I couldn't choose between the two, so you get both.
On to today's FFS!? worthy whine.
I am at the top of the parenting totem pole in our family.
And that, my friends, is a massive FFS!?
Daily, I have to referee arguments over who sits next to me at dinner time. FFS!?
We had to set up a rotating roster, and it goes like this:
If Miss7 is sitting next to me, then Miss4 must be on the side, and Mstr4 must be opposite.
Miss4 is to be consoled over her inferior spot by using the coveted purple plastic spoon, which she will wave in her sister's direction by way of bragging - thus catching me in the 'cross fires' sitting between them, and spraying me with food debris. FFS!?
In addition to the special spoon, I must stretch out and hold her hand through at least half of the meal.
Which makes it almost impossible to eat anything that requires both hands. FFS!?
I have been known to wear more of my food than I have consumed, via face planting my plate as I reach across to hold her hand. FFS!?
In return for his own inferior seating placement, I must play footsies with Mstr4, seated opposite me, for the entire duration of the meal.
Holding your feet in the air for that long hurts like a bitch. FFS!?
Of course he is the slowest eater in the family. FFS!?
I swear to Vodka I can see my calf muscles getting bigger by the day, and fear it is just a matter of weeks until they overtake my generous thighs. My legs will resemble a set of linked frankfurts. FFS!?
Following dinner is shower time.
Again with the fighting over who gets to stand next to me.
Mstr4 will attempt to wee on my feet if he is not in his chosen position. FFS!?
Regardless of their location, I always end up just shy of the water, with my backside regularly making contact with the arctic cold tiles on the wall. FFS!?
Pre-bed time stories and cuddles take place in my bed, and are the source of some of the biggest fighting of all over who sits next to me and who sits on top of me. FFS!?
One poor, neglected child is left to fend for themselves on their father's side of the bed, shooting me the death stare while playing the guilt card by claiming I don't like them on account of the lack of skin to skin contact. FFS!?
Miss4 is a licker. She will inevitably be bored by the book or TV offerings and start licking whichever part of my person is closest to her. FFS!?
I will be sitting up in bed with my legs at right angles, as the 2 shunned children who didn't score the top spot next to me, fight to sit between my legs. FFS!?
My legs are virtually at right angles. Olympic gymnasts would be impressed. I, however, spend the rest of the night limping around in pain, legs askew, looking like I've just finished a very long horse ride. FFS!?
Don't even get me started on toilet time....
One must stand in my face and enquire what I'm doing. Another will stand at the ready with the toilet paper. The third is banging on the door, whining about why they weren't allowed in to the already cramped toilet with the rest of us. FFS!?
I bet this doesn't happen to Octomom.