I've been playing a game of cat and mouse with my postman for the past couple of weeks.
Thanks to some lousy weather, I have done what every good parent does and buried myself in online shopping while directing the whiney and bored kids to the
electronic babysitter TV since they can't go outside.
As a result, I've had a delightfully consistent stream of parcel notification emails. No FFS!?
I monitor them with much enthusiasm, from the second they leave the delivery depot a few suburbs away.
And that's when it all turns to shit.
The bastard delivery driver manages to show up while I'm doing the school drop off every single time. Without fail. FFS!?
Almost daily I have returned home to spot that bloody white missed delivery card wedged in my front door, flapping in the wind. FFS!?
This means that I have to wait until the afternoon when it hits my local post office, and drag the whiney, tired kids with me to collect it. FFS!?
Everyone else is doing the same thing, often resulting in a 15 minute wait and a queue outside the door of the post office. FFS!?
I have spent a small fortune - far beyond the sum saved by my savvy online shopping - in impulse buys to get The Feral Threesome to STFU while waiting in the queue. FFS!?
This week, I was determined to catch the postman out.
Monday I raced to school and pulled up outside, lovingly shoving Miss7 out the door and hissing at her to RUN! FAST! HURRY! and I would watch her as she crossed the grassed area to her classroom, before burning rubber to get home again.
The Twin Tornado were still in their PJ's in the car, as they don't have school on Monday's.
It was a flawless plan, except I still had a missed delivery card waiting for me at home, despite shaving a good 5 minutes off my usual school run time. FFS!?
Tuesday I took the kids to school earlier than usual...but there was no delivery that day. FFS!?
Wednesday Miss7 was home sick thanks to food poisoning (not my own cooking, before you ask), so it allowed me to stay home and stake out the front door.
No delivery. FFS!?
Then I took the Twin Tornado to a Doctor's appointment at midday, and of course when I got home there was a bastard missed delivery card. FFS!?
The one single time he's ever delivered after 8:45am. FFS!?
Yesterday I took the kids to school a little later than usual, hoping to catch him before the school run. As a result of being late/later, I had to park a block away from the school and walk/run while carrying 3 full backpacks and dragging 3 whiney kids in the arctic early morning wind. FFS!?
Also, no delivery that day. FFS!?
I swear to Vodka he's hiding in someone's driveway down the road, just waiting for me to leave so that he can fill out the bastard missed delivery card and piss me off. FFS!?
Today it is on like Donkey Kong.
Like Donkey Kong if he was a 34 year old stealth ninja mother.