance' gift?

      Delete
  13. I love your FFS, I have to say I would beg, scrimp and possibly even go without alcohol to get a dishwasher if I didn't have one, okay the no booze is dramatic but you catch my drift!

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    Replies
    1. Shut your mouth - I will never forego alcohol for that. Not when the kids are mere months off being correctly trained to BE the dishwashers!

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  14. Hey I so miss my dishwasher...I would love one in our Motorhome but there is no room for it!
    And yeah our boys use new plates for everything, new cups every time they have a drink of water, and leave plates/bowls laying around with almost finished food so when I find it the food is dried on :(
    I would love a Housemaid!!

    ReplyDelete

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