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Friday, June 28, 2013

FFS!? Friday : Being popular isn't all it's cracked up to be

And also

I couldn't choose between the two, so you get both.

On to today's FFS!? worthy whine.

I am at the top of the parenting totem pole in our family.

And that, my friends, is a massive FFS!?

Daily, I have to referee arguments over who sits next to me at dinner time.  FFS!?

We had to set up a rotating roster, and it goes like this:

If Miss7 is sitting next to me, then Miss4 must be on the side, and Mstr4 must be opposite.

Miss4 is to be consoled over her inferior spot by using the coveted purple plastic spoon, which she will wave in her sister's direction by way of bragging - thus catching me in the 'cross fires' sitting between them, and spraying me with food debris.  FFS!?

In addition to the special spoon, I must stretch out and hold her hand through at least half of the meal.

Which makes it almost impossible to eat anything that requires both hands.  FFS!?

I have been known to wear more of my food than I have consumed, via face planting my plate as I reach across to hold her hand.  FFS!?

In return for his own inferior seating placement, I must play footsies with Mstr4, seated opposite me, for the entire duration of the meal.

Holding your feet in the air for that long hurts like a bitch.  FFS!?

Of course he is the slowest eater in the family.  FFS!?

I swear to Vodka I can see my calf muscles getting bigger by the day, and fear it is just a matter of weeks until they overtake my generous thighs.  My legs will resemble a set of linked frankfurts.  FFS!?

Following dinner is shower time.

Again with the fighting over who gets to stand next to me.

Mstr4 will attempt to wee on my feet if he is not in his chosen position.  FFS!?

Regardless of their location, I always end up just shy of the water, with my backside regularly making contact with the arctic cold tiles on the wall.  FFS!?

Pre-bed time stories and cuddles take place in my bed, and are the source of some of the biggest fighting of all over who sits next to me and who sits on top of me.  FFS!?

One poor, neglected child is left to fend for themselves on their father's side of the bed, shooting me the death stare while playing the guilt card by claiming I don't like them on account of the lack of skin to skin contact.  FFS!?

Miss4 is a licker.  She will inevitably be bored by the book or TV offerings and start licking whichever part of my person is closest to her.  FFS!?

I will be sitting up in bed with my legs at right angles, as the 2 shunned children who didn't score the top spot next to me, fight to sit between my legs.  FFS!?

My legs are virtually at right angles.  Olympic gymnasts would be impressed.  I, however, spend the rest of the night limping around in pain, legs askew, looking like I've just finished a very long horse ride.  FFS!?

Don't even get me started on toilet time....

One must stand in my face and enquire what I'm doing.  Another will stand at the ready with the toilet paper.  The third is banging on the door, whining about why they weren't allowed in to the already cramped toilet with the rest of us.  FFS!?

I bet this doesn't happen to Octomom.


  1. ROFLMAO - Oh, I don't envy you one little bit !!! The worst I get is when I am on the loo or cleaning my teeth/putting make up on - the two dogs sit there waiting for me to pat them and then push and shove to see who can get closest to me. All I have to do is point to the door and the two of them dash out and then see who can sit closest to the entrance to 'get' me when I walk out !
    Rosie has been known to 'push' in between Alfie sitting on my feet and my legs and nearly throw me off balance backwards - but she doesn't do it often as she is then banished from the bathroom and Alfie gets to stay sitting on my feet which does become a problem when I want to leave the bathroom !!!!
    Have the best day !
    PS - thank you AGAIN for making my day !!!

    1. So what you're saying is that I need to trade the kids in for dogs. I'm on it.

  2. Man I love your FFS Fridays - you crack me up. I try hide from mine, or tell them to go and annoy their dad. But then with 3 they seem to amuse each other and don't vie for my love as much - shame that :)
    Maybe as they get older they will want more of my attention - those Ecards are GOLD :)

    1. I think mine just enjoy annoying each other as much as annoying me. It's like a "two-fer" for them - they give me the shits by being all up in my business; and at the same time they give each other the shits vying for top position next to/on top of me.

  3. Ha ha ha. You make mothering sound so much fun. So glad my kids are grown up and my eggs are too old to grow into anything bigger than a mouse.

    1. It is fun. Sometimes. It's just more fun whining about it ;-)

  4. Hilarious! Although my kids are a bit older I remember those clingy days so well, I'd get to the point where I'd lock myself in the bathroom and scream through the door "GO AND TALK TO DADDY!", it's the only way I could get five mintues to myself.

    1. I have those moments. At least once a week. Okay a day, it's more like once a day. #1Hubby is blissfully unaware in his little man-haze of sports, only roused when I am screaming for the kids to find Daddy.

  5. Im so glad I will only have one child, at least for the next year or two before I have to deal with all the rivalry for my attention. I do however have 3 cats and they fight all the time about who gets to sit next to me. And since Ive been pregnant they fight over who gets to come to the toilet with me, sometimes I end up with all 3. One sits on top of the toilet behind me, one stands up and snuggles into my leg and the other usually sits in front of me looking at me with a confused facial expression. I swear they think the baby is going to fall out in the toilet. Sometimes they try to check the bowl after to make sure its not in there!

    1. Bahaha, at least they're preparing to be 'siblings'!

      Our cat never forgave us for having the first child. It was downright seething when we then added twins to the mix.

  6. Love your post. It's exactly the same here. The 3am wake up with my son screaming "MUMMY" which has a domino style effect which instantaneously wakes my daughter who soon follows with a louder "MUUUUUMY" is just not cricket!

  7. FFS Friday GOLD! You have just captured all of our lives, methinks, in humorous parody. Particular chuckles for the seating arrangement, and the licker. Mine licks the salt. Of course, this prevents the rest of us from the delights of salty goodness. I think I'm going to set up a salt lick. It's good for cramps, yeah?

    1. Consider it like a beauty treatment of sorts. You could charge for it.

  8. For what it's worth, you just gave me my biggest laugh of the week. Thank you. x

  9. You are hilarious! I want a vlog of a special routine of those Olympic gymnastic right angle legs! LOL ;)


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