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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Detox desperation

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I reasoned that it was all about my liver - but let's be real, anyone who knows me knows that I'm far more in love with my wine than my liver.

It was more about image insecurities.

But if anyone asks, it was totally about my liver and my health.

Yes, in a lame attempt to get dead set gorgeous before leaving for BlogHer this Friday, I did a sadistic detox that meant I had no sugar, no coffee, NO BOOZE, no food, no anything except the detox formula.

But I was all like I can totally do this.  It's 2 days!  What kind of wimp can't do a 2 day detox?

It was 2 days of hell.

At one point I went all primal and considered eating my young.

The detox formula tasted so much like a virgin Pina Colada, that I'm convinced its creator intended it to be like a big fat bitch slap when you're at your lowest and craving something sweet and alcoholic.

It was the longest 2 days of my life.

I had some serious inner debates over whether or not I could sneak some baby spinach.  I reasoned that it was healthy, and virtually calorie free.  Except the dressing and avocado acompaniments not so much.

This was mid-morning on day 1....

I convinced myself that it was only 2 days, and if it didn't work I would empty that bloody plastic bottle of its fake pina colada crap and fill it with red wine instead.

Eyes on the prize - a less bloated, possibly slightly slimmer, far more radiant and glowing self for my big trip to the US.

And a liver all renewed and ready for 10 days of carnage, heh.

Of course I did this in the middle of the winter school holidays - the ones where you generally hibernate in your house instead of going out.

For 2 whole weeks.

With all of your children.

I was positively glowing alright - from anger and frustration and hunger.

And withdrawals from my 3 major food groups - booze, sugar and coffee.

For 2 days I chanted my mantra in my head, over and over :

Think like a supermodel, think like a supermodel, think like a supermodel.

And suddenly I was wondering if taking up smoking was the answer to stuffing my face with something other than booze and food.

I already have a killer witheringly bored / self loathing / holier than though pout ready to go - it's practically meant to be!

And before any of you health and fitness freaks start....I do exercise.  I was running over 6km 4 days a week...and I developed a fetching set of thighs for my efforts.  What a giant slap in the face that was.  Or would be if I was co-ordinated enough to make it happen.

Just when I thought I could not go on.  Just when I was readying myself to ditch the detox and splurge on a cup of tea (no sugar, of course) was done.

I ran to #1Brother's place next door and jumped on his new scales.  Ready to swear like a trooper if I'd suffered for 2 whole, long, miserable days for nothing.


It worked!

If you're heading to BlogHer, be sure to check me out in the first day before I put the weight back on, such is the nature of quickie detox diets.

And again fitness freaks - I'm not endorsing rapid detox weight loss plans, as my bitching and moaning and loathing of this one should show.  It was just something I thought I'd try for the first time.  I am in no way delusional and thinking the weight will stay off for more than a couple of days.  Unless I stick to water and cigarettes and the occasional puff of fresh air, like all good supermodels do.


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  1. I've tried detoxing once or twice - in the form of a full-blown gastro infection. It's great! You lose weight and you don't want to eat. NOT ONE TINY LITTLE SKERRICK. Then you look and feel like a limp dish rag for the next couple of days, in which time you've put on every single ounce that you lost.

    1. Three days and I put all but 500g back on. I'm furious I suffered for 2 days for 500g that I could've lost with careful but normal eating over the entire 5 day period.

      I did not consider gastro. I should've gone for the "natural" alternative!

  2. This post cracked me right up, Did you celebrate with a real pina-colada? that would be finishing up in style!

    1. Wine, lots of wine. And a Bailey's before bed. It was the best party for one ever!

  3. Yes but if you call it a 40 Hour Famine you will have the kudos of being socially aware too! So much to learn, padawan! Have a blast xxx

  4. God, that sounds horrible. I wouldn't last the morning, let alone two days. Well done!

    1. It was torture. Preparing meals for the rest of the family while living on the whiff of pineapple and coconut myself. I'd rather be somewhat rounded and happy than un-bloated and miserable!

  5. I tried some kind of soup diet once when I was at uni. I was SO mad and headachy, but I persisted with gritted teeth until I fainted. Kinda defeated the purpose of being thin, if I couldn't be thin UPRIGHT. The end. No more diets. Go you, cranky hotness! ;)

    1. Tell me it wasn't the cabbage soup diet? I did that one. Pity the poor people who lived with me then, on account of the excessive farting! I'm certain that soup diet rids all the rank gases from your body, not just excess fluid.

  6. Don't you love those ridiculous diets. I am doing myself a favour apparently right now by attempting to go no-sugar. It's not as miserable as it sounds, I have discovered so many blogs of recipes with chocolate and icecream etc, all with no sugar - it's a bit odd really. Still, it's only been a few days, let's see what I"m like in a week... or tomorrow...

    1. Ooh, I have friends who've done that and swear by it. Have you checked out - she's a master on the cutting out sugar and finding delicious cake/biscuit/dessert alternatives!

      I'm seriously considering doing the same when I get back. Especially if I can find an affordable alternative for my sweet cravings.

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