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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Solo parenting is like fighting a war without an army

Extended title : Shit that only ever happens while #1Hubby is away for work and totally explains why I buy my wine by the cask.

Hubby away?  Better get a couple

There's no denying the up-side to #1Hubby going away for work.

Less mess - dishes, laundry.

No sharing - bed, TV remote.

Nobody to judge and/or protest if I declare baked beans a suitable vege-filled dinner. Again.

However, there's also a massive down-side  :  Solo parenting.

That shit is hard, and as I've whined said before, I am in awe of single parents, military parents, fly in-fly out parents, and pretty much anyone who does it solo either permanently or for frequent and extended periods of time.

I would surely be a raging alcoholic (shut up) and babbling idiot (shut up) within months, if I had to take on The Feral Threesome solo for more than a week or 2.

That's largely because The Feral Threesome are shit hot at math.  Specifically ratios.

1 (parent) : 3 (kids)

It's never going to go my way.  And so they attack on various fronts.

Image Credit

Fighting  :  Shit gets physical, yo

All previously brokered peace is shattered.

Sibling warfare breaks out and a state of emergency is declared.

We're talking synchronised slap fighting at regular periods throughout the day.

Followed by make up hugs that turn into head locks.

I freak out if they are within arm's reach of each other.

Structural damage  :  Nothing is safe

Just when you've got them safely separated as far away from each other as possible, they'll launch simultaneous surprise spot attacks on tangible objects within reach.

Mstr4 will draw on the walls in the toy room (which he's not done since he was a Mstr2).

Miss7 will be drag queening herself up with the entire contents of my make up collection upstairs (opting for my Revlon over her $2 shop collection).

Miss4, who went outside to jump on the trampoline, is actually ripping the heads off all the flowers.  Eating those which are deigned edible by whatever scale a 4 year old uses.  In the rain.

Illusions  :  It's all about the smoke and mirrors

#1Hubby calls each night and they are all silence, sweetness and light.  Not a swear word out of them.

I look like the whiney (shut up) and overly dramatic (shut up) crazy woman (shut up) who can't cope with three little angels who are all bleating declarations of love to their father over speaker phone, while I shoot them a collective death stare.

As soon as #1Hubby hangs up, the angelic bleating turns to hyped screams.


Combined assault  :  A team effort

Mstr4 will immediately drop to the floor doing 'the worm' while disrobing - only it's not an impromptu dance off or solo flash mob - it's a full blown tantrum because he didn't get to say goodnight to Daddy last.

Miss4 will dive on top of him (with a sneaky dropped elbow) and start licking him, just to ensure his tantrum escalates, while laughing like a maniac.

Miss7 will start making weird strangled penguin noises purely because she's the only silent one and knows better than to shout swear words.

All in less time than it takes #1Hubby to put the phone away, flick on the TV and peruse the room service menu in his silent hotel haven.

Hunger Protests  :  I'm starving but I'm not eating that

All three will be eternally starving from the second #1Hubby walks out the door until he returns - but will refuse pretty much everything they've regularly enjoyed until that point.

Even baked beans.

At this stage, they'd probably refuse Macca's just to shit me.

Injuries  :  WTF is that?  How did it happen?

Random unexplained injuries.  The kind that only ever happen on my watch.

Last week, Mstr4 woke up with a sizeable scratch on his forehead, which I figured was just a self inflicted sleep wound.

No matter, he wasn't bothered.
TWO DAYS LATER, it took an actual good mother at school to point out that there was a decent bruise accompanying the scratch.

Of course it was still there when #1Hubby got home late on Friday night.

Of course he spotted it in the darkened room when he snuck in to see them (and no doubt check for injuries such as this one).

Of course now Mstr4 is suddenly bothered and is all "owww Daddy, it really really hurts".

Conspiring  :  External forces join in

A major electrical appliance almost always fails while #1Hubby is away.  TV, microwave, coffee machine - something critically essential like that.

