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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Rules of Marital Engagement

Image Credit (and a fist bump)

There's probably already some sort of manifesto or list of rules far superior to my own slapped together effort.

But, whatever.  I'm sharing my infinite and completely unfounded/untested wisdom on all things marital.

Rules of Marital Engagement

To be enacted whenever disputes escalate to:
  1. Name calling
  2. Tossing, throwing or heavy handling of objects for effect
  3. Silent treatment
  4. Secret thoughts of inflicting pain on your otherwise beloved partner

When a husband is a douche / idiot / ass [circle as appropriate, or go nuts and highlight all 3 and add your own names in the margins], the wife reserves the right to:

  1. Commence silent treatment for an unspecified period
  2. Strike / cease usual agreed services that impact the husband (cooking, laundry, bedroom duties, conversation etc.)
  3. Seek retribution via:
  • Removal of privileges (sex, TV, contact with mates)
  • Addition of taxing duties / physical punishment (home DIY projects, solo parenting while the wife seeks respite at the day spa where she may seethe in peace)
  • Financial repatriation (unquestioned and unlimited shopping sprees - as in plural - as in multiple)
  • Amplification / publicising (telling her friends, her mother, his mother, anyone she chooses.  Also known as 'dobbing').
    4.  Go away (on holiday.  Somewhere exotic and tropical with a swim up pool bar)

The duration of punishment is to be determined by the wife, and measured by:
  1. Level of husband's repentance
  2. Husband's commitment to repentance (it needs to be a 100% efforts, none of this only at night while hoping for make up sex)
  3. Nature of the heinous crime in ratio to how clueless he was at the time of the offence
  4. An average of what her friends agree would be suitable punishment for his outrageous sins
  5. When the wife's sufficiently forgotten what it was he did to piss her off in the first place

NOTE:  Extenuating circumstances may call for a temporary cease fire / truce that does not signal the end of the argument:
  1. Family coming to visit (always requires a united front)
  2. School events (nobody wants to be that couple that everyone's talking about)
  3. Date night (because it takes a lot of time and effort to co-ordinate a date night, not to mention pouring oneself into the requires Spanx)

In the event of a temporary cease fire / truce, hostility will resume on completion of the specified event or occasion.  Unless the wife is too tired to put the energy into maintaining the rage, at which point she may declare the dispute resolved.

But without actually declaring it.  Because she shouldn't have to.  And he should just be grateful she's speaking to him again.

Obviously this is the idiot guide abridged version.

Naturally every husband on the planet is expected to automatically know these rules and the full version that has not been published.

1 comment:

  1. I've tried quite a few of those techniques with a lot of success. You failed to mention one of the techniques that brings me the most satisfaction - planning the demise of my dearly beloved with the checkout chick at my local supermarket.


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