The Feral Threesome have always attended swimming lessons. Usually once a week during school terms, until I got wise to the fact that I could compact that torturous waiting around sniffing chlorine into a single week during the school holidays.
And so I've spent this week hanging at the local indoor pool for 2 hours a day.
I'm positively high and headachey by the time I get out into the fresh air again.
While sitting and waiting, I've made a few astute observations about swimming lessons and the public pool.
1a. Lifeguards are nothing like stripper calendars or Baywatch.
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| Image Credit and my new favourite website |
1b. They are almost always weedy teenage boys who I suspect shave and fake tan their legs in an attempt to look like these guys.
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| Image Credit and as if I'd assault your vision with anything other than six packs and pecs |
2. Every single child pisses in the showers. They're all in there post lesson being washed and rinsed by their mothers, and the water pooling around the drain is decidedly....yellow. For this reason I am going to start campaigning for a lap pool down the side of our place so that I may ensure there is no chance of stepping in the wee of someone I am not genetically linked to.
3. The entry and exit is always strategically located near the junk-filled Cafe. If the over-priced crap coffee doesn't get the parents on the way in, the lollies and hot chips will get the starving kids on the way out. It's like running the gauntlet, responding to pleas for hot chips with promises of vegetable sticks back at home...
4. Gym instructors assume the persona of a military Drill Sergeant when they don the aqua aerobics head set. The amplification goes to their head and they bark out instructions to a dozen elderly ladies who are more interested in ensuring their perms aren't getting wet. Wasted effort. Missed calling.
5. Your kids will never be quite so happy to stand completely still and zone out as when you're paying someone else $24 for that hour of their time and supervision.
6. Your kids will always be in a class with the kid who has a permanent snot stream trailing from his nose to his mouth. They will laugh and encourage him when he licks it.
7. Upon completion of your lessons, the instructor will inform you that your kid would have passed, if only they'd had another couple of lessons. And so you will be forced to pay for the extra week. Which they won't quite pass. Stay tuned for next school holidays. Come in sucker.
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Of course the kids pee in the showers.Learning to swim involves swallowing lots of water and you're not supposed to pee in the pool so where else are you supposed to go?
ReplyDeleteShudder. I was chatting to a Dad from school whose daughter is in my Miss7's class, and has her lesson right before ours. He made a statement to the effect of "well of course they all pee in the pool". I then watched the Twin Tornado gulp that pool water down like they were dehydrated. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteLOL - that is why there is always so much chlorine - to try to counteract all the pee in the pool !!!!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the rest of your holidays !!!
Me
Thank you, thank you for brightening my field of vision this lamentably long school holiday day. My girls' swimming lessons aren't so bad. There used to be some ACTUAL candy teaching them to swim. Now, there's at least hope to keep me turning up.
ReplyDeleteThere is always at least one snot stream kid!! As a swimming teacher it was one of the worst parts of the job! Plus when they emerge from being underwater and spit out their air and whatever water in their mouth right into your face!!! I always told the kids in my class that people pee in the water whenever I see them with a mouthful!! That freaks them out enough to never do it again.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, you've got to stop writing about your children's swimming classes and putting up photos of friggin' iron board abs in the same post!!!
ReplyDeleteI've had to read the post like 3 times over due to lack of concentration!!!
Our swimming lessons are a nightmare every week. I don't even know why we bother. And I'm sorry, those showers - all of them - are foul. Ugh.
we haven't done swimming lesson as such, we let our boys swim with floating devices and then they sorta learn as they getting more confident.
ReplyDeleteBut I do know how expensive the food is at the pools - I swear they see us Mums coming and say "Sucker"!!!
Yellow wee in the shower...better than the pool I guess, or are they doing it in the pool as well :)
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