Last week it was the car.  But I'm saving the horrific details of that one for this week's FFS!? Friday post.

School often joins in on the shit storm by declaring a last minute project of some sort.

And canteen duty.  My first shift ever.  I nailed it, and that one I'm saving for next week when I'm more gloaty than ranty - so that I may share with you my awesome efforts in true braggy style.

It will also rain, regardless of the time of year or the season.

Like it did last week for the first time in months.  Rendering us house bound and car-less.  Even Mother Nature can be a Mother-something-else when #1Hubby's away.

And #1Hubby wonders why I don't greet him at the door upon his return home with a three course dinner, clean house and enthusiastic promises of wifely duties.


  1. PMSL - so I take it that you don't greet him with lipstick on either ???????????
    Oh man, I only have to read your blog to make me realise just how lucky I am - your work here is done !!!
    Have the best evening that you possibly can - and don't be afraid to call on re-inforcements if you need them !!!

    1. More of a grunt and a "heads up!" as I hurl the kids at him.

  2. You have a blog label called 'more tired than a hooker doing a double shift'?!? I think we've all been there (and not the Hollywood Julia Roberts hooker version either).
    You are failing at motherhood and wifedom - FFS lady, tidy up the children and put a bow in your hair!!!! *removes tongue from cheek* :)

    1. That blog label was the only way I felt that I could adequately convey the level of tiredness.

      I am an absolute failure...I seriously need a chef, cleaner, nanny etc. ;-)

  3. I am solo parenting this week. To ONE child. I have already called in grand parent reinforcements. In my defense, the child did ask for the g-parents to come over... so it totally doesn't count as cheating.

    1. But you are up the duff and can't drink to get over it all. You win.

  4. Bahahahaha, this is all so true - I don't solo parent often but when I do, shit it's hard! Worse than the solo parenting for me though is the nights they know daddy is coming home but not until they are going to be asleep - well, it's like they haven't seen him for a month - "I miiiiiisss Daaaaaadddyyyyyy, will he come and see me when he gets home, how long will he be, I want Daddy...." It's never ending. I can never get anyone to bed on time when he works late. When he's actually away bedtime is much easier - the quicker they go to sleep the closer it is to the day he's coming home!

    1. p.s. I am thinking it is definitely time for me to hit the sack - I just had to "prove I was not a robot" six times before I managed to get the damn thing right!

    2. OMG yes! They are all "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" when he's not here - and all over him when he gets home. #1Hubby looks at me like I'm a crazy woman who can't keep her shit together, because why would I ever claim these lovely, enthusiastic, caring kids are remotely troublesome? Mini MoFo's....

  5. I admire single parents! I really don't know how they do...even if Hubby makes most of the mess that I have to clean up, its worth to have the help!
    And yeah my kids are so like your kids when there grandparents are around - so many things hurt when Grandma/Grandad turn up, they wont anything I cook (unless said Grandparents cook it), and make it look like I am the worst Mother in the world!
    I so love it when hubby comes home from work every night - its the only time I look at the Clock....waiting for 5.00pm so that I can have time out even if its only for a cup of coffee!

    1. You say cup of tea, I say cup of vodka - either way, that old saying "it's 5.00pm somewhere in the world..." rings true ;-)

  6. OMG, I totally feel your pain! Solo parenting sucks! I hate it when R is away and you can guarantee that all sorts of things will happen that would never happen when he is here. Chai gets up to all sorts of mischief and strange things break. I'm sure the universe goes "her husband is away", let's make things interesting!

    Glad you managed to survive!

    1. #1Hubby rarely has to solo-parent. Only when I attend week long (shutup shutup shutup) blogging conferences. Of course the kids behave while I'm gone. Of course #1Nana arrives to help him. Of course I've prepared a week's nutritious dinners in advance so he doesn't have to cook. Of course I've got enough clothes / school uniforms ready so he doesn't have to wash.....OF COURSE HE CLAIMS SOLO PARENTING IS A BREEZE AND HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I FIND IT SOOOOO HARD.


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