The Feral Threesome have always attended swimming lessons. Usually once a week during school terms, until I got wise to the fact that I could compact that torturous waiting around sniffing chlorine into a single week during the school holidays.
And so I've spent this week hanging at the local indoor pool for 2 hours a day.
I'm positively high and headachey by the time I get out into the fresh air again.
While sitting and waiting, I've made a few astute observations about swimming lessons and the public pool.
1a. Lifeguards are nothing like stripper calendars or Baywatch.
|Image Credit and my new favourite website|
1b. They are almost always weedy teenage boys who I suspect shave and fake tan their legs in an attempt to look like these guys.
|Image Credit and as if I'd assault your vision with anything other than six packs and pecs|
2. Every single child pisses in the showers. They're all in there post lesson being washed and rinsed by their mothers, and the water pooling around the drain is decidedly....yellow. For this reason I am going to start campaigning for a lap pool down the side of our place so that I may ensure there is no chance of stepping in the wee of someone I am not genetically linked to.
3. The entry and exit is always strategically located near the junk-filled Cafe. If the over-priced crap coffee doesn't get the parents on the way in, the lollies and hot chips will get the starving kids on the way out. It's like running the gauntlet, responding to pleas for hot chips with promises of vegetable sticks back at home...
4. Gym instructors assume the persona of a military Drill Sergeant when they don the aqua aerobics head set. The amplification goes to their head and they bark out instructions to a dozen elderly ladies who are more interested in ensuring their perms aren't getting wet. Wasted effort. Missed calling.
5. Your kids will never be quite so happy to stand completely still and zone out as when you're paying someone else $24 for that hour of their time and supervision.
6. Your kids will always be in a class with the kid who has a permanent snot stream trailing from his nose to his mouth. They will laugh and encourage him when he licks it.
7. Upon completion of your lessons, the instructor will inform you that your kid would have passed, if only they'd had another couple of lessons. And so you will be forced to pay for the extra week. Which they won't quite pass. Stay tuned for next school holidays. Come in sucker